I'v failed again

Essy · 28-07-2015, 01:21 PM

That's me, a failure. When people show me they care I want so badly to make them proud, but I always fail.

I have cut again and found a new favorite place to cut. I am glad to get away from my arm and it is easier.

I really wish I could just stop, stop cutting myself, stop f__king everything up, stop hurting people and stop failing at everything. I'm tired of my life, tired of fighting for sanity and tired of pretending, acting.

chinahorse · 28-07-2015, 08:16 PM

Sometime we slip up. Failure it is not. Failure would be to stop trying.

Do you have any profesional support? Do you utilise things like helplines in times of need?

Sadly its nealry never as easy as just stop. What techniques do you try when you get urges? There are lots of things like distraction and techniques to deal with underlying emotions. You might some of this information particularly ditsraction useful http://www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=46

Take care

Essy · 29-07-2015, 12:31 PM

To me giving in feels like failing in that i failed to stop myself. I have been so stressed lately, feels like everything is too overwhelming and cutting is the only out let i have. I am a smoker but for the last two weeks iv had no money for smokes and that is just adding to the stress so cutting is my only outlet for my frustration. I am doing it more frequently now than i ever have.

Also the docs have just put my quitiapene down from 100mg to 75mg and tomorrow i am supposed to drop it to 50mg. that is another stresser and i haven't been sleeping well.

I do see a counsellor and we do talk about it. I also have a good friend who i can talk to, they both said i can ring them any time if i need too but it feels like such an imposition because i normally feel like talking between 12am and 2.

Ishouldbehappy · 30-07-2015, 12:20 AM

You shouldn't cut down if you find you are struggling babe. Tell your doctor what is happening. Tell them about your new favourite place. I know how you feel. I slipped up last week and I am still struggling. But I know there are people here to listen to you. But definitely don't cut down on medication if you are struggling.

Please be strong x

Essy · 30-07-2015, 07:12 AM

Yea I have rung up and have an appointment tomorrow. Everything has gone to hell since then, I had two really good weeks then boom, straight back to hell.
I have cut every night since friday and im getting really sore.
I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore and it feels like the world is closing in on me.
I want to cry all the time, but I can't. I feel like cutting is the only release left for me and I hate it.

Adr1an · 10-08-2015, 11:52 AM

So relatable.
I hope you can find some light soon.

whoknows · 14-08-2015, 02:55 AM

You're not a failure. None of us are. We are all fighting demons in our head and that is not an easy thing to do. You may fall over once, twice, a hundred times, but it's not the falling that counts, it's the getting up. Each time you pick yourself up, you make yourself a little stronger than before. So keep picking yourself up because that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow DOES exist!!

Isoverity · 15-08-2015, 12:17 AM

Not WANTING to stop is failure. Not being able to yet isn't.

Stoping to make people proud is also not the best reason. If making people proud makes you feel good then disappointing people can make you feel low. Letting people have a strong influence on how you feel is part of the problem. You want to find your center and skip the highs and lows. Finding the strength to quit is not a big emotional and dramatic thing. It comes quietly when your thoughts and emotions are still. You don't "decide" to quit - you just know you are quitting and thats that. It will come if your patient and don't try to goose yourself up