Update: After phoning and hanging up 3 times I managed to speak to someone on Duty. They were't very helpful and didn't understand the depth and severity of where I am at the moment. They just told me to colour in for 10 minutes and do some dusting. I hope they're not all like that. I feel like I have no one now because I'm sure all the people on Duty will just want me to distract myself and if the time comes when I'm at breaking point they won't recognise that I need to be in hospital. Why do MH services suck so much?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks Beckie. I think there is one person who is sometimes on Duty who knows me a bit better but my previous CPN is the only one who understands me. I don't know what to do. They're just going to keep pushing distractions because I'm obviously fine since I'm managing to pick up my prescription and do some other things. I'm also worried about how this will look when I have my benefits reviewed. It doesn't matter to them that I need a CPN they'll just focus on how I don't have one and assume I'm better.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I feel so lost with nothing to hold on to now. My CPN was so good for me and is still needed by me. I don't know what to do. I could maybe talk to my psychiatrist about it but I don't know when my next appointment with her will be. She might have been part of the team that decided I don't need CPN input though. My previous CPN has been off for months but I still managed to hold on because I was her patient and was thinking she would continue to be my CPN so I was just waiting for her to come back. The rest of the team could have just not bothered supporting me but let me wait for my CPN and that would have been ok with me. I have no emotional support now because I'm less likely to phone Duty after my not so good experience yesterday. A CPN I saw a while ago said to my then psychologist that the CMHT often removed support from me when I needed them the most. I wish the team would realise this is true in this moment. I can't just survive, I need someone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I went out walking in my PJs last night. Extreme weathers like really cold or really wet or really hot etc can some times end up with me wandering in the early hours of the morning. The men wake me up and tell me the opening to the other world can be found because it's the right weather. I knew things would get worse. I can't phone Duty because they can't do anything and they'll play things down as usual. This would be a time where I would phone my own CPN. I don't know if I'm supposed to tell someone when things like this happen. If I still had my CPN I'd be getting regular appointments with her so I could tell her then. I can't explain to Duty what my CPN did that was helpful so they could maybe do some of it. She just always knew the right thing to do and the right thing to say. I still need her.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
They might be wondering why I'm telling them that since there's nothing they can do. I requested my GP to write a letter about the discharge thing in general and now I'm regretting it. There really is no reason for me to have 'a' CPN it's my own CPN I need and I don't know when she'll be back.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The surgery phoned and said a doctor will write a referral letter to them. I wish I had gotten to speak to them because I just want to wait for my old CPN, not be picked up by one of the other CPNs who cover my area because they are the stand in CPN and one who I've spoken to on Duty who wasn't helpful. That's if they allow me to be re-referred in the first place. I didn't give the GP lots of info about what's going on, maybe I should have so she could back up the referral. I'm always doing stupid things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Now my support worker is pushing me to do more. She wants to refer me to world of work to see where I can go from here (volunteering, courses, etc) she thinks I'm doing well with her organisation because I've been going a walk with her once a week. No one sees what I'm like at home and when I tell them they don't understand how much I'm struggling. I phoned Duty today about the wandering but the stand in CPN answered and I can't talk to her since she discharged me. The referral my GP writes will be put at the back of the pile and they'll get on to me for asking to be referred again. My own personal worst nightmares are losing support and being pushed into something additional where I can't cope with it on top of everything I'm trying to manage right now. I don't understand why no one understands me except for my previous CPN.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I know the way for the entrance to the other world to be illuminated and accessed. It will cause an accident in this world but the men say this is the right thing to do and if they wake me up tonight because of bad weather I should go ahead with it. It would be scary though. And I don't know what the other world is like. I don't think I want to be trapped there. I just need to talk face to face with the men to see what needs to be done. But maybe it's a better place than here, maybe I'll get to stay there.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm ok. The weather wasn't extreme enough last night and the men didn't wake me up. Just waiting till they decide it's the prefect time. I don't know if I'm supposed to let someone know about this. This would be a time where I would call my CPN. Nothing is clear about reaching out when I don't have her support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think you need to let someone know. If you say you're having thoughts of causing an accident (especially if it could hurt other people too) then, yes, it is very important that you tell someone.
I got a letter today with an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 15th, so I hope I can get things across to her. I don't think I can tell anyone else. The accident wouldn't hurt anyone else but they might be distressed about it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Do you think you'll be able to stay safe until the psychiatrist appointment? If not, I think it would be worth trying to tell duty about this accident that you're having thoughts about.
I agree with Jenna. I think if there's any question of being able to stay safe, it could be important to reach out sooner. You deserve help AND you have to remember that even if others won't be physically harmed, it sounds like they may be psychologically harmed? so if there's any chance that the 15th is too far out, please consider reaching out sooner.
Last edited by Greyscale : 04-02-2021 at 01:36 PM.
Reason: Typo
Thank you both. I'm not sure how safe I am, it depends on the men. I'm really scared about phoning Duty because I haven't had good responses in the past and what can they even do about something that will happen in the early hours of the morning? I don't want to cause people to be distressed in any way, I avoid it as much as I can. I'm not sure if I can avoid it this time. Everything is just getting worse. Including my low mood and suicidal feelings. It's hard to fight.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I wish I had better words or advice but I'm in the US and not super familiar with options, but I can see you're trying and I'm sorry things are so hard. I know that doesn't mean much but I do care. I hope maybe someone else has something more useful eventually.
