Has anyone ever been "The Other Woman?" I'm pretty much dating a married man...and part of me feels terrible about it, and part of me is indifferent. I've never met his wife, and their marriage is pretty much awful. She's critical of him, they don't have sex, and they sleep in separate bedrooms for Christ's sake. They've only been married for 5 years, and he readily admits they are unhappy. I asked if they've ever tried couples counseling, and of course they haven't. Every time they try and talk about things they just end up arguing and she cuts him down (she's a lawyer which doesn't help...)
He's lonely. I know what he's getting from me: companionship and the physical aspect of a relationship. (We've slept together 3 times.) I'm infatuated with him and have told him this. I've never felt this comfortable around anyone in probably 3 years...But he worries that I'm relying too much on him for my sense of happiness. I get that...
I don't expect him to leave her for me, but I honestly think they should just get a divorce; they're essentially roommates, not even lovers. He's cheated once before...I know I need to have a conversation with him, but I don't know how to bring it up. We did after we kissed the first time and decided to keep things platonic...*that* really worked.
I just don't know what to do. I guess we could just be friends, but the physical attraction makes it really difficult. I would be with him in a heartbeat, but I don't want to be the cause of their breakup either.
Am I a terrible human? I feel like one. NEVER in a million years would I have expected to be in this scenario...
Firstly you arent a terrible human being. This kinda things happens a lot. Attraction is attraction regardless.
Some will say to stay well clear and that you're wrecking a marriage already on the rocks but I don't think it's as simple as that.
If he's truly unhappy then fair enough but if he's just after som extra curricular then shame on him.
saying you'd never expect him to leave her may be easy to say now but I guarantee the longer this goes on the more you will want it.
Personally I don't think there is a right or wrong with things like this as they are never black and white. My advice would be to have fun but always try to be mindful of where you are in this relationship. Falling hard at the early stage can be hard for both and even more so when someone is practically unavailable.
It is important you talk and if he refuses then maybe he just wants the sex? It happens (a lot).
If you can talk and things go well then see what happens.
Not great advice but don't beat yourself up over it.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
the only things i have to say on the matter is yes, i have been in this situation. it almost destroyed me mentally. like epic, i'd give myself the advice to walk away and detach myself from the man as quickly as possible. i know right now it doesn't feel that easy to you to be able to do that because you are attracted to him which is only human. but believe me. the only way things like these end is messy.
I have been, on several occations. For me, it never bothered me much ad i was simply in it for the sex and them being married made it less likely to want a relationship with me.
How i think about it is, you are not a bad person. You never made any promises or commitment to his wife. That was him. And you cannot seduce a person who doesnt want to be seduced. So if anyone is a "bad person" it would be him.
Be careful and look after yourself. Put yourself first. If it starts to hurt you, go. If its okay then have fun but i would recommend not getting too attached cause a lot of men do promise a future, to leave their wives etc. When really, its just a way to keep you as well as their wife.
Den fuldkomne kærlighed,
Kan ikke eksistere blandt ufuldkomne
I was the other woman a few times and on the whole it was easy just to use it for my own needs. Until I found someone I wanted. When he wouldn't leave his wife I realised I couldn't do it anymore.
Keep yr eyes open, yr heart closed and know when to walk away. If you aren't getting what you need out of it, its time to leave.
You're not a terrible human, you're just human :)
Hugs
Just because I've aged
It doesn't mean I've grown up!!
And don't you try to stop me, it's a place you'll never know
Don't try to judge or take shots at me, I'll never let you seize control
Thanks for the replies; sorry I haven't been on in awhile.....I can't get into a ton of detail right now because I am tired (it's after 3 AM here, and I've been awake since 7 AM yesterday) and probably won't make sense.
I feel like it's getting complicated, or maybe I'm just over analyzing again...I did tell him he has to figure out what he wants from me and his marriage, and after a few days, his only conclusion was that he didn't have one...
Given that he is unsure about what he wants to do, having given it thought for a few days, that is a pretty good indicator that he either is not that into you, or is still more into his marriage than he is letting on.
X
Well that's f*cking depressing.
I also asked him if he only cared about the physical aspect of things, and his reply was that, while he enjoys it, our relationship is more valuable...
So, he was distant last week. We hung out a few days ago, and I asked he was mad at me...He wasn't, of course, and it turns out he just needed some alone time, but instead of *telling me* like a normal human, he basically ignored me. Then I got paranoid thinking I did something wrong, it made me feel bad, etc. He said he tries to keep busy and feels like I want to hang out more than he can...which I suppose is true, but put it into perspective: I'm currently unemployed, so I spend A LOT of time alone at home due to lack of spending money. I like spending time with him, big f*cking deal. I also said that it seems like we only hang out in like, 2 hour increments b/c he always has to go back home, and it seems brief...
I'm not necessarily "mad" at him because I totally understand the need for space and time alone; hell, I've told that to friends and people I'm dating. I just have hurt feelings and wish he would have been honest with me instead of ignoring me and making me fret for a damn week. It made me feel needy and too sensitive, and now I just feel embarrassed.
I basically told him in a text message: "F*ck it. Get ahold of me when you're done being alone." And left it at that and haven't contacted him.
*sigh*
This is so dumb. I hate myself. I wish I could meet someone that wasn't attached, but that's all I seem to attract...(That's a whole other thread in itself......)
We did talk about stuff, have been keeping it platonic since the conversation...He was basically freaked out at how quickly our situation turned into an actual relationship, and he can't even handle his own marriage, the sneaking around, etc, hence the remaining just friends. There's more to it, but that's the general idea. Quick question though: He made a comment about how I would be a "great girlfriend," and that if/when I started to date someone, he would be a d*ck towards them. His words exactly: "It wouldn't be out of jealousy, just the fact that he wouldn't be good enough for you." I've talked to 2 male friends about that statement, and they figured it's a crappy one because it implies that no one is good enough for me but him and that I'll never find anyone "good enough." Thoughts?
So, this past Sunday, he played at an open mic as usual, and he tends to get super drunk each week. Well, I had been drinking at a different bar, and we started texting...I of course wanted to have another discussion because I thought about some things after our previous one. I know I shouldn't have attempted it that way or at that time, but I did. In a nutshell, he said some really crappy things to me. He accused me of being dramatic and said we shouldn't be together, yet he really likes me and likes spending time with me.....Jesus, he even gave me a ride back and forth to a job interview last week. Mixed signals all the time. He then proceeded to ignore me because he doesn't like talking about difficult things...
THEN, this is the kicker. I didn't contact him since Sunday; I figured I'd put the ball in his court and let him contact me. Well, around 2:15 Friday morning which is right after bar time here, I get a garbled text from him asking for help. He was absolutely wasted, only kind of knew where he was, and didn't think he could walk home. He happened to be near my place and asked to come over. Of course I was worried b/c it is below freezing at night now, and I didn't want him to get mugged or hurt, etc, so I said sure. He ended up puking multiple times on his way here, could hardly stand, and I had to help him into my place. He took a shower (how he didn't fall over is beyond me), and I let him pass out in my bed and I slept on the couch. (I tried sleeping in my bed, but he snored too much...)
I feel like part of me shouldn't have let him stay over, but there is no way he could have walked home in that condition. So of course, his wife was pissed today, and he came clean - only about last night though. She knows we're "friends," but basically said if he drinks or smokes weed before Thanksgiving, they're done.
He's a goddamn train wreck. I mean, is he using me? My friend thinks he is...He didn't know who else to call, and nothing remotely sexual even happened.
I don't know. I don't know if I should just cut him off; it's difficult because when it's good, it's great, but when it's bad, it's awful. I feel terrible every time he has to leave when we're hanging out, because I like being around him and know nothing will probably come of it...I honestly don't think he'll be able to hold off drinking or smoking until Thanksgiving.
Blah. I hate that I only attract people in relationships/men that are married. It boggles my mind. Sorry this is so long, but thanks for reading...
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
You've only heard his side of the story. Yes, I've been in this situation: as the other other woman - the one he's married to. You sure he's telling you the truth? Because it's funny how people manage to twist the truth a lot when they suddenly want two relationships at once.
Sorry, I haven't been on here in ages. Well, some good news and some bad news.
I think this is good? After my last post, we decided to take a break from hanging out, keep things platonic, and "check in" to see how the other was doing every few days. (We were both going through sh*t.) New Years Eve, I went to my friend's house and texted him to see if he could pick me up and give me a ride home after he was done with work...He did. I was trashed, and so of course we got into an argument. (We both said crummy things, I don't even recall all of it.) I apologized the next day, felt bad, etc. Suggested we don't talk for awhile. I basically haven't spoken to him since then and deleted all of his text messages. Ironically, I saw him at a bar last weekend, but he was w/his wife and other people, so neither of us said anything. I explained why I was uncomfortable via text (I knew no one in the group and would have felt super awkward going up to him, plus his wife...), and he didn't reply. Later that night I just said, "Okay, alright then. See you around." So, we haven't been talking. A tiny part of me misses him - not the intimate stuff - but most of me is better off, I think.
HOWEVER. Jesus f*ck. I have a theory as to why married guys like me or I crush on them/unavailable types, but I don't know if you guys want to read it all. Like I said, none of this stuff with the above guy was my idea, and it's not like I run around pursuing married men. Usually if I am attracted to them, I just admire from afar, maintain a platonic friendship, accept nothing with come of it, and everything is fine.
Well m glad it's worked out. Sounds the right thing to do.
if you want to share your theory that's fine.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
