I'm new to the forum and when I saw the name of the site I completely understood 'RecoverYourLife'. My life, like a lot of other people's lives on here I imagine, has been on hold for what seems like forever.
Everything since my ED started seems to have been a waste. Time literally seems to have disappeared into thin air. And what gets to me the most is that I'm letting it. I'm allowing myself to just watch my life pass by and not do anything. I've spent so much time thinking 'I'm too fat to do that' that I've missed out on all the things I should have been doing. I never go out. Most girls my age will be getting dressed up and ready to go out and enjoy themselves tonight and I've eaten my way to feeling sick and disgusting.
And then when I look back at photos I wonder 'why did you never go out, you weren't fat then, but you are now so you can't go out now either.' Before my ED I used to be able to just do what I wanted and be happy and carefree. Now my life is never like that. I wonder where the past 3 years of my life have gone it's been such a waste. How can something steal so much time from me? I just want it to go away I'm so scared I'll never recover. I'll never be normal I'll never do anything without feeling bound like this. I should be living my life but I'm not and I can't.
Please what can I do? I've been so down for so long I just can't see a way out. And I know 3 years seems like nothing to some people here but I'm just finding it so hard. I'm 22 and I still feel like a child because I don't feel like I've been able to grow as a person because of the ED. I want to recover fully I really really really do. I hate myself for allowing it to carry on but I just don't know what to do. Why does it have to happen? I wish I could go back in time and decisions I made that led to where I am now
First of all, know that there IS a way out. Things don't have to be like this, and they won't be forever. It's great that you see that you want to find a way out, as hard as it is to realize these things. Knowing that you want out is the first step to getting out.
Do you have any professional support, or are you willing to look into getting any? I know that that's a huge, scary step, but it might be worth checking out. They can help you to get on the right track with your eating, and to talk about the way that your feeling.
Try to take some time every day to do something nice for yourself. What do you like to do? It's just a little thing, but it can be a step to living your life again. I also find, that when I'm really struggling, being with people helps, even if they're not people who know about my struggles. Just to be able to laugh, have some fun, think about other things for awhile.
I promise, there is a way out, and you will get there. Keep fighting. I'm always here if you want to talk, about anything. :)
Thank you so much for your kind reply Ilana. It really makes me feel better to know somebody listens.
With professional support, I started to attend meetings which are like self help groups but not professional and then I stopped when I thought I was ok but I'm going back there next week.
I've also seen a councillor once but she told me she was going to refer but and I've never heard anything. The problem is that I'm scared of getting professional help because I'm started teacher training in September and all of this stuff has to go on your record. They're already investigating the fact that I had to see a doctor ONCE about it and had my periods disappear for a while before they decide if I can go on the course. I told them it was under control now but clearly it's not. I'm going to continue with the self-help meetings for a while and hopefully that will help a bit.
Reading, I like to read, and go to the cinema. Yeah you're right about being with people, I am happier and feel more 'normal' when I'm with my friends but when I lose control a bit I tend to completely neglect my contact with them.
Thank you so much. As of today I'm going to try to keep myself busy and not do the B word.
I understand your teacher training worries. I'm also majoring in Education (I know it's a little different how it goes her in the US to there, but I think in essence it's the same). What I've been told is that it looks much better if you are currently getting help, or have gotten help. If it comes out that you have these struggles, which it very possibly might, they're going to look much more kindly on it if you're working towards getting it solved. I don't know how helpful knowing that is, but it's something I'm trying to think about, as well as knowing I can't be the best teacher I can be if I'm still struggling with my ED.
Oh man, I haven't been to the movies in ages. That sounds awesome :)
Keeping busy sounds like a great idea. I believe in you.
Thanks! I love Shakespeare, I'd been reading Hamlet in one of my classes when I joined. :)
Yes you're right about the ED affecting the teaching. I just hope that I am in a better place by the time I start my training. And I am definitely going to focus on getting help up until then. Sometimes I just feel like it's ruined my life you know? Like everything would be much different if it hadn't happened. I know that's so negative but sometimes you can't help feeling that way can you?
I saw 21 Jump Street last week, really enjoyed that! Have you seen it? I know the films in America must come out faster than here.
Thanks :) Just taking every day as it comes.
Ah I love Shakespeare too, Hamlet is my favourite play actually. I have a copy on my bedside table, always go back to it. What are you going to teach?
My name is also from a book. My favourite Lolita xx
Focusing on getting help up until then is important. And make sure you have some sort of support in place while you're in training, as well, in case things get overwhelming. Knowing that you want to be a teacher can also be a great motivation for beating this! Something to work towards and get excited for.
They do, and I know it's out, but I haven't seen it. The last movie I saw, thinking about it, was the Hunger Games, which I LOVED. And wasn't that long ago, so I lied when I said it'd been ages, totally forgot about that. :P
I'm going to (hopefully) teach either theatre/music at a high school level, or teach elementary school, maybe 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade. :)
One day at a time! Sometimes I even have to take things hour by hour. But however you need to break it up, little goals can help, rather than just, "I need to recover."
I completely relate about the ED having taken so much of your life. I find that sometimes when I feel too fat to go out, if I force myself to do it I start to feel better when I see my friends. It is difficult, but perhaps pushing yourself to get out of your comfort zone from time to time would help you to build your confidence (e.g. You can challenge the thought "Ugh I'm too fat to go out" with "Well I went out the other night when I felt fat and had a good time") and stop you from missing out on quite so much.
I am kinda the exact same way, with the pictures thing. EVen from a few months ago, I'll look back and think "why did I think that then?" And I'll compare it to now and...you get the picture. But the thing is, if that keeps happening for so much time and so much time, eventually, its kinda a thing that you know you'll be looking back on pictures of yourself NOW and be thinking the same thing
And I COMPLETELY agree with your comment about how its stopped you from doing things, and I think prettyontheinside got it right on the spot.
And I've come to realize that like the things I hate about myself and my body....a lot of it are things most people don't even realize. You spend everysingle minute of your life with yourself (that sounds kinda weird, I know) and you're bound to notice WAY more about yourself, for good or for worse, than anyone else will.
Yeh you're right, I should push myself outside of my comfort zone a bit more and I do feel better when I'm with my friends. I dunno why I always think feeling fat should stop me going out when I know a lot of people who are bigger than me and it doesn't stop them living their lives and having a good time.
Yes I completely get the picture :) Yeh I know I was thinking that just the other day. And it gets to the point where you've pretty much missed out on so much for no reason.
Yeah you're completely right. My friends tell me I have body dismorphia and I suppose we all have that. It does help :) thanks
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