I am all wrong. (Updated Post #142)

[Snow White.]

Thank you so much shenanigans for your well thought out reply and your encouragement. This is only a quick reply because I need to get to bed while I can still do so safely. Thoughts of taking more of the pills are coming back very very strong. I researched it a bit more. So I texted a friend to say I'm down and she needs to tell me to go to bed. So I'm going to do that.

Thank you xx I will reply to your post on more detail when I feel a bit better. It means a lot x

[Shenanigans]

I'm sorry you're having such strong negative thoughts. I'm very glad that you have text a friend and let them know how you're feeling. Going to bed sounds like a safe and good idea.

I hope you rest well. Stay safe

[Cacoethes]

I'm so glad you're reaching out for support, you're doing so, so well.
I hope you manage to get some sleep *hugs*
xx

[Snow White.]

Thank you got to bed safely last night which was good. Thanks for your replies :)

My dad is back and it's strange to have a short period of normality again. And my mum called. I don't want to speak to either of them because it's so fake.

I rescheduled what I was supposed to do this morning for my research. Which was wrong of me. I'll be doing it Friday instead so I hope I feel better then. I didn't sleep much last night due to crying and panicking I'd be kicked off the course.

I don't know if I should tell someone at uni I'm struggling. I don't think there's anything they can do. I'm starting to worry that I'm not cut out for this course.

[Snow White.]

My uni friend said to trek the coordinator as she was very good about it and very understanding. I still don't know what the purpose of it would be because they can't reduce my workload but maybe having her keep a gentle eye on my might help.

I think I'll email her for a meeting (cue anxiety).

[Serendipity.]

I do think talking to someone at uni would be a good idea. They may not be able to reduce your workload (though, would studying part time or deferring some aspects be an option?) but even so, it can be helpful simply to make them aware and they may be able to suggest options that you haven't though of.

Emailing to ask for a meeting sounds like a good plan :)

I'm sorry, I will come back to this later when I have more to say, but yes, sending love and hugs your way <3

[Snow White.]

Thank you. I emailed her.

Unfortunately I deferred something last year so I don't think it is an option. If anything I'd need to defer my research which is impossible. Maybe I can think on changing it somehow. I have a big review for that next week.

I'm so anxious having sent that email. I'm seeing her tomorrow for something else so it might happen then. I hope it does so this feeling of anxiety can reduce.

I'm about to go and see my doctor.

Thanks darling. You don't need to come back you've said enough! Xx

[Charmed]

Well done for emailing her, I know it was a bug step for you to take. I think it's important for her to know what is going on though so she understands and can give you some options. Would it help to talk through what you are anxious about? I hope seeing her tomorrow is helpful for you, she sounds quite understanding.

Good luck with seeing your doctor. I hope it goes well.

How are you feeling at the moment?

[Snow White.]

Thanks Hannah xx

I'm anxious they will think I am too unwell for the course. I'm going to try and not mention the overdose hopefully that will help. I think I'll focus on discussing the high levels of anxiety instead.

I'm not sure how I feel now. I saw my doctor which went fine. She's very lovely. She's going to fill the new doctor who is replacing her about me. I also got a flu shot which was good.

But now I've come to university to do my data entry and I can't even motivate myself out of my car but it isn't depression it's just laziness. I'm going to rest in the back of my car for a while listening to the rain and make sure I go in. I'm scared to face it all. Aside from my weight this research is the next big thing tipping me over.

Thanks for checking in

Edit: I just went home. I am tied and I'm at uni tomorrow so hopefully by being up and about tomorrow I'm more inclined to do it then. Sigh I fail. x

[lozza]

Thinking of you Aimee *cuddles*

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry to keep posting. I'm feeling very anxious. I know I should be used to it and I'm going to try and just tell myself that it will pass but it is draining my mood. My dog is sitting with me so I'm holding on to her tight. I was studying and it helped but I don't feel like I can get back into it.

I know there's nothing anyone can do. I'm just anxious and I'm stressed about my review and having to say I'm struggling.

Don't deal well with anxiety. Everything this week seems too much.

[Wonderland.]

Could you take your anxiety meds?

*gentle hugs*

[Snow White.]

That's a good idea I might have a valium and move around a bit so I can lay down comfortably and just watch my show on telly hopefully my dog will stick with me.

Thanks Amy. I appreciate your support xx

[Wonderland.]

I'm sure your dog will stick with you, sounds like you have a good companion there :)

I hope the Valium helps. Maybe take some Propranolol if you need something more.

[Patent Pending]

I hope taking your anxiety medication help Aimee <3

x x x

[Snow White.]

Thank you both.

Katie I really like your signature ;)

My dog just locked my mouth so I've spun into "maybe I will get sick" mode but it's happened before and I didn't get sick. I'm still in the zone of making sure I didn't get sick in the hospital.

Sorry that's not relevant. Physical anxiety is calming down. Trying to not think about tomorrow yet. To give myself a break.

[Too Shy]

How are you doing now Aimee?

I'm glad the physical anxiety is calming down a bit, and I think trying to 'rationalise' those worries about getting sick is a really good idea - like you said, it's happened before and you didn't get sick.

Giving yourself a break and not thinking about tomorrow yet sounds helpful. Have you got anything you can do for now to help you relax today? xx

[Snow White.]

Well I'm heading off to bed now so I'll probably listen to a relaxing meditation, thank you that is a really good idea.

I'm convinced everything is going to fall apart and I realize if I do speak to my coordinator about how bad things are it has to be tomorrow (same day as review) and I don't even know what to say. Obviously the anxiety. Does she need to know about the overdose? I'm scared it will fall out because she is compassionate and I just need someone to hear me but it's no no no I have to not tell her lest it jeaprodise my place on the course.

Maybe I'll have to find someone else to tell. Or blog about it.

Things seem like a big tangled up sticky mess.

[Wonderland.]

Sweet dreams honey <3

Can you write down what you would like to say even if you don't show her.

You can always talk to us about things!

[Snow White.]

I might just jot it down here if that's ok. I don't have much to tell her I suppose, just that I am experiencing extreme anxiety that may impact with my research. And the depression is affecting getting it of bed. So make it as severe as it is but if possible avoid mentioning the overdose.

Thank you x