F*cking losing control - Page 13

Cacoethes · 06-05-2023, 08:50 AM

It's not as bad as it was. But am still wary.
Which makes it even more important that i don't go back to an nhs hospital.

I will.
O is sending an email to the ward. He asked if i wanted something from section 117 aftercare, which i can get because I'm on a S3. Idk if i can get a dietician with that but i asked O and he's gonna put it in the email.

Yeah. Food is kind of important i suppose!

Elmer · 06-05-2023, 10:57 AM

I'm glad that O is helping advocate for you, and I hope that they can offer you at least some support through the section 117 aftercare - would they maybe be able to fund a support worker or something if a dietitian isn't an option? Just to maybe check in regularly - I know you're not the biggest fan of your CPN and I know the CMHT have been historically useless with your ED.

Cacoethes · 06-05-2023, 11:13 AM

I can ask.
I'll write it down because my memory is horrendous!

Once i get discharged, it'll probably be back to 'eating issues' rather than ED

They still haven't managed to find a new consultant at the cmht. There are 2 specialty doctors, but I'm not sure what that means. I guess speciality in psychiatry.
I just get bad vibes from my cpn. But he will probably be gone soon. They don't stay long. Hopefully the next one will be better.

Elmer · 06-05-2023, 01:45 PM

Hope you've written it down! Would it help to ask O to help you remember?

I'm sorry your community team is such a shambles, I hope that you get some stability with it soon.

Cacoethes · 06-05-2023, 02:01 PM

I have a notes app on my phone. Have stuck it in there!

Thanks. I think that's unlikely but fingers crossed!

Cacoethes · 12-05-2023, 08:44 PM

Evening!

Posting here because a) i didn't wanna make another thread and b) more traffic here than ED support

But there is ED content. Sooo. Be careful.

Anyway. Since I've been home I've been eating more. Mainly because jenna hassles me literally every mealtime XD (very grateful for that really! Even though it's a thing i should be able to manage as a grown adult, alas, i cannot)
As a result, i have gained weight.
The dietician said this would happen but it would mostly be water and not actual weight. This does not help. Because I've been eating more than i was.
I've gone back to being obsessed with a certain app for adding food and exercise (trust me, I've tried deleting it many times, it always ends up back there)
Got a new smartwatch i can't afford because of more features to do with exercise.
Checking the gym app for more classes to book onto.
It's getting out of control rather quickly and idk what to do or who to contact.
I don't trust my cpn at all. He hasn't been helpful with anything so far. He said he was surprised i was in hospital when i literally told him i wanted to remove my eye because of a chip that was put in there, then refused to see him for weeks because i thought the nhs had been infiltrated by a higher power. Yeah, shocking that i got put in hospital...
The dietician is going to speak to my GP about the ED team referral. She's going to be calling on Thursday or Friday with an update. But then won't be involved anymore.

TL:DR: ED is spiralling out of control again and idk what to do or who to contact

Elmer · 13-05-2023, 12:57 PM

That sounds really really tough. You've said that BEAT don't have much in your area but they do have a helpline and online support - how would you feel about contacting them?

I'm glad the dietitian is on the ball and doing what she can, but you deserve more support with this. Is there any way your GP can monitor you as a stop gap? I really hope they can talk some sense into the ED team.

The thing with ED recovery is that it's never going to feel right at first. You're literally going against yourself and eating/resting/not counting calories (etc) when it feels like everything inside you is screaming at you to stop. It's terrifying and exhausting and so completely worth it in the end. I hope that someone qualified can step in soon to support you because you deserve better.

Cacoethes · 13-05-2023, 01:34 PM

Thank you Lio <3

I forgot about the helpline and online support. I am desperate enough to contact anyone at this point!

I can ask. I was told by the dietician to try and get refeeding bloods done.
Though I've been home for over a week and not died so I'm assuming everything is fine.
The GP that referred me tried nudging them a few times, to no avail.
I'm still salty that they discharged me because i wasn't stable enough for the therapy i wasn't getting, and probably wasn't going to get for a long time

Although it is amusing that it only happened because the consultant tried to get them to see me sooner...
I don't think i can deal with starting the whole thing again.
And i may not even be put on the list again. The psychologist said at the assessment that rhey weren't even referring people for 1:1 therapy.
So if they assess me again and find out my weight, then they'll probably not refer me again.
The other options were self help or group therapy. Or a local charity, who are not taking new people and haven't been since i was assessed.

That's exactly it.
I'm not hopeful for any professional help anytime soon.
Not until I'm actually dying. Even then, not guaranteed.

Cacoethes · 13-05-2023, 02:27 PM

Ok so the local (i say local, it's in the same town as the hospitals, but at least in my county) are apparently accepting referrals now. So done that.
Idk what they actually really do. But we'll see.
They'll either refuse me on the basis of weight or schizoaffective disorder.

Elmer · 13-05-2023, 06:01 PM

I hope the local charity(?) help you - would your GP be able to support your referral somehow?

The way things are is scary and unfair and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this, but can I say how brilliant I think it is that you're reaching to get the help that you need and deserve? I know it's not much but I hope there is at least a small part of you that's proud.

Cacoethes · 13-05-2023, 06:23 PM

I think it is a charity.
They ask for GP details, so i guess they'd contact them?
Ticked all the info sharing boxes, gp, cmht, ed team.
There's a bit where you can write about how the ED affects you and stuff and i basically wrote an essay! But have probably still forgotten to mention loads.

Thank you so much. <3
Recovery part is proud, but that is rather a small part atm.

Auror. · 13-05-2023, 07:13 PM

the really shitty and unfortunate thing about eds is that when your brain is malnourished, it doesn't function properly. so you can't actually tell in the moment how bad things are. it takes time of fueling your brain properly to really be able to then look back and see it. it's a really awful catch 22 to be in, and a really difficult place to get out of with no support. really proud of you for trying as hard as you are and hope you can get much needed support soon.

re refeeding bloods, there are some vitamins and stuff that are generally recommended to take during the process but honestly don't remember what they are. so hopefully gp can be of use there like was suggested or could be worth asking dietician human about too.

Cacoethes · 13-05-2023, 07:17 PM

Thank you camden, that means a lot
Makes sense about a malnourished brain not being able to function properly

The dietician said she was gonna get the drs to put me on them (i know thiamine was one) but the drs on the ward were beyond incompetent, so it never happened.
I will make some notes for the dietician. Because my brain is ridiculous.