Not sure if I'm actually trying to get better

[Kallio]

I have issues with food, namely that I use starvation as a way of self-harm. I had to ask for help in the end because it was getting so bad I couldn't function anymore and I knew that i needed help. So now people make sure that I eat and I hate it but I know that it's necessary.
What worries me is that I'm not 100% sure if I'm actually trying to get better. Basically I eat the minimum of what I'm expected to, the smallest amount that I can get away with. I know this won't work long term. I'm still restricting myself, still punishing myself. But I feel like I can't change it, that I need to maintain this tiny bit of control
To put it simple, I don't know how to actually get better. The idea of enjoying food again, of allowing myself to simply eat without anyone prompting me to, just feels wrong. In the end there's always this voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve to eat.

[Pi.R^2]

Hi there, welcome to RYL, sorry that you're struggling with food.

Are you being offered any psychological help alongside being supported with actually eating? It must be really hard having an increased food intake that you're struggling with and not getting any support with the actual underlying desire to hurt yourself; I can see why that's triggered a desire to have some control.

Do you know why it feels as though you don't deserve to eat?