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Triggering (SI/Abuse) - copy of an email I just sent my counsellor - thoughts and advice please
Every time I'm walking home after talking to you, I always remember a load of
things that I meant to say but forgot! I'll therefore take this opportunity to
email the stuff I forgot about.
Where financial stuff is concerned, I probably do have enough money and don't
necessarily have to work to survive. However, it doesn't seem right that I'm
being given more money than other people when I'm not doing anything in
particular to earn it. Therefore, I have to go back to Skipton to work because
I'm only happy to spend money that I've actually earnt. Also, when I was living
at YMCA, my wages (from working 18 hour weekends whilst still at school
full-time) weren't quite enough to pay for everything so I always ended up with
about £5 to last me the last 2 weeks of each month. So I need to work for my own
peace of mind that that won't happen again.
Also, I think the situation with family members is going to have to be an
'all-or-nothing' sort of thing. I have no intention whatsoever to speak to my
parents again, but the situation is getting a bit too awkward with my
Grandparents etc. I'm not going to tell my Grandparents what happened, but it
looks like they're not going to stop asking questions about it. I don't feel
particularly comfortable around them any more as it's too big a reminder of my
parents - in fact I would prefer to be doing a whole degree course made up
entirely of presentations than to go through the same sort of anxiety stuff as
I did when I was with them over Christmas.
I've just found another blackmail attempt on our kitchen table which has
obviously been there since before Christmas, suggesting the my housemates will
have seen it before I did. It's a postcard from my mum, which says:
"We drove 660 miles yesterday to see you. The reason we did this was to ensure
you were well and healthy after your injury but above all because we love you
so much and care for you."
I don't even know what to say about it. We both know it's not true - that might
have been the reason my Grandma came to see me but 99% of the injuries I've
ever got have been given to me by my mum so I don't know what she's trying to
achieve. I makes me feel guilty though. Maybe I shouldn't have moved away and
made it obvious to other people that something was wrong. I only moved into
YMCA in April, maybe I could have lasted 'til September in my tent, come up to
St Andrews or whatever Uni I could have got into with the grades I'd have ended
up with, and nobody would have known anything about it apart from the few people
I'd spoken to who had to keep it confidential anyway. That would have been a lot
easier all round. I've probably caused a lot of unnecessary suffering for a lot
of people, including my parents.
I used to carry blades with me all the time because I didn't feel safe without
them. Knowing I had something to hurt myself with whenever and wherever I
wanted to was just a necessary thing for a while. I stopped carrying a blade
because one of my teachers at school found out that I had it, reported it to
the Heads and I ended up getting threatened with being suspended and subjected
to several searches. I couldn't really afford to get suspended so had to go
without it for a while. I started carrying one with me again after my mum
turned up on my doorstep and I realised that I didn't have anything to hurt
myself with when I needed it. It's apparently not illegal to have it, as long
as it's for personal use only. It wasn't for me to have it in school but I
assume that university is different (?). It's not obvious to anyone else that I
have it anyway (it's hidden in the back of my phone) so it's not a problem in
that respect but it's a bit of a step backwards where recovery is concerned.
I'm still not really sure about this CPN thing. I'm still sort of set on the
ideal of university being a new start thing, so I don't really want to end up
having to go back to like I was before, having to spend several hours a week
focusing on the fact that I'm incapable of living my own life properly. My
theory is that I'm not going to get any better if I just rely on other people
to help me all the time. I also don't really want to form new attachments to
new people because it ends up being a lot more difficult when it finishes. I
still miss the people who helped me before, even though I didn't even know them
properly. I also don't want to end up with a medical record longer than several
dictionaries from seeing a million different people about the same thing.
I have no idea if any of that made any sense but I think that's pretty much
everything I forgot to say yesterday.
......
As I said, I always forget something.
I don't know exactly what this would be classed as, but I'm sort of abusing the
Mirtazapine in a way that I'm not meant to be using it. The idea is to take it
at night because it has a sort of sedative effect. That's fine because it helps
me sleep etc etc. But half the time, I'm taking it mid-afternoon because I just
want to shut off from the world completely and I know it will knock me out for
a good 12 hours or so. So if you look at it that way, it's only working for
depression because I'm asleep by the time I would normally feel bad in any day.
That probably doesn't class as 'abusing' it, but I'm fairly sure that's not
really the intended purpose!! Whether or not it's working in general, I have no
idea!
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