I slipped up

[long road]

Let me preface by saying it's nothing that's needs medical attention. But then I never harmed more than superficially.

But I am feeling bummed out about giving in. I wrestled with my urges to self harm and wanting to but not being able to for hours on Thursday night and was successful I didn't harm. Tonight I thought about it for a minute dismissed the first urge and tool suggestion, then a couple of minutes later chose to harm a different way. Trauma triggers and not persuading myself to sleep yet definitely contributed.

I don't want to fully relapse. I very rarely harm these days maybe once every few months if that. But this felt different than those times, this felt less like acting on impulse and more like a conscious decision. That and I am fairly sure I can hide it and that worries me because how my partner would react is one of the things that stops me.

Just wanted to share my fears with some people who understand. And maybe ask for help making it a one off rather than a relapse.

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry to hear that you self-harmed, the after-regret can suck!

In terms of moving forward, how do you feel about telling your partner about what has happened? I know you've said you think you can hide it, but maybe telling them (unsure of pronouns?) would be useful in terms of giving you some support and also a bit of accountability as they'll know to be a bit more attentive to things and that might be helpful to prevent this becoming a proper old relapse.

It sounds like you've already identified some triggers that led up to it- is there anything that would help you to persuade yourself to go to sleep in the future?

It seems pertinent to share a link to a song that helped me through difficult times, that was linked to me many years ago by a certain member of this site...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nan4Kdtz-9w

[long road]

I don't think I can face telling my partner. I know he will blame himself and be so sad. He would be supportive too but I'd be able to see the hurt on his face as I know him too well (it's been ten years). Blame would be especially bad as I had shared I was wrestling with a few things before bed and also persuaded him to get some sleep when I didn't feel able to try for a while.

As for persuading myself to sleep I did try a few times in the hours before I ended up harming. But thoughts were going round and I couldn't focus on what I was listening to enough to distract me. So I kept going on my phone and the internet because I couldn't settle. I tried.looking at some constructive resources as sometimes that helps me settle the idea there are things I can try another day. But in hindsight it helped me wallow longer.

Thanks for the song. I feel like I may know the member who linked it to you all those years ago.

[Elmer]

Hey, a slip up is a slip up. To me it actually sounds like you’ve made progress with how you think about it - it feels different because you’re acknowledging it as a decision you made, and it possibly wasn’t as effective for your distress because of all the feelings and consequences that came alongside it?

What I’m trying to say is that you could use this as a chance to learn, not a stick to beat yourself with - you did a thing that used to help but this time the main feelings you are left with are regret and self-blame? It takes *years* for us to rebuild the pathways in our brains away from self harm. Like it’s a physical process and it’s not easy, so of course sometimes we go down that road even if we don’t particularly want to. It’s not your fault, you’re doing amazing things with limited resources while your FND and everything else is such a struggle. You just did a thing to try to cope. Now you have the basis of new safer ways to cope.

[Auror.]

Also know have mentioned this with regards to routines and building habits, but one time of doing a not ideal thing doesn't undo all of the other times you've not done the thing. There's way more times you didn't self harm than days and times you did, and none of that is undone. Hope you are being kind to yourself.

[long road]

Thanks for the pep talk Lio. It didn't really help with distress quite the same due to feeling bad about giving in but it did shut the urges up and I am not sure I would have slept at all if I hadn't done it. So no endorphin hit like the old days but I guess it shocked me into being sensible?

A good point about not using it as a stick to beat myself with, my tendency is to beat myself up about most things even things that aren't my fault. This is my fault but they are extenuating circumstances of self harm as a learned coping mechanism for almost half my life. Although I did manage nearly 3 years Self harm free between breakdowns (Autumn 2016 - Summer 2019) And then didn't self harm the whole of 2020. Since FND though is when the thoughts intensified and it became an every few months maybe more if I consider things like skin picking and biting.

I think part of it was getting tired of saying no to the thoughts over and over again instead of saying yes Nd not having to be stuck in the loop. So with safer coping mechanism stuff I think it's a case of maybe identifying if I have self harm urges that I am in distress an trying to treat the cause of the distress rather than just surf the urge and distract or getting adversarial against the thoughts. Easier said than done though. I miss therapy.

Thanks Camden, the song Jenna posted agrees with you the chorus says
' And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away'

Having been trying my best to be kind to myself and mostly succeeding. Injury hurts a bit and that keeps reminding me and dragging me down some but it is what it is.

[long road]

I still really suck at persuading myself to sleep. After some of the childhood trauma stuff came to the forefront yesterday I think I am scared of sleeping.
Scared of meeting the people that hurt me again in my dreams and scared of reliving the moments. I don't flashback to them when I am awake anymore sure I remember them but I don't become that scared five year old. Dreams, dreams are different and I don't want to be powerless again. I don't want to live the what ifs where it gets worse where I don't escape the man on the train.

Not sure this is the best thread for this but I think it relates to why I chose to harm, why I started harming all those years ago. I am scared and I wanted something I could control, and if I hurt me at least it's a choice. Not like when they hurt me. And also because after 11 years of different people choosing to hurt me or not caring if they did when it finally stopped me being hurt was normal. And right this second I am trying to find the healthier coping mechanisms but these emotions hurt too and I am scared of them.