Why does everyone keep hassling me? I accidentally sent an email that was supposed to just be a short private written rant to my uni m/h co-ordinator and now because she is not in tomorrow and she is worried about my welfare she felt it necessary to contact head of student support and residential services, my CPN and the CMHT (or something like that). How can she? She does not even work for the NHS. I swear thats breaking confidentiality and what the **** are they going to do anyway? Exactly...nothing. Leave ME THE HELL Alone.
I want to cut/I don't want to cut
I want to drink/I don't want to drink
I want to speak to people/I don't
I want help/I don't want help
I need help/I don't need help
Don't know, don't care. Except I do care, a lot. I've just crashed hugely and had enough. I don't know what to do anymore. I have this nagging thought/realisation that maybe, maybe I am ill and it maybe might be a problem. But you know what? Nobody else sees it that way...****ing doctor at A&E who wouldn't stitch obviously didn't, nobody at home even knows so obviously I am fine. I have now decided I do want to SI but I never want to go to that hospital again. So I am drinking, 36 hours before a huge paper deadline and I am getting hammered.
Sorry, this is a really ****ing pointless post. Why do people keep harassing me? How can she say I am not safe? If I want to cut to point of serious damage and stitches 3/4 times a week so what? It wasn't even a bad email, just a bit like...not able to focus, etc etc, only about 3 lines and now I'm a concern? Huh??? Too complicated, can't process. **** off whole friggin world.
Sorry for clogging up thread board with yet another pointless post.
I'm sorry your having a rough time right now hun, try and not do anything i don't want anything bad happen to you. I don't know why people keep harassing you but just try and ignore them, some people talk a load of bull at times, and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
Hun your not clogging up the thread board you've got a right to say what you want and when you want *hugs you some more* and it isn't pointless.
I'm around if you wanna chat xxxx
My amazing sisters - Katch, Pomegrante, Hells, Dark Light, blondiebear, l'il esky and Sweetest Downfall :)
My cool cousins - Daisy star, Crystalheart and Crazykat :)
Hun you're not clogging up the board with useless posts at all.
I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time at the moment and I wish I could do more. If I'm hassling you hun, then feel free to let me know and I'll leave you be if you want. Emma is right, a lot of people do talk bs.
I love you hun and don't want anything bad to happen to you.
Sweetheart people are only harrassing you because they care. i know it sounds cliched but its true. needing stitches a few times a week is a problem, it's not fine, its just a symptom of an underlying problem. but you already know that.
i think you do want help and you absolutely deserve it. it might all not come to much anyway in this instance but i think you should take any help you can get cos im sure these feelings are doing your head in.
please try to stay safe sweetie
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
It's nobody off here Hells and Em. It's the ****ing medical profession who can;t make up theirt minds if there is anything wrtong or not. They won't leave me alone. Lots of thoughts about this evil inside people, very evil. Keeps coming up randomly, not scared, not seeing things, not hearing things, just evil that realised is part of human nature but its far more evil than I thought and its not good. O fond tmyself identifying with random people and characters phrases everywhere cos they know. Even if not conciously. they know.
But ITS NOT A PROBLEM. It's not cos if it is then I am a problem and I donbt know how to deal with that. I ****ING HATE THIS ****ING BOLLOCKS PIECE OF CRAP. Who gets drunk before huge papers and drinks before an exam? I switch, sometimes feelings too much, other times destruction is the only way I can cope with the world. I don't want to kill myself, I just wnt to self destruct but the messages arew so mixed, don't know what to do.
I ****ING HATE THIS ****ING BOLLOCKS PIECE OF CRAP.
wooo go emma! did that help at all? i think shouting and ranting at us/therapists/your pillow would be good for you.
having a problem doesnt mean YOU are a problem hun. it just means you are struggling and this is clouding all your thoughts.
i wish i could make it all better for you but until my magic powers arrive in the post all i can do is give you *hugs* and tell you that things WILL get better one day
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Love you sweetie, I'll be out most of the day but it's with Abbi so text me if you need me yeah? Or if you wanna tell me something or chat or whatever, just do it yeah? :)
I thought i better reply again, just cause i care and i want you to know i'm here for you and your my ryl sister :)
I know what the medical people are like there bloody useless at times and they think nothing is wrong but really there is, they won't leave you alone hun cause they care about you just like all of us do :) i wish i could make all your pain dissapear and for you to be happy like you deserve.
How you feeling today hun??
xxx
My amazing sisters - Katch, Pomegrante, Hells, Dark Light, blondiebear, l'il esky and Sweetest Downfall :)
My cool cousins - Daisy star, Crystalheart and Crazykat :)
You know its annoying because they tell you there is nothing wrong with you then all of a sudden they decide that oh yes there definately is something wrong and you do need help.
But needing stitched 3/4 times a week, to me, indicates that maybe you do need some help and if they are offering then maybe this is the time to take it?
Its hard to accept it, i only did because they sectioned me but sometimes help is needed to put some perspective on the chaos inside your head.
Scream at me if this post annoys you!
Take care sweetie xxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
thanks for the replies Sorry I just don't know what is going on with me at the moment, I really don't. I knew the people she contacted wouldn't do anything and they haven't. It is obviously not too much of a problem, my SI that is or they would have been in contact. Still don't understand what the hell she hoped to achieve though by contacting them?
Trying to focus on writing a 5000 word essay due tomorrow, only need 18% on it to average a pass on that module but it's so hard to concentrate. All these images and thoughts of hurting myself keep coming into my head and they are so tempting. I wish my brain would stick with one thing rather than flipping all the time, from wanting to indulge in urges to fighting them to be ok. Why can't I just let go completely?
good luck with the essay - can we help at all.
sorry no-one mentioned anything (I know you were angry with her for speaking to them - but i should imagine that it feels even worse knowing that they have been told and them still not checking on you) i just don't get the world at all.
please try not to hurt yourself - enough people have hurt you already - you really are such a worthwhile person - your responses to people on here show that - you say really sensible stuff to people and i know you help them. hugs to you xxx
Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?
My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*
*hugs you* Hope you're doing okay (or as close to it as possible). Good luck with your essay, I'm sure you'll do well enough to pass. It sounds like somewhere deep down you want some help, and I'm sorry the medical professionals can't seem to see that. Stay safe hun
Hey litle sister,
I haven't spoken to you for a while and I just wanted to say hello and send you some hugs,
How are you doing today???
xxx
Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?
My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
tra la la i hope you are doing okay
i dont know why i am singing haha
anyway i think that you do deserve help and that you are ill and it is a problem because life isnt supposed to be like this
you arent supposed to be so stressed and upset and people arent supposed to be treating you like that but you are supposed to feel better
so you should get some help
and i do think that is true
so i think you just need to like hugely advocate for yourself or whatever and get a good psych and none of these horrid people like that doc who wouldnt stitch people like that are useless get somebody like the nice nurse who tried to help you and was always nice
that is my fabulous and profound idea
*hugs*
It is 6.10am and I am still awake. I'm not upset tonight, or happy. I'm not even nothing or angry I don't think. Just....hollow I guess. I prefer being stupidly depressed to be honest. Thing is, I don't see myself getting hugely worse or better in the future either. I can see myself killing myself, but that would not be because I could not cope with the pain of living. It will be when I have just had enough. I am calm about this, I have a method and the means of that, I see images, of that method and half a dozen others. I'm not threatening suicide, just acknowledging it as the most probable outcome for my future.
Thinking is becoming more of a problem. I can no longer think or focus properly. Days become a blur, dreams mix with reality, time is flexible and now I question what is reality, what is real, who is real, whether everyone sees people the way I do, I can see shadowy orbs around people sometimes, I relate to them and situations everywhere I go. Their life story appears into my mind and they seem so real but afterwards their memory is no more real than remembering a film or a dream from long ago.
I don't know why I am writing this, I suppose to get it out. I don't really like this blurring of physical structures and concepts. It is too confusing. But at the same time I sometimes think if I could control it or master it, or even accept it in some way then I would maybe, just maybe be able to see things as they really are, with the disguise pushed aside.
Just....hollow I guess. I prefer being stupidly depressed to be honest.
It will be when I have just had enough. I am calm about this, I have a method and the means of that, I see images, of that method and half a dozen others.
Thinking is becoming more of a problem. I can no longer think or focus properly. Days become a blur
sweetheart. what can i say? i feel all of this, exactly as you have put it, in myself as well. i think u summed it up in your PM to me - the only thing we can do is hope for the answers.
just had to let you know im acknowledging how you feel.
love,
chloe
xxx
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Sorry I just don't know what is going on with me at the moment, I really don't. I knew the people she contacted wouldn't do anything and they haven't. It is obviously not too much of a problem, my SI that is or they would have been in contact. Still don't understand what the hell she hoped to achieve though by contacting them?
