ive been planning tonight, the date im gonna do it how im gonna do it, now i just need the balls to actually do it because i cant go on like this. im tired of fighting.
what happens if you never come back on here? what happens if i we never talk again? what happens if i'm old and still dreaming and thinking about you every day? i'd rather die then have things between us end that way. please stop haunting me.
sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I never met you, never let you become everything to me, never let you control me, I can't decide if it would be better or worse? when you were my only reason for living, maybe that's all that kept me alive through the years. but in the long run, after all this time, it was you who ruined my life, you're the one who broke me, put me though hell, hurt me... sometimes I'm so mad at you for what you did to me, but I'm more mad at myself for letting you.
Today for a moment, I was actually happy. Today no thoughts of suicide really stayed in my mind. Today I worried that it wouldn't always be this way that I would return again to the state I was in before, where life was too scary to live. Because I'm not stupid. I come out of the dark scary place, and eventually something always pushes me back in again. This time, I want to stay happy. Even if I'm not truly happy right now, I'm not depressed either.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
I feel like you don't understand me and that hurts. But then why would you? I don't even understand me most of the time. I really wish you could though. I need someone to make things make sense but how you can you when I can't even explain why it doesn't make sense?
I know that I wouldn't have come, and you know that I wouldn't have come, but it still hurts to see the photo's of you all together at a house party I wasn't even aware of until just now. It's just reminded me of how pathetic I am and how friendless I am and how I am so different to you and our cousins. I don't belong.
You are my everything.
I am on my way to becoming the person I always wanted to be because of you.
My future lies with you and only you. I've never been so sure of anything in my life.
The fear of losing you drives me to be all I can be. I never want to end up where I was before I met you. My life was dark back then, but you've brightened it so much in the eight months you've been mine.
I adore you. I'm yours completely.
<3
MCR is my CPR
Think Happy Thoughts
'Cause all of the stars, have faded away. Just trynot to worry, you'll see them someday.
I knew it would happen in the end, and we were never really that close to begin with (not that there was the time to), if anything just acquintances, and I saw a different, slightly more undesireble side to you when we spoke on Facebook, but for some reason it still hurts, even though it isn't anything personal and with the distance it would never have been much of a friendship anyway. "You win some, you lose some" I guess. I'm not gonna re-add you back. Just move on.
I need you to hug me and tell me its going to be ok.
