Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

I don't want to take this anymore. I'm struggling to even find a reason to continue living. Everything just seems to be acting against my to remove my will to live, my strength to fight, and right now; my ability to find a reason to even attempt to continue. I know that I will continue. I know that felo-de-se is far beyond me but I'm now running scared. I just don't know how to deal with things. I still can't cope with emotional pain.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is really worth continuing on with. Other times it just seems like there is no point in bothering about it, because given my history there are some things I just need to destroy myself to cope with.

Going back in history a bit : we are coming up to the 24st anniversary of the time when I was sexually molested by a certain person. I've locked this away in my memory for quite some time as you can see. I'm scared about dealing with it. I don't really have the ability or knowledge of how to deal with things.

Travel forwards a bit : I'm in grade 8 at high school. My physical education instructor called me fat and told me that I needed to lose weight drastically because I came in 100 in our school cross country. I stopped eating from this point onwards, and when I did eat I made myself vomit. My family worked things out when I lost 30 kilograms in an incredibly short period of time. Mother asked me what had started things and I told her about my teacher. She was furious and thought that it was worse hearing about it because the teachers daughter had just been diagnosed with anorexia. This is the period where the thought that my life had no worth became lodged forever in my brain.

Slowly travelling forward : On the way from grade 8 to 11 some things were difficult. I had a couple of bad relationships where the "gentlemen" involved were into bashing me up. To this day I still believe that I deserve everything that these guys were dishing into me. I was raped and attacked by friends (or people that I thought were friends). I didn't fit in. I felt out of place and just wanted to escape from it all.

Grade 11 : My ex boyfriend committed suicide. This was a turning point in a number of ways. Firstly it brough death into my life as an option that I could take when things got too much. This was when I began to make use of that option and started making suicide attempts. Secondly I began to cut myself and harm myself in any way possible. I fell into a depression that I knew no way out of.

1998 - 2000/2001 : 1999, 2 years exactly after Jem's death my friend Chris killed himself. I managed to get by until my third year of uni (2000). I was studying Occupational Therapy and had a huge breakdown. I was sitting in a lecture one morning and started hearing the lecturer's voice from behind me while she was speaking from the front of the lecture theatre. Secretly I had actually started hearing a voice (which we shall call A) back in 1994. But in 2000 the voice was joined by a number of others - perhaps it would have been better to call it a multitude.
In the year 2000 I also had surgery. The night of the closing ceremony of the Olympics I had severe stomach pains and ended up at the hospital. They told me that it was probably constipation .... but they didn't do any ultrasounds or anything and they didn't really give a damn because they were so busy. The next morning I went to my doctor's surgery, half an hour later I was at the surgeons, and the next hour saw me prepared for surgery. They thought it could possibly be my appendix but when they went in for surgery it turned out that I had two ovarian cysts, one of which had exploded. Aside from the knowledge that I could get an ovarian cyst at any point I found out that they almost killed me because I have an allergy to latex.

Forward to 2006 : The years in between had seen more suicides (a best friend and a good friend) but thankfully on a different days of the year. And some friendship break-ups of mammoth proportions. I tended to isolate myself but having developed a good relationship with a private psychiatrist found a sense of general well-being.
In 2005 I decided that I wanted to return to university to study Information Tehcnology so I made plans and was accepted into the course for the 2006 year. When I went back I went back one subject a semester so that I wouldn't over-stress myself. My first year 2006 was purely maths subjects. The one subject matter that I really didn't think I would complete. But complete them I did, even with suicide attempts and cutting.

2007 - present day : 2007 saw my first computer science or more correctly programming subjects in which I managed to scrape in with HD's in both semester. Then this year I completed two computer science (database and multimedia) subjects in first semester and I started doing two subjects in second semester but I had a breakdown.

I'll continue this (with the missing parts) later.

[Kahlia1981]

Staying here in this time and age pour le moment.

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. A few weeks ago I stopped taking my lithium. It wasn't on purpose and I've started trying to remind myself to take the tablets again but my levels won't be exactly what they were. Most likely they have dropped and that will have something to do with my messed up brain patterns at present.

I feel like cutting myself or doing something a bit more dangerous. I've now lasted 106 days without self harm, but I'm not sure that I can make it much more. I have my eyes set on the 120 day mark - which equates to 4 lunar months.

Right now I want to do myself in. I want to end it all. I have nothing left here in this world to keep me going. My appearance is disgusting, I'm f*cking huge, I need to lose 100 kilograms to even reach a healthy weight. I can't do anything right for my family or friends. I should just get out there and destroy myself. I need some sort of relief or I need to get out of here.

I'm so sorry ...

[ravynsoul]

*Hugs (if you want them)*
I am not sure I have anything concrete to tell you; but I just wanted you to know that I am listening to what you are writing.... please keep on fighting! 106 days is amazing!!! Congrats on that achievement!!

Please pm me if you need anything!

[phoenixflames_forever]

*hugs*
am really stumped at what to say, but i wanted you to know i read your post and i do care and its important you keep talking and getting all these thoughts out. You have been strong dont forget that.

Take care
Phoenix x

[Kahlia1981]

I wish there was an easier way to do this. I feel like I can't keep going. I want to do a whole heap of stuff - like studying in a university that has a better reputation than the uni in my town - but I know that there is no way that I will be able to do so. I am just a failure. My friends I'm pretty sure think that some of my more monotonous issues are just attention seeking. I don't know... perhaps they are right. I don't consciously do or say things for attention, but ... I don't know. I feel like the coping mechanisms that I have are just not good enough. I feel like there is no way that I can get through this without cutting. I have to try to fight these demons but I just don't know how to. I don't have enough courage or determination to win this fight ... so maybe I just shouldn't even try. I just don't know anymore.

I'm so sorry.

[Kahlia1981]

Well I'm now 108 days SI free .... but I can't really see a point in celebrating it. I feel like there is just no purpose in staying SH/SI free. It keeps coming back to me that I regularly make 3 months or even 4 months but then I drop right back down and start using cutting/burning/suicide attempts as a valuable coping mechanism.

I drove one of my flatmates to her first appointment with a new psychologist today. I'm glad that she is able to go and see a psychologist who will give her the help (and tools) that she needs to cope, instead of her having to go and see the goldfish [in drag]. The goldfish didn't help me and definitely wasn't helping her. Hopefully this new psychologist will work for her.

I feel so .... blech .... today. I keep getting phrases running through my head :

"Mum and Dad are fighting, as Rosie lies there crying, for once again she's overheard, regrets of their mistake, when christmas bells are ringing, little Rosie'll leave them greaving, the gift she'll give her family will be the pills she'll take"

"All I ever wanted never wanted me, all the dreams that I've lived for have left me incomplete, now I'm still searching if I could find the truth, but these voices haunting me have left me so confused"

I don't know .... I'm having strong urges to harm myself ... to just stop taking the medication and let the illness and my stupid head take me wherever they want to take me.

I just want to run in any direction until I get to the point that I can run no further. I want to cry but I can't because I can only cry when I'm in a particular situation and I can't get that here and now. Then I feel like drinking alcohol to try and get to a point where I can cry.

Maybe there isn't a point to going on ... I just don't know anymore.

Sorry.

[ravynsoul]

*hugs*

Kahlia... i do think being 108 days SI/SH free is amazing, and I want to congratulate you on... even if you don't think it's worth celebrating...

As I have been reading and have been told, the process of recovery involves steps forwards and sometimes steps back.. but taking a step back, means you were somewere better.. [i'm not sure if my paraphrase made sense...]

is there any way you could maybe see a new psychologist or go to your doctor and maybe see if you can do something different with your meds?

please don't be sorry for talking;;; we're here to help each other..

i'm in a place where it's hard for me to find words to be supportive.. so i'm just going to say that i'm listening, even if i'm not saying anything.. and if you ever want to talk or just want hugs let me know.... i'm finding hugs is one thing i still love...

take care... *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

I keep forgetting to take my lithium. I'm barely sleeping ... and when I do sleep it's at ridiculous times in the morning and/or for ridiculous times. Last night I did well ... I slept for 9 or 10 hours then woke up and crashed again around about midday. I'm not sure if it's the darn heat just attacking me or whether it's the heat combined with my not eating properly and abusing laxatives and my praying to "the porcelain goddess". Whatever it is, it's completely and totally irritating. I do have the use of the airconditioner in here (remember that it's summer in Australia) but I've been choosing to leave it switched off so that I'm not increasing the household's electricity bill.

I've now made 110 days SI/SH free. I don't even feel like it's an achievement right now. Maybe I will later. I'm still fighting the urges and the desires but I can't really work out why I'm bothering. I keep asking myself whether I'm keeping SI/SH free just to please my friends and family or whether I'm doing it for myself. I have no idea anymore. The urges are getting even stronger. And I just want to get out of here. I want out of my entire life. It's time for it all to just stop. I wish I could do it.

[Kahlia1981]

The Cutters Lullaby by anon


Go to sleep, and close your eyes
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn
You know the pain that they have borne.

Silver metal, shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right
Dream of that blood trickling down
And wake up just before you drown

The moonlight’s shining off your tears
As you bleed out your own worst fears
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutters’ lullaby

Hushabye baby you’re almost dead
You don’t have a pulse and your pillow is red
Your family hates you; your friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife, ‘cause it’s all that you need

Rockabye baby, broken and scarred
You didn’t know that life would be this hard
Time to end the pain that you hid so well
And down will come baby, straight back to hell

[Kahlia1981]

I dream of night so dark and black
That all await the morn
So fears and apprehensions can
Be laid rest with the dawn

A knife is held unto my heart
The hand that holds is mine
The knife then plunges through my skin
And blood will come with time

Behind me stands my father strong
My sister stands beside
His weapon as can still be seen
Hurts only from inside

Yet mother still sleeps in her bed
Unknowing what goes on
She wonders why I hate him so
But knows not when I'm gone

I only wish that one day I
Could open up her eyes
And show her what he does to me
To save her from his lies

I hate him more than he hates me
But me I hate still more
For it is me he hates me with
And pain lives evermore

[Kahlia1981]

The darkness covers my face
Giving way to the blood beneath
I'm gasping for air
Suffocating
Sucking in the darkness
Into my lungs
Letting it take every fibre
Of my being
Filling my whole body
With it's filth
Like oil or tar
It takes hold
It will never let go
So I bleed
And the darkness engulfs me
Pervading my every thought
Till I am nothing
Nothing but the darkness
Bleeding
With no salvation

[Kahlia1981]

Well I've made it to 111 days SI free ... if I make it to 1600 hours today I will have reached my next goal. I'm setting my goals at only one day at a time ... which I suppose is a good thing. I mean, literally speaking we can only travel one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Right??

Mentally speaking I'm still heading downhill. I feel awful. Even when I'm surrounded by people I can't help feeling alone ... like no-one gets me. Even when I'm with people who I know do get me I get that feeling. Maybe it's just "in a room full of people I am alone". I'm still regularly forgetting to take my lithium and when I do take it I start feeling like I need to start running around and trying to burn off the extra calories that it is giving me by taking it.

I just want to scream ....

S I N - poem by anon


Fasting is the loveliest sin,
Nirvana emerges from such
Sanctity comes when it's time to weigh in,
Though we know that we weigh far too much.

Holy palmers bowing, hunched,
In front of porcelain gods to pray
Sacrificing breakfast and lunch,
Hoping to fade away.

Jesus Christ Superstar,
Bloody towels wipe vomit and acid
Our holy endeavors can't hide who we are,
Bone cathedrals, no longer placid.

Kneeling in front of providence,
Euphoria soon to begin
All we know is that heaven is near,
Fasting is the loveliest sin.

[Kahlia1981]

Random quote from Lano & Woodley's The Island.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will only cause permanent psychological damage.

[Kame]

I just wanted to give you some cuddles, i'm so sorry I don't have anything useful to say.
*Cuddles*
xxxxx

[ravynsoul]

Hi Kahlia.... *leaving you lots of hugs*
good for you for focusing on getting thru a short period of time; sometimes i find that helps... I try to live one moment at a time; otherwise life can be too overwhelming.

Are you maybe able to go see a counsellor or doctor and see if you can get your meds sorted out... talk about the fact that you feel things are going downhill?

If you ever want to chat pm me.

take care

[Kahlia1981]

I've slipped .... I let one of my closest friends in on my plan to kill myself before that horrible day (christmas). I thought it would be the best gift that I could give my family ... never having to deal with me and my bullsh*t again. That's all that families want right ?? To rid themselves of the "black sheep". Now I feel worse than ever because I let someone in on it. I shouldn't have ... I shouldn't have dragged someone else down into the abyss with me. Aaaaagggghhh.

I saw my doctor this morning. He doesn't want to change my meds right at this point and I'm not particularly surprised. See, this is his last week at work for a month - they close down over the festive season (or should that be the festy season ??) - and he doesn't want to risk me having a medication change when he won't be around to help out if things go incredibly haywire ... which they do tend to do with me.

I feel huge at the moment. I've been putting on weight all day. I'm hoping that it's not from this damn cold that I've got. I ache all over and feel like I can't exercise and it's driving me absolutely nuts. It hurts so much to breathe that I am starting to think that maybe I shouldn't bother breathing anymore. I'm still smoking like a chimney though ... which you would think I wouldn't, especially as I'm an asthmatic. I guess I'm just a stupid, fat, ugly whore.

Some days I just want to rip my head off so badly.

Sorry if anyone read this .... I'm just not coping and I don't really have anywhere I can speak plainly in real life. I'm so sorry.

[ravynsoul]

*hugs*

Please don't go thru with your plan Kahlia!! Don't apologize for writing here; it's good that you are able to get your feelings out in real life here... much better than keeping them inside.

*leaves hugs if you want them*

[Kahlia1981]

I got offered a place at QUT!!!

I never thought that I would get accepted into the Information Technology degree down there. This means that I have had to apply for deferral for 12 months or so, as I am currently enrolled in JCU up here, and have not made any concrete plans for moving to Brisbane. I really want to go down there though ... even though it will mean leaving all my friends behind. I want a degree from a reputable university that specialises in IT. I want to get heaps more programming under my belt. It's the one thing in this world that I actually genuinely enjoy.

Unfortunately I have to tell my female parental unit and she's not going to be too pleased. But I guess that's what you get.

Hopefully I'll be able to live on campus ... I'm so freaking excited now!!

[ravynsoul]

Congrats Kahlia!!! That is wonderful news :)

[Sigma]

well done! great news!