Back again…

[goldilocks]

Sorry, never good at the talking/typing thing, more of a lurker in the past, but found this place again after a long time away. I think I had really thought I was better and ‘grown up’, so feeling fairly deflated and pathetic about being back in old patterns. I think it was easier to explain and more acceptable as a teen/younger adult with all the drama that comes with being that age, but now well and truly middle aged with responsibilities, and feeling guilty, alone and like I should know better. Just reading the posts in this forum has helped, can see I’m not the only one back again. Suppose I should be grateful for being well for so long, trying to remain positive that it’s possible and not f-up big time and make a mess of myself before then.

Guess I just needed to type that ‘out loud’. Sorry for rambling.

[Pi.R^2]

Hey, welcome back and sorry for the slow reply; it's quiet here these days!

You're right that being well for so long is great, though you only need to be grateful to yourself as it'll be your hard work that got you there.

I hope that this can just be a little blip and not a big old spiral. Do you want to talk about what's causing things to go a bit wonky? It's not pathetic at all to be struggling, these things can creep up on us at any point and being older doesn't make us immune.

[goldilocks]

Thanks for the reply.

Guess I’m just frustrated and disappointed at the lack of progress I’ve made to have circled back here again. It’s obviously a dark chapter of my past that I didn’t want to open up again, especially as I don’t feel like that person anymore, but maybe I’m just kidding myself.

I have managed to access counselling and I’m trying talking with a professional for the first time ever, but depressive/negative thoughts and thinking patterns are proving a bit difficult to break. Talking isn’t easy, understanding how I’m feeling and explaining it is hard for me, but at least I’m glad I’m at least trying it. Not ready to give up yet.

[Auror.]

it does sound like you are trying really hard to make things be different, and that in itself sounds like a big change from how you are describing things being before. so yes, you've come back to certain things, but you're also working hard to doing things different. which is definitely worth noticing and being proud of.

[goldilocks]

Thanks for the kind words. Just an update: I am doing better. Turns out talking can help (who knew!) even if I’m not very good at putting it all into words. Seeing my self-harm as a symptom of my depression, and recognising that it’s not just me being a complete nut-job, has helped me be more accepting of it and forgiving to myself.

As the depression is lifting I’m feeling like I can think a bit clearer, like my thoughts are pinging around again rather than being all over the place like a tangled ball of wool. I’ve noticed I can concentrate again, and stuff doesn’t feel as impossible or like the world is against me. So I’m going to keep getting some fresh air, talking to sensible people, growing stuff in the garden, and moving my body, until my brain can’t help but feel better.

Hope everyone can find their thing to help, and most of all be kind to themselves.

[Auror.]

glad to hear things have improved for you!