I have 6 weeks left of term one, ive hardly done any coursework, i dont even have all of it out, im worried that i wont be able to do it in time, or that i will fail a module and be kicked off, since you cant resit in 4th year.
And im just feeling more depressed over it
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I want to stop being alone, I want to have a prober relationship with someone who I can communicate with, someone to cling to that is not a medical or psychiatric professional. I want to be cared for and not let go when they have had enough, a soulmate, a lover, a friend, a vital key.
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
I have a question...Sorry for getting into this thread so late, and I haven't had time to read the whole thing, but here goes.
My therapist is throwing around a lot of terms and pointing out characteristics in me that makes me wonder if they're trying to Dx me with BPD. She also mentioned today that we should discuss my past more...I want to just ask her if that's what they're leaning towards, but it feels inappropriate or something. Should I just muster up the courage and ask?
Also, as far as my knowledge goes, Splitting is mainly only associated with BPD, correct? She told me I do it a lot, but I'm also wondering if it's just due to my perfectionism...Do they normally disclose to patients if they have a personality disorder? I know not always, because they consider how the person would react, but...
*shrug*
Sorry for butting in, and if I repeated questions.
Yesterday I was so low I was thinking of building up a stash of tablets again, I know I must not as this time I'm thinking of tablets which will cause maximum damage so I cannot chicken out at the last minute and be treated for my OD
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
It's kind of strange living in a family of six, one I created myself to combat feelings of lonliness, and yet to be miserable with it. The trouble is I also want to be alone so I can collapse fully and not have the responsability of family. I cannot stand the life I've created and the meds are not enough. I don't belong in my family as much as I don't belong in the world.
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
just feeling so angry and paranoid. don't usually feel that much of either. but "everyone hates me and i hate everyone". i'm scared i should lock myself away for a few days. then i can't hurt anyone with my venom-spitting.
I have BPD. I hate it. I have had more than 20 admissions in the last year. I think, the worst bit about it though is its name. Being diagnosed with a "personality disorder" makes me feel as though there is something wrong with who I am. It is like someone saying that I have a bad personality, but what they dont realise is that my personality is what makes me me. No wonder ppl have trouble with dissosiative symptoms. If there is something wrong with who a person is, they are going to try and change this, making them feel not real. It is a strange feeling, but my advice to you is
Carry a mirror. When you think of your diagnosis, pull it out and look into your eyes. That is you. No one can change who you are. You are special.
I think BPD should get a new name. Any suggestions?
I don't like the borderline bit of the discription as when I have said what I have they think borderline means I almost have a disorder and I feel that I am not taken seriously, so I'd drop that. I like BPD because, once I had a kidney infection and as I was shaking and sweating with fever my husband was unsympathetic and took the mickey when I was told I had a kidney infection he stopped taking the mickey. I feel that having been diagnosed he does take me more seriously. I hate BPD as it is the halfway house of mental illness so I don't get the instant support I need and whatever I do no mental health worker feels they can not offer me any help. My therapist is off sick again and all I'll have is my GP, wonderful as she is she is not trained in mental health. I neeed support, sorry off topic a bit. as to a name how about Middle Of The Road Unsupported Disorder
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
I'm sorry it is hell for you at the moment, I hope it improves.
I am scared of not having my therapist and I hate not knowing where I am. I shall on monday get an emergency appointment with my GP. I am unsafe and have started to stock up on tablets. I'm scared of going through with another OD but excited too.
I'm sorry to be unsympathetic to others problems, as a mild Aspergers "sufferer" I'm never sure what to say
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
I don't want to feel like this anymore! I don't know what to do, I have tablets. Not sure if it's enough tho, and i dont wanna go through the whole being treated for an OD in a+e again... i can't call the crisis team, they're crap, they just tell me to get on with it. I just can't stay like this.
~~I'm FINE...on the outside~~
~~Beneath the surface lies a shattered heart and an exhausted soul, simply longing... just longing to be whole~~
I don't want to feel like this anymore! I don't know what to do, I have tablets. Not sure if it's enough tho, and i dont wanna go through the whole being treated for an OD in a+e again... i can't call the crisis team, they're crap, they just tell me to get on with it. I just can't stay like this.
Iknow where you are coming from, I don't know when I'll see my therapist again, I know my GP will cover but I feel lost.
It just feels like no one cares enough to offer continued support or I'm just not making myself clear enough.
I hope you get some more support soon
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
Sorry to post here as haven't been diagnosed - or rather, haven't been told that diagnosed. I'm being referred to a specialist psychotherapy place for people with personality disorders and those with long term sh problems. I currently am on Quetiapine to help with the impulsiveness etc. When I told my psych re the voices and seeing myself hanging etc she said it was quite common for people with my issues (yeah, she really did say "issues"!) and they are pseudo-hallucinations. Basically, I looked up the pseudo-hallucinations thing, combined with the fact she has put me on Quetiapine and awaiting referral to the pd place - it's as if they have decided I am borderline but won't actually tell me, my old gp also said that I had a personality disorder. Is there any reason why she won't tell me for definite or is it because she is still not sure or waiting for me to ask her? I am seeing my psych again on Tuesday and wonder whether I should ask. The problem is I know really that she has me down as borderline (hence the keep me out of hospital at all costs bar a couple of sections, even when actively suicidal) and am not sure I want to know because it is in effect, telling me that I am inherently defective.
Sorry, didn't mean for this to be so long but with the cold weather, my peaceful suicide option is coming back into play. I'm not anymore down than usual but can't get it out of my head - as if the traffic and trains and taking ODs, etc weren't enough of a temptation.
Finally, re the pseudo-hallucinations, does anyone else experience them and have you found a way to try and quieten things as my ways are all highly destructive.
Thanks! Especially if you actually managed to read all this drivel.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I am on some weird anti psychotic, but they havent decided yet whether they're the pseudo thingies or just plain hallucinations. Either way i scares the hell outta me! They also bar me from hospital when actively suicidal Except when i got 136'd, they had me in for a week.I have been diagnosed with borderline by the inpatient doc, henced barred from all help, except for a therapist once a week who i cant talk to, they didnt want me on any meds but as i now have to sleep on my mums floor cos of the faces staring in my windows they decided theyll chuck something at me. Sorry if im bitter. I'm not in a good mood, and really need some help but i don't know what can help me, and neither does anyone else.
~~I'm FINE...on the outside~~
~~Beneath the surface lies a shattered heart and an exhausted soul, simply longing... just longing to be whole~~
hi, no_reason, sorry i don't know your name. but of course it's okay to post here without the diagnosis. the diagnosis of a PD can either be very easy to get and hard to get rid of, or plain hard to get. doesn't mean you don't have it. it might be that she's waiting for you to ask her, or it might be that she doesn't like the whole labelling thing (some docs don't). but yeah, don't be afraid to ask because it's nothing to be ashamed of. it might be that you've been referred to specialist psychotherapy because of "complex needs" rather than a specific PD, because the two are quite similar. a lot of people think being told they have a PD means they're fundamentally defective, but it's not true. they should change the name. the personality is the essence of who we are, and we shouldn't be told it's disordered. what it really means, is that part of us is disordered (just in the same way as someone with a mood disorder or a psychotic disorder - part of you is ill, other parts are well). i think it's better described as having a lot of inner instability, emotionally, with behaviours that are destructive, and with relationships. a lot of people, even those with no formal diagnosis of PD, have these sorts of traits. in fact, all of us do to a greater or lesser extent. it's no wonder that they say something like 15% of the population could be diagnosed with an actual PD! so don't take it personally.
i know what you mean about the colder weather, longer nights. my suicidal thoughts are doing much the same.
i have "psychotic experiences" as part of my BPD. i just tell my voices that i refuse to talk or respond to Them. if i am not ready to talk to Them, i'll tell Them simply that i can't be bothered, or i don't have the time. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. i am surprised that it works at all, but it does. other times, i try to listen to music or stay distracted. ultimately the best thing to do is tell a professional about it. it's also something that the therapist can help with once you get one. i've known a few people with BPD who have pseudohallucinations - and for all of them, they've gone with time and therapy.
ems, what do you feel would help you right now? clearly hospital hasn't worked in the past so they must be reluctant to admit you. i hope the antipsychotics help you, they tend to help me for those sorts of experiences. quiet things down a bit. are you still maybe being referred into a therapeutic community? i can't remember if you said. was it the CRU you might have been going to? i think that would be way more helpful for you than a hospital ward.
