Contamination

[not_so_insig]

I am so pleased that you can go out for Christmas Day! They must have seen some improvement so well done on that score.

[Cacoethes]

Thanks Dawn :)
I've been trying really hard

[not_so_insig]

Keep on going Beckie and they will soon let you in your room.

[Auror.]

Maybe if things go well on Christmas they will change their mind about being in your room? That sucks that your hard work isn't being recognized, but it doesn't mean don't keep trying. I'm glad you are able to get some leave and transportation!

[Cacoethes]

Thank you Dawn and Camden :)

I hope they do change their mind about my room
It's hard being in the lounge where it's loud and busy
The nurses have let me in this evening because they think it's silly I can't be in here when I've been doing so well

[Cacoethes]

Sorry to bump this again

I’ve just watched an episode of a tv show that was about a murderer putting new blood into someone else and it’s enough to send my mind into overdrive.
I don’t know what to do. What if it’s a sign?
What if it isn’t?
I might talk to staff when the night shift come on but it depends who is working tonight. I might not be able to talk to them

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Don't be sorry for bumping - I'm glad you did :)

I would definitely try to talk to the night staff if you can. What worries you about talking to them?

[Cacoethes]

Thank you <3

I just worry that it will go against me in some way.
I really want to go home and don’t want to be kept in here longer so it feels more sensible to keep all my thoughts and feelings locked away

[Auror.]

I know I probably have said this before but I think in general, if they don't have any information about how you're doing to go on, they tend to err on the side of caution. Where if they know you can be trusted to talk to them when things come up, they'll be more likely to work with you because they will know when you're struggling.

I think it's worth trying to talk to them. Maybe you can even start out with mentioning your fear of being kept longer first? Then see what they have to say about that before you go into the other thing, so if you don't like your response you don't have to bring it up.

[Cacoethes]

That is very true Camden. You are wise

I did talk to the nurse. She was a bit of a b*tch about it. Demanded I come out of my room. Said if she had the staff she would put me on 1:1 (thankfully they are short staffed tonight) and when I refused to come out of my room she made me leave my door wide open which I hate. And she said she'd have to record what I said.

[Auror.]

Ugh I'm really sorry. That's a totally illogical and unhelpful response and not okay at all.

[Pomegranate]

I’m sorry you felt she was unhelpful, I suppose it depends on what you said and how she interpreted it. I can see her logic of wanting you to come out your room although 1:1 seems a bit harsh when you’re trying to be honest and ask for support (presuming you did ask for support?). Re recording- I actually agree with her. If you’ve told her the voices are telling you to harm yourself etc of course it needs to be in notes so other professionals are aware you are struggling and with what.

[Cacoethes]

Thanks both

I get that she has to record it but she didn't have to be so awful about it. You should have heard her tone of voice!
Yes I did ask for support. She didn't have much to say about that. Just 'come to the lounge so we can see you'
Which is more about them not having to do paperwork than preventing me from harming myself (though this may be a really cynical way of looking at it) . The lounge was really busy at that point so would have made things worse.

It's 4:45am and I've woken up terrified that someone is going to kill me. I don't know who or why.
This is what happened before. I don't know why this is happening. I don't want to go to staff because I feel silly.

[Auror.]

Do you think you can go back to sleep or no? If no, I think it's worth trying to go to staff. That sounds really scary. <3

I'm basically staring at live view because I have nothing else to do atm so that's why I am responding so quickly sorry if creepy

[Unbreakable.]

I agree talking to staff might be worth a shot.

Idk if this is a super weird suggestion or not- but, something that I would do if I was awake worried someone was going to come and kill me is to tell myself that being awake and worrying about it will not keep them from doing it. And also, even if I saw them coming, I wouldn't really have a fighting chance anyway. So I can either be up and worry about it and be awake for it, or I can go to sleep and die in my sleep. I hope this makes some sort of sense.
Doesn't always work, but sometimes it can be helpful to be like oh well, it's gonna happen anyway might just as well sleep.

[Cacoethes]

That's not creepy Camden
I went to staff in the end and they gave me some prn and I slept with the light on which helped. Though it took me a while to get to sleep.

That does make sense Lana. Thanks for that.
I am obviously not dead so they didn't kill me. I don't even know who 'they' are. It seems ridiculous.

[Unbreakable.]

Sounds like you handled it well, well done!

It can be stressful to handle anxiety or panic surrounding something that part of you recognizes as irrational. Because the feelings are real, despite your brain knowing it's untrue. I think it might be a good sign though that you can identify them as far fetched.

How are you today?

[Cacoethes]

Thanks Lana <3

Yes it’s good that I can notice it’s not real. A few weeks ago I probably wouldn’t have realised that.

I’m Sick of being kicked out of my room and worried about the contamination. Even though it may be real. Or not real. I have my depot today so I’m hoping I will know in the next 24 hours when it kicks in

[not_so_insig]

I hope your depot helps Beckie. You are not alone in having increased "symptoms" (I cant think of a better word but that's what professionals call it) before your depot as that happens to me sometimes too. But it's a good thing that you recognise that it's not real. Keep on fighting.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you Dawn <3
It’s annoying isn’t it?