Were you able to get some sleep? How are you this morning?
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
I did get a bit of sleep. I feel like an idiot and I am just being selfish and moaning on and being a shitty friend to my roommates and not being supportive enough of everyone else on here. I'm sorry.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Carmen, you don't have to worry about helping other people. You are struggling so much, really, what we want and the most important thing for us is for you to look after yourself.
I agree with what Cersei said above. You def have been helping me out a lot in my thread. .. please look after yourself hun *hugs* feel free to PM me to if you need.
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
It just hurts and that on top of everything else is too much. In not going to the second meeting today for my research program. I'm too tired and can't face it. I can't get kicked out though because I quit my job for this and would have no way of explaining to people what is happening. I've only lied to the doctors but Justin doesn't believe me. He said some things yesterday that really hurt. I can't understand why I should be expected to trust him if he doesn't trust me. He said that he believes things are x because if they were y they would be far more scary and he couldn't deal with it. I couldn't tell him that things are much more like y than x. He clearly doesn't get it and doesn't want to and I've been such a burden on Tyler lately that I can't keep doing that. I'm so sorry for posting here and not in my rv but it hurts and I can't deal with this.
edit: I emailed my advisor and now she's called me and I haven't answered. She is worried and I don't know what to say because I can't deal with this. I went at looked at the apartments right next to us and they seem pretty nice actually. Just not sure about the price it is kind of expensive. But there is central air and nobody would live above me. It might be noisy though as there are a couple of schools and lots of kids living nearby. But no construction like there is with our place here. Think I am going to have my mother look at them and see what she says. They are both townhomes (second and third floors and the first floor is another apartment completely) which would be nice instead of just a one floor apartment.
Think I'm just going to leave and see if I can get a tattoo today. Fuck all. At least if I can get my tattoo that will be something nice and maybe that can count as self harm in my fucked up head.
Last edited by Auror. : 19-05-2014 at 08:46 PM.
Reason: added.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Well I forgot how booked my tattooist always is. His soonest appointment was 31st May so I have to wait. I told him what I want, and I trust him to come up with something good for me.
Just really needed something now. Maybe could go out and get a new piercing now that my ears are mostly healed.
edit: Can't deal with this. Can't deal with being here. Tyler did say he knows I didn't take any of his pills because he knew how many were there, and they were all there when he got rid of them. So I asked him to speak with Justin. I need to leave. I might explode.
Last edited by Auror. : 20-05-2014 at 01:01 AM.
Reason: added
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
hi lovely. i feel like i might explode and i'm just sick of this. even if i don't get clean blades tonight (only have 1 left) i may just not care. i don't want to do this anymore.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I don't think you're being dramatic I think you're in a lot of pain and I understand why you wouldn't want to live like this. But it hasn't always been this way and it doesn't have to be. I'm hoping with some support things can change but it would have to be support you feel ready for. Still please don't give up xx
i don't see how anything has changed. the same thing that will happen when i saw the doctor before will happen again. so there's no point. the only reason i am going is so justin doesn't cal the police and tell them i need to be readmitted.
i don't even care.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I don't think you're ungrateful so I'm not sure why you think that. I think it's good you're going to the doctor even if it's because of Justin. Is he going with you?
I don't know. He said he might. I don't understand the doctor so it helps to have him there to explain. Plus I want him there so he has proof I went since apparently he doesn't believe a word I say.
I don't want to face tomorrow. Or deal with it. I am debating as to which option is better because there are not new plans yet so it is all mixed up.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
You aren't ungrateful at all. Why dont you want to face tomorrow?
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Aside from trying to explain to my advisor why I did not come in yesterday after missing Friday as well, and seeing an apartment with my mother...
This just isn't. It's not fixable and it can't be stopped. Even without the plans I want to be dead. My parents have no idea and neither does the advisor and the truth is that I cans think the way I am meant to for this program. My brain doesn't work that way. But I quit my job for it so I'm screwed.
I just want to be dead because its all too much.
I think cutting is safer than oding and less likely to need medical attention but I am going to explode and my head is not there and I don't have words sorry.
Last edited by Auror. : 20-05-2014 at 03:28 PM.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
