I...I'm just...sorry

[Patent Pending]

FloatingClouds; Thank you. I really appreciate your support.

Jinxie; Thank you. I've never thought about it like that but how you describe the nest is exactly how it feels. It means a lot that I'm not the only one who feels like that but knowing how sh*t it feels I'm sorry you get that way too.

Beckie; Thank you...I just always feel like just my existance annoys people let alone my no being able to man up and stop moaning about trivial sh*t.

Nisha; Thank you for those links, I shall look at them tomorrow when I am not feeling so mixed up and I can take them in. I am starting to believe this is safe here to ask for support. I am going to call my GP's tomorrow for an appointment or phone consultation and if I get an appointment I'll give the medication to him...I feel safer doing that than the pharmacy. I dunno why. I don't want an OD to be a safety net...I want healthy safety nets so I know I need to get rid of them safely. Luckily with my GP because I've seen him for MH stuff for over two years I feel like I can talk to him. I may make a list of stuff though to take because my memory is shot to hell at the moment. My mum is worried about me and she's glad I've quit. It doesn't help that she's living so far away which is one reason I don't talk to her sometimes because it's extra worry. We've started to be more open about my brother...it happened when I was 6 but still massively affects how much I let my family in. I am looking into counselling in the new year for everything because I think I'm ready. I amcalmer today. Still racked with guilt over the job and worry about money but only a couple of small panic attacks today.

It REALLY REALLY helps to havd you guys support and to be gettinv replies and feel connected to people. I can't describe how much it means, so thank you all.

x x x

[Cacoethes]

I'm glad you're going to call the GP surgery tomorrow, it's really good that you have a GP that you can talk to.
I think a lot of us here can relate to having pills or similar as a safety net and it's so positive that you feel you can give the medication to your GP if you see him, that takes so much strength and I'm proud of you :)

xxx

[Patent Pending]

Thank you both ♥

Bad day again. Haven't been able to call doctors...tried about five times and just hung up every time. Panic attacks again. Part of it is talking on the phone and the idea of getting rid of the medication.

Bad thoughts of SH and ODing are taking over.

Have stayed in bed so far because I feel safer in bed than anywhere else in my bed. Darkness is closing in again.

I want to be back in the times last year where I was impulsive and I didn't care. Cutting and making suicide attempts every coulle of weeks...at least I was trying and at some point I'd have succeeded.

The thoughts of purging all I eat are strong.

It feels like Wednesday night lit a fuse and everything's going off at once now. Relationship worries. Money worries. Memories. Guilt. BPD thoughts. ED thoughts. OCD compulsions. Past ruminations. Thinking of still birth. Broodiness. Suicide urges. SH urges. Struggling to sleep. Isolating myself. Pushing people away.

Rambling. I don't even have real issues compared to most on here. Sorry.

[Cacoethes]

I'm sorry you've had such an awful day Katie <3

Do you have anyone that could call the doctors for you if you don't feel able to do it?

Have you got any plans for the weekend at all? Could you do something nice for yourself, you've had a stressful week and you deserve to give yourself a break.

You don't need to apologise lovely, don't worry about anyone else's issues, you're struggling and deserve support, that's all you need to worry about
xx

[Jinxie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cacoethes

You don't need to apologise lovely, don't worry about anyone else's issues, you're struggling and deserve support, that's all you need to worry about
xx

This. Absolutely, hugely this.
You never need to apologize for reaching out to us here, it's what we're here for.

I wonder if your doctors would allow someone to call them on your behalf maybe?
So if you wrote down everything you need to tell them somebody you trust could call them for you - that way you've spoken to them but without the stress and anxiety of actually speaking to them.
I've done it before when I know I've needed to talk but couldn't get the words out.

I agree with Beckie - try and do something nice for yourself this weekend.
Watch a movie that makes you laugh or treat yourself to something, it's what I do when I'm feeling like utter crap: paint my nails or go through my memory box.

Stay safe, sweetie xxx

[Patent Pending]

Thanks Beckie and Jinxie <3

I don't really have anyone who can call for me..I'll try to tomorrow morning and if not I'll have to force myself to on Monday. I need to get things sorted. I've written a bullet point list of things I need to talk to my GP about so I hope that makes it easier when I do see/speak to him.

I've got to work at the pub tomorrow from 2.30 to 7.30...I am hoping I can do it. Usually I'm okay with the one shift there but at the moment living just seems too much for me. The couple who own the pub have said that if I can't do it then just call/text them which is nice and they are basically mates but that kinda makes it harder to let them down. I'm gonna see how tomorrow goes and then I think I'm gonna have to say I can't do it.

I don't really do anything nice for myself to be honest. I think I might have a DVD marathon on Sunday (something like Harry Potter or whatever) because that usually takes my mind off things.

Today I seem to just be isolating myself...I'm getting such bitter and horrible thoughts and feelings about people I'm supposed to love...I hate that I think these things =/

My boyfriend is meant to be coming over tonight and I'm trying to get myself into a mind set where I can be around people.

x x x

[LizzieRose]

I just wanted to let you know that I care. You can always PM me if you need to talk and I'll try to reply. x

[Patent Pending]

Thank you Alexia.

Thing's have gotten really bad again. Really bad. Head is mashed. Boyfriend is laid asleep next to me...all I wanna do is disappear into the bathroom and OD. I shouldn't. I am weak.

I was trying to fill in the form for ESA...and all I could think was I don't deserve to be on it...I just need to man up and grow a pair and stop being so pathetic. ESA is for people with actual problems. I'm just pathetic.

I can't even man up and call my doctor. I have to do this shift tomorrow but I dunno if I can...it's only me and my boyfriend working and he's really ill so I can't be too...he is legit ill; virus or something...I'm just weak.

Gah. ODing is so fucking tempting right now.

x x x

[Patent Pending]

I should be dead.

[Cacoethes]

*hugs*

what's going on Katie? xx

[x-Silvermist-x]

Katie, are you okay? x

[Jinxie]

We're here for you, honey x

[Patent Pending]

Urges...massive wall of water. Taken over. Current sucking under.

Why aren't I dead yet?

Head full. So full. Wanna die. No good.

Sorry. No sense.

[Cacoethes]

Do you think you could try and get some rest Katie?
I know that I find urges harder to fight off when it's late and I'm tired, so maybe it would be worth trying to get some sleep?

xx

[Patent Pending]

Trying. Taken sleep meds.

Head going round and round round round round round.

Blur of memories...flashbacks...guilt...worry...fear...pan ic...anger...urges...everything.

[Cacoethes]

Do you have anything calming you can do until you fall asleep?
Listen to some nice music or read a few pages of a book or something like that?

xxx

[LittleCloud]

((((Katie)))) hearing how hard it is to make it all stop. Sorry I missed your thread until now. Can you put into words or make it all come out somehow so that you can get some peace?

[Esmay]

Hi mix tape I don't know you but you seem like a really nice person and you shouldn't be dead *hugs* I am here if you need to talk anytime x

[Patent Pending]

Something bad is gonna happen. A crash or fire or bomb or...I don't know. Something really bad. I dunno how to stop it. I've cleaned and they're all in order. I can stop it...I know I can...I just don't know how.

It's all gonna be my fault because I'm not clever enough to know what will stop it.

How do I?

[Cacoethes]

How do you know something bad is going to happen lovely?
xx