I question my existance sometimes.

Arohnr · 27-10-2007, 05:48 AM

Two weeks after starting to use drugs again I feel alot better, and alot of the same as I did two weeks ago. My chest hurts but its not related to anything, I think its a pulled muscle in my arm but it still freaks me out. I just want to be left alone to do my drugs and zone out. The world is ****ed. Can't anyone else see that? I was supposed to have an appointment with a new psych today but they called to cancel because the guy was sick. So I'm on hold til Monday. I seriously need something for my increasing anxiety. If I don't calm the **** down I'm afraid I'll have a heart attack. I'm afraid sometimes that expressing my fears in words will make them come true. But that's probably my paranoia and anxiety. These were both increasing before I started using again though. I just question the validity of the universe sometimes. What the **** are we? Why do we exist? What keeps us running for so long to only come to a sick and torturous end? Where does our soul go, and why would it continue to live on with a dead body? Are we all some giant science experiment? I've been tripping too much for such thoughts to enter my head. But its food for thought, and at the same time drives me insane.

I'm still afraid to sleep. Picked up my check today only to be told it wasn't my money and I got $40 out of my $351 ****ing paycheck. Thanks alot mom. She still pisses me off more than anything. I work at 7:30am....and its around midnight now. I don't want to sleep. I wish I could go without sleep but my body refuses and shuts down. Why the **** am I like this. My chest continues to hurt. I want to have self control and not eat so I can lose weight because my ass gives me away as trans. I'm paranoid that someone at work will read me and get my ass beat up for being a ****ing queer. Its not my fault. Its the universe. Or my mother's ****ed womb actually. /end rant

I just need to chill the **** out and quit worrying about things. I'm gonna go insane or have a heart attack. Monday needs to get here and I need some ****ing help.

Arohnr · 27-10-2007, 05:58 AM

Honestly, why can't the universe leave me the **** alone to chill and be myself without people bothering me. WHY. I'm a queer ****ing tranny fag. So what. Its my choice, not theirs. Why then do they make such a big ****ing deal. I don't know if I should get high before work or during work or after work...why can't I not get dizzy on the only drug I can get right now and just ****ing enjoy it like normal people. WHY DAMNIT.

Feel_Good_inc. · 27-10-2007, 04:47 PM

it doesn't sound like things improve for you while you're on the drugs. get back off them and just deal with it. yes the world is ugly and yes life is hard but it's not going to gtet better by just sitting trying to escape reality while you slowly cook your braincells.
use your head. if you want things to change then change it.

Arohnr · 27-10-2007, 06:53 PM

Today I feel great....I've been on dxm almost everyday for the past two weeks and it has sort of an antidepressant effect. Meh, I don't know.

Feel_Good_inc. · 28-10-2007, 01:00 AM

you just have to stick it out. don't escape reality, face it. And change it into what you want it to be.