Update on Steel Maiden - Page 180

Steel Maiden · 29-03-2012, 06:19 PM

Thanks Duck. That was a very helpful post. I was going to go for a run but my knee was having a bad day - I have patellar tendonitis which means on some days I have to go to the gym instead of running and go on the rowing machine. I will try running this weekend or tomorrow.

I think I am tired because I'm fed up of being ill. It takes so much energy out of me. And the meds (Olanzapine, and perhaps Aripiprazole as I actually get tired from that too) are not helping the tiredness.

I will try hard to not focus on the flashbacks. They are hard to deal with indeed. My last one was especially traumatic, in fact I am annoyed I didn't make that formal complaint (the police were really rough and one of them said/shouted "if you hit us, we'll hit you back" - I took that literally and was petrified that they would hit me with a baton, which made me more agitated).

Thank you for your kind words. I hope one day I will recover.

Ellyx · 29-03-2012, 09:53 PM

Gym deffinetly helps, i got alot and like duck said when i can't run i always go for a nice long walk.

I do know how you feel, i spend alot of time wishing i was my former self where i was not ill, i often wish i could go back and change everything in the hope i could avoid the illness. I get severe tiredness off olanzapine though i combat it by drinking numerous energy drinks or taking pro plus (though i would not recommend this at all)

I know exactly how you feel about the flash backs, i have alot of them especially about the time i got pepper sprayed. I would say you should of complained, but i did that myself and my complaint went nowhere (even though a main part of it was due to me being taken to a police cell not the 136 suite)

And one day you will recover. You never know whats around the corner, but even though you may still stuggle at times things will seem better with time. You are still young yet
xxx

Steel Maiden · 29-03-2012, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockerchickelle

Gym deffinetly helps, i got alot and like duck said when i can't run i always go for a nice long walk.

I do know how you feel, i spend alot of time wishing i was my former self where i was not ill, i often wish i could go back and change everything in the hope i could avoid the illness. I get severe tiredness off olanzapine though i combat it by drinking numerous energy drinks or taking pro plus (though i would not recommend this at all)

I know exactly how you feel about the flash backs, i have alot of them especially about the time i got pepper sprayed. I would say you should of complained, but i did that myself and my complaint went nowhere (even though a main part of it was due to me being taken to a police cell not the 136 suite)

And one day you will recover. You never know whats around the corner, but even though you may still stuggle at times things will seem better with time. You are still young yet
xxx

Yes, gym is good. I am planning to go tomorrow. I will keep doing my knee exercises so I can run.

It is not a nice feeling, knowing that your life could have turned out better if you hadn't got ill.

I am sorry to hear that you feel so tired on Olanzapine. As of tonight I have started taking mine at 22:00 so that I can stay up late more often (I love staying up late).

You were pepper sprayed? That is awful, and it is awful that your complaint went nowhere. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through that.

I should have complained. I had four police officers (all male) carrying me by my limbs (while I was completely freaking out) into the police van, and my top kept going up (because the police officers at the back were taller than the ones at the front) so half my back was showing. I am very sensitive about showing skin to men because I've been sexually abused before.

I am angry that they took you to a police cell. The Mental Health Act guidelines say that a police cell should only be the very last resort, and that all efforts should be made to place the person being sectioned in a 136 suite.

I actually did a Freedom Of Information Act request on section 136 procedures a while ago so I have a load of information about them if you want me to send them to you.

Thank you for the kind words. I am feeling quite a bit better now because C (my best friend) came around and he got me a book on foundation amateur radio (I intend to get a license this summer so I need to do some reading up on it before I do the practical course). We also had a laugh about me one day getting a morse code machine in my room in supported housing, and then watched The Big Bang Theory (the geeky humour is great lol). So all was good and I am staying up tonight as late as possible so I can read (I absorb things better at night).

I hope you're ok.

Steel Maiden · 02-04-2012, 06:13 PM

I have somewhat given up on certain aspects of my life because I haven't got the energy to fulfill them.

Steel Maiden · 03-04-2012, 02:58 PM

Sorry to keep posting but I've decided to ask about applying to move into regular council housing. I am sick of supported housing and I don't need 14 hours a week of "support" aka w*nker carer talking sh*t to me every day. I'm also fed up with living with other people.

Bellatrix · 03-04-2012, 03:14 PM

Do you think you'd be able to manage living alone with no regular support in-house?

If so, that's great. If you think you'd still struggle, maybe you can come up with a plan with your support worker/autism worker to get some regular input to make sure all would be well if you lived alone.

Good luck love, and let me know if you need anything! I'm only down the road (so to speak).

Steel Maiden · 03-04-2012, 04:33 PM

Thanks Jodie.

I talked to my dad and my friend C and we decided that I am not ready to move out as I am not doing brilliantly mental health-wise, and I still cant answer the front door or use the telephone.

My social worker called me back and we agreed I stay until I can move in with C.

Ellyx · 03-04-2012, 05:43 PM

Hey, i know exactly how difficult supported housing can be, as im struggling myself with it. I did find out however there is something similar, (not sure what it's called) where you get your own flat, but there are carers about aswell, this is what i'm thinking of.

Im no good with telephone either, i completly reply on text and e-mail, though i can now speak too people i know on the phone. What i did was ask a couple of friends if we could arrange a time i phone them everyday and got used to it like that. I am hoping one day i will be able to phone anyone i want, and i've not entirly ruled it out :)

Steel Maiden · 05-04-2012, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweetieitsanaddiction

Hey, i know exactly how difficult supported housing can be, as im struggling myself with it. I did find out however there is something similar, (not sure what it's called) where you get your own flat, but there are carers about aswell, this is what i'm thinking of.

Im no good with telephone either, i completly reply on text and e-mail, though i can now speak too people i know on the phone. What i did was ask a couple of friends if we could arrange a time i phone them everyday and got used to it like that. I am hoping one day i will be able to phone anyone i want, and i've not entirly ruled it out :)

Hi. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling too. I don't think that noisy/messy/etc supported housing is suitable for people on the autism spectrum.

Unfortunately the type of supported housing in Merton (the borough I live in) is strange in that privately owned houses are bought by the carers, and the government pays for people to live in them together.

Telephones are very hard to use. I am like you, text and email is good but phone calls are very limited for me. I worry that when I am older, if I get a job, I will be expected to use a phone, and when I pull the cord out so that nobody can call me, I would be fired :/. I hope that one day you will be about to phone anyone you want. I am not confident I will be able to do that.

My OCD has gone out of control again. I keep compulsively cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom, and I've used so many Dettol wipes for cleaning my bedroom. Now I look at the carpet in my room and I feel like bleaching it because it is not the colour it is supposed to be :/ (the carer keeps delaying the cleaning of the carpet). I also saw a massive spider in the the kitchen today. I'm not scared of insects at all, I just freaked out a bit as it made me think "this kitchen is so unhygienic"...there was a rat in the kitchen only a couple of months ago.

Steel Maiden · 05-04-2012, 05:12 PM

Oh and I also ran out of 5mg/15mg olanzapine and only have 20mg olanzapine left so I had to miss my morning olanzapine dose today. It's messing me up, the missed dose. I keep seeing things (more than normal), I am in a foul mood, the voices are reinforcing it, and I cannot concentrate on anything. Never knew the change could be so dramatic.

Steel Maiden · 07-04-2012, 08:50 PM

Sorry to keep posting but it's got to the point where I have to pretend I'm asleep when the carer visits because I cannot bear him anymore. I don't want to see his trousers falling halfway down his arse again (yes he repeatedly lets his trousers fall down so I can see half his arse and he doesn't pull them up even if I tell him - he just ignores me). I don't want to listen to the total BS that he spurts out of his mouth. I don't want to listen to his criticisms. He made me have flashbacks this morning. I can't cope with him so I refuse to communicate with him.

Steel Maiden · 07-04-2012, 09:47 PM

I am so stressed out that I have gone non-verbal. I cannot speak, my brain won't let me.

Duck · 08-04-2012, 12:48 AM

Do you have an advocate? Maybe you could talk to the advocate about the carer?

Ellyx · 08-04-2012, 12:56 AM

You need to get this sorted, it cannot go on like that. Complain about him he sounds like a complete w***er

Steel Maiden · 08-04-2012, 08:00 AM

Thanks Duck and Ella. I texted my advocate last night and she said that I need to tell my social worker asap. Obviously tomorrow is a bank holiday, so I'll be calling her on Tuesday. I have my speech back now, and I am really hoping that the carer won't visit tonight (he thankfully didn't visit last night).

I also told my advocate about the bad situation I am in about complaining: last time I complained, the carers treated me so badly that I went into hysterics at them. I had to "win back" their nice-ness by doing everything they said and pretending to be happy. My advocate said that I have to tell my social worker about that emotional blackmail they put me through and how it's preventing me from complaining.

To be honest I want to move out. I don't even like the two other people living here anyway. I could apply for a council flat but apparently the carers said they won't let me move out :/

crazykat · 08-04-2012, 09:01 AM

I know it's scary but I still think it is important to complain. Best of luck with it

Steel Maiden · 08-04-2012, 01:34 PM

Thanks Kat.

I have decided to type a letter to my social worker, print it out and give it to her on Thursday.

Thankfully the carer didn't come last night, and I doubt he will come tonight.

Today is depressing.

Ellyx · 08-04-2012, 08:26 PM

I hate him already, our carer here would never do that and he needs to be sacked asap.

I get on very well with two of my housemates though the thrid one i don't. Im usually just polite and try and make conversation where required (i am very good at small talk, as i spent long time learning and i used to practice on myself in the mirror. I have a long list of topics i memorise which helps alot)

Gofeen · 09-04-2012, 12:20 AM

Can the carer really stop you moving out Oly? Is a shared flat a possibility? One that's not actually supported housing but with flat mates who understand? I don't really know 'cos I moved straight from living at home to living alone but I was much older than you. Feel i missed out on a lot by leaving it so long. Even though you are in supported housing you are a step ahead of me when I was your age. I think you do great.

Steel Maiden · 09-04-2012, 05:12 AM

Thanks Gofeen.

The carer can give a poor report on me, which will result in me getting the worst council flat possible. I know him, he would make up stories about me in the report, which would make the council give me a really rubbish place.

I'm afraid I cannot move into a shared flat because I would go mad at the other people there. I'm hoping to move in with my friend one day; he has Asperger's and is very quiet. We are the strongest friends we've ever had.

Thank you for the kind words. You're right, I am doing well.

The carer thankfully didn't come last night. Sometimes I wonder if he visits somewhat drunk. Tonight I will be doing my usual practise of switching all the lights off in my room except my lamp and not making noise to make the carer think I'm sleeping (obviously I'll lock my door).