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10 steps back
Hey everyone. I haven't been here in a couple of years. I was not "allowed" by my fiance at the time to come to any of my typical self injury sites whether they were helpful or not. I'm here now because we broke up. I think it was mutual? But I seem to be having a much harder time with it. She is out at all hours and is generally acting like she is finally free and like she never loved me this entire 4 years.
I have anger issues. I yell, I swear, I say things I don't mean. I believe this is ultimately why we split. I am carrying so much guilt. A couple of nights ago, before she went out to do what I don't know, she called me abusive. This sent me in a complete downward spiral. I knew I was mean but never imagined how emotionally abusive I'd been. I went to a completely dark place again and gave myself one pretty deep leg cut which is making walking quite painful. Since I started up again, I figured this was the place to be. I feel miserable and even more guilty. Though I am not now, I was pretty suicidal. I haven't been in that space in a really long time. It's both terrifying and comforting...as I feel I ultimately deserve the worst possible treatment for treating her so awfully. I'm trying to pick myself up. Redirect my guilt and pain, but it's been so hard. I am living in our home until I can find an apartment, and being here is almost unbearable. Not knowing where she is when she is out late at night, seeing her so completely unaffected by the breakup, tears me apart. I need out, but I'm stuck until I have enough money to move.
Basically I'm here to say I'm going out of my mind, which is why I am back here. RYL has always given me a sense of belonging no matter what. That's kind of what I need at the moment. Thanks for reading this long and pointless post. Sometimes I just need to write things out. I'm lacking on a support system here since I'm having a hard time seeing my therapist due to money. Any hugs, words of advice, or whatever are greatly appreciated.
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