Getting back up again- could use a few kind words

[LittleCloud]

The last year has been terrible. I have clawed my way out of an eating disorder... for the first time I saw my doctor write Anorexia on the doctor's certificate he gave me. I don't know why that means a thing, especially now my weight is restored- and my relationship with my partner of 8 years broke down. Things were finally mending for us when he got a job 8hrs away. He says we need to work on ourselves by ourselves. These past weeks have been a huge struggle- but my anxiety/depression meds increase is finally working and I got through the exams I never stood a chance with first time around last year. Unfortunately I've been overstretched for so long and working long hours and last week I had a bit of a meltdown. I am trying so hard to focus on me; to rest; to be ok with myself. In so many ways I am better but sometimes this journey is so isolating. I have the support of friends and my best friend (and ex- I suppose he is) but am finding it hard to put things into words for them. I hope it's ok if I practice here. I just need somewhere to get things out, but am feeling much better than I was

[Uglyducklin]

I'm so sorry you are hurting . I hope you can practice here because finding and using your words is so important xx

[LittleCloud]

Thanks. It frightens me when I am so up and down. I am exhausted- physically and mentally. I need to take time with less work but have to fight social services to get support so that I have money to keep myself. I am totally alone in that. So alone. It scares me- the other day when I just cried and cried. I still knew there was noone but me to pick me up

[Unbreakable.]

From personal experience I find that when you first embrace recovery things get really tough.
Sounds like you're in a place where being more well than usually puts a lot of pressure on you and makes things really intense.

Is there any type of place that can advise you on benefits etc so you can sort out any financial worries?

[LittleCloud]

Thank you for your words. I am confused- eating has become easy very quickly with all these things happening. Not overeating- just normal eating, but much more than was possible before. I don't know why, but I do feel wary of this swift change. I have had a medication change and it's not really an appetite change- just easier. I don't know with welfare- I will try and work it out this week. I have to.... I am working less and the break feels better. I am also dealing with some bullying that happened with a colleague last week- I have spoken to my manager and feel more confident. Just still so tired, and tired makes it hard to do things

[LittleCloud]

So much exhaustion- been through so many emotions; doing so much I don't have the energy for more. I've sold his car and packed his things; paid for the rent of the whole house- he left me behind with that; cared for the animals. He was awful last time we spoke- told me I should already know he was not ready to try again with the relationship when I asked- I didn't even mean that. I just need to know- a timeframe- how long I have to do these things and look after his dog too. It is not really fair, but I know also that I need to do what is right by my morals- I can't just be a bitch. I'' regret that a long time. Whether things work out for us, or long after he is gone.
I'm so tired. I have to keep going. I think about hurting myself; sleeping and never waking up, but it is not in me to give in. I eat so differently now. I can still barely stand the sight of myself- I avoid mirrors. I have been for an interview; entered my application for the course I hope to get into at uni but every day I am mostly so tired. I don't know how I can keep going like this. I have to see Centrelink- I have to beg for welfare. I think I can still keep working. I'd prefer to.

[Uglyducklin]

I am so incredibly proud of you too. I'm low on words but you are in my thoughts x

[LittleCloud]

Thank you everyone. Animistical. I feel so lost and my head is still saying definitively that I deserve some, if not all of this. I am very nervous about my eating but I think my body has r a he'd a stage where I need what I eat to have energy for all this.
So much is changing around me and I have new housemates moving in and vet and doctor visits I covered today and work. I still have to think about calling him and make sure the stuff with the car gets done. I am still trying to look after everything. It's what I do. But I'm also. Ploy ring in and going out for lunch and doing things for me. I. an read again and concentrate!! I just have to survive this sea of feelings and exhaustion

[LittleCloud]

I'm trying. I'm just so exhausted. Physically I need more sleep but mentally more and more just keeps coming and it's all pretty uncertain right now. I'm struggling with that uncertainty though where I am now is miles from where I'd ever expected to be. I saw my dietitian today. There is no reason for this sudden ease in eating. I'm frightened like so many other things it will be so easy to go wrong again

[LittleCloud]

Not much of a routine at all due to shift work and night duties on and off for weeks. I try to sleep as much as I can. I just feel so confused about everything at the moment. I'm just so confused at the moment with everything. I don't know how or what my relationship to my long term pArtner is anymore and I know that he has treated me badly recently. I am just trying to do what my morals say are right with things but I won't forget. I don't know. So much is happening and I'm scared I won't get into my study course. I'm scared I'll always be this mess

[MissAnonymous]

Things wont always be this difficult. Lack of routine is hard to work with, but can you think about ways to manage your time within the confines of what you have got (make some easy to heat up meals) and shower at certain times so you can just rush out of the door and sleep that extra half hour to help keep your sleep routine as little disrupted as possible. Going with gut feelings sounds like the right thing for you so far, I know its hard to do, but in some ways all you can do is take each day as it comes, and its important to remember this. You can only do so much per day, we have limitations, purely by energy capacity and you are working shifts.

The sudden ease in eating I had when I was recovering and part of me thought it was great and part of me was unnerved by it, but I think physiologically and mentally its a big relief to be able to eat when you need to. Don't think on it, sudden changes don't mean that things will go wrong.

xxx

[Uglyducklin]

I'm lowon words but leaving hugs xx

[LittleCloud]

Thanks so much ladies. I think I manage ok without the routine normally- this has been my life for more than the past 3 years now. It does get hard at times like this when things get so hard. I try to remember all that I've struggled through these past years- the assault, anxiety and eating next to nothing, my partner and how horrible things were last year when we were trying to sort things out. I got through all those things. It just feels so much like I've just been fighting and fighting and just want a chance to rest.
I am trying to be kind to myself so far as going with my feelings. Even if things don't go right that way I always feel ok and like I can try again. I just hope something works soon. Thank you everyone for the support. I feel so bad- like I am leaning so much on others and just dropping in to see friends who don't need me there

[LittleCloud]

Feel exhausted. So many changes. Got chemicals in my eye (I was adjusting my contact lense and didn't know I still had residue on my hands) and ended up being pulled off shift by the ambulance I called at 1am. Walked home from the hospital at 3:30am to find I'd left my keys at work- thankful I left the back door open by accident but so at risk. I keep forgetting things and there seem so much. Feeling exhausted, sore and a bit fragile. I have a housemate moving in tomorrow. So many changes. I feel like I'm only just standing... signed off work the next few days. Scared of what's to come. I feel so alone

[LittleCloud]

Thanks for replying Carmen. I know now is struggle for you too.
I am kind of getting things done. Traditionally I'm not good at lists- but I really should try as they get me to stay on tasks. Today I went for a walk which felt amazing after not being able to do much yesterday. I also picked myself out some new glasses frames so that I have an option I like (other than my contacts). New housemate 1 has moved in. I feel nervous about sharing my space and all the little faults that happen in my day to day living but she seems lovely- I think it will be ok. I hope so

[LittleCloud]

Two new housemates in a week and all the stuff with work. Anxiety has been up again. I'm doing well but there is just so much happening. I'm exhausted and it feels like I'll never catch up