Getting off the ward hasn't gone well. They've put up brightly coloured signs telling staff to be extra careful because there's a high awol risk. I've been pacing and darting for the door at every opportunity but they are all heeding the signs. I am exhausted.
Your plan isn't meant to be. You need a plan to help you get better not make things worse for you. Don't exhaust yourself any more, try and do something calming and/or talk to the staff.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I didn't try to leave the ward at all this afternoon so they have taken the signs down. I want to leave now but it's too late in the day. The Group really weren't pleased with my failure but I honestly did try my best. I want to try again tomorrow but I'm so tired right now.
I tried to talk to a nurse who has been friendly but she has been busy. She gave me PRN and said we would talk later. It's now too late for My Plan so my brain is going into overdrive thinking about trying again tomorrow. One of the nurses persuaded me to play table tennis which tired me out. I am so rubbish at it!
I am so rubbish at table tennis too, what would happen if we had a match! I hope you get to talk to the nurse, keep trying. Are there other nurses you could talk to? It's hard if there's only one person you feel comfortable talking to. Please keep fighting back, I don't know the ins and outs of your plan but I think you should fight not to do it rather than back down.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The note just says what my plan is and what that does to my head during the day. I don't know if they'll even read it.
I don't know why but they weren't 100% trustful of me with my razor earlier, they did a body check part way through my shower. I suppose they're not to know I don't SH anymore.
I'd hope they would read it as it's important. Can you ask if anyone has read it? Take a copy for the doctor when you see them too. Do you know when your ward round is? It must be hard holding back but you're doing really well. Hopefully with time it will affect your head less and you'll start to recover. You could tell them you don't self harm any more but they might still be a bit wary especially since you're having a hard time. Stay safe. How have you been occupying yourself?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I asked my dad to visit tomorrow morning to help me not to try to leave the ward but now I'm worried that (a) that was selfish and (b) I will try to leave anyway. I'm confused.
I have been up since 6am, very unusual for me. I asked the nurse if I could have scissors to cut holes in my top for my wings but she said no, not to ruin my top. I tried to get out during handover because I thought people would be distracted but it didn't work and an HCA who knows me kept moving me away from the door. Another staff member told me off but in a friendly way, said I need to behave myself. But she doesn't understand how important the flying is.
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My dad came and I had a lovely time, I'm glad I asked him to come.
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My appointment with the psych is tomorrow afternoon, my CPN is going to be there too.
Last edited by tamobhuuta : 26-09-2022 at 12:45 PM.
Reason: Add a bit
Are you tired after your early wake up? Hopefully it won't happen tomorrow morning. It sounds like the staff are looking after you well even through your strong beliefs. Believe me, you will look back on this and be thankful. Things are just difficult for you right now. Why do you think flying is important?
I'm really pleased you had a nice visit from your Dad. It's important to use the support you have and visits are a great way to boost your day.
Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. I hope that both you and the staff can come up with things that will help you and that suits you all.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't understand how it ISN'T important. Sorry, that seems like I'm avoiding answering. But can you understand it just seems obvious to me? Reasoning more than that isn't important.
I don't know if I can help explain, but I've been wondering why flying is so important too.
What I mean when I ask 'why is it important?' is what will it achieve? What is the urgency of flying? Are you wanting to do something important when you can fly? Is it simply to prove you can? If it is just to prove you can, what's the rush? Why do you need to escape from hospital right now this minute in order to fly?
Surely, if you are correct, the ability will not vanish after spending time on a ward. I know they're not very restful or exciting places, but it could be worth using the time you're in there to reset a little bit - maybe you can see if there are changes that can be made with your meds so you're less unsettled for example.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
OK - but I think that you'll go through the rigmarole whenever you attempt, and it's not like it's more convenient at the moment? If you managed to get off the ward, you'd still need to get out of the hospital (assuming the ward doesn't have doors to directly outside, I know some do), and then they'd send the police after you.
Flying *does* sound good and if humans were capable of it without machines it would be great, but we're not. That's just a physiological fact. If someone here were to post that they were off to fly, you'd be a bit worried about them, right?
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
