I have tried anti-d's but the side effects were worse than any help they were giving.
I've had to speak to uni about stuff, more cause of physical issues rather than MH, and they are being arsey about that, so I cant even imagine what they would say about MH. But on the plus side, I said alot more than I ever have to my councellor yesterday. Still don't know how i feel about it, but I did it. so yeah.
**** **** **** ****. Why can't I just die? Fighting this is so bloody hard, and why? Why do we try to fight it? What is the point? As a person Im not happy, so its not like living is fun for me. As a friend, well Im pretty **** at that, so again me being alive doest really benefit there. As a job, who is to say I will be able to turn up every day, and actually focus on whatever my job is? On society as a while, MH is such a drain on it! So why. why should i bother?
It's f***ing hard to fight it every f***ing day. To wake up and make myself get out of breath, to take my next breath, to not cut so much that people notice, or I "accidentally" cut too deep. Why? Why do I even try?
Not really. I struggled at the start of summer and just havent managed to get out of it. Why the hell do people try so hard to get away from mh, and get "better". Nothing can be worth enough to fight this hard for!
I just want to say I can hear you. Depression is so horrible I can't even think of a word nasty enough to explain how horrible it is.
I also want to tell you, I have been there. Felt the knock backs, having zero hope, no self esteem. Spending every minute of every day either wanting to die and hurt myself to constant suicidal thoughts. I never thought I would be where I am today. Currently backpacking through Europe.
I have been stable for a good number of years, minus the odd blip. I have travelled, met wonderful people, seen beautiful things. Worked awesome jobs. Life is worth fighting for, there is so much to see. It is truly beautiful. I know it probably doesn't seem like that right now. But keep going, embrace the positives of your days, no matter how small and fight for recovery. You will get there.
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
This is too hard! What the hell do I have to do to end it all?
What is the point in living this life? Just to get out of bed and keep floating through each day and ultimately achieve nothing.
What do good grades matter?
What does a good job matter?
What does being healthy matter?
What is the point in keeping going?
Why is it always to bloody hard!
Why is it hard to get out of bed?
Why is it hard to get dressed?
Why can I not get help?
Why don't I have the guts to just let it straight out win?
Why can't it all just change.
I hate the way it makes me lie
I hate the way it stops me talking
I hate the way it won't trust anyone
I hate the way it reminds me how s**t I am. Always
I hate the way it makes me second guess
I hate the way it makes me feel everyone and nothing
I hate the way it doesn't let me show I'm struggling
I hate the way its so confident it will win
I hate the way it will just make me one more statistic
I hate the way I no longer see the edge between it and me.
Why am I still fighting this?
Why can't I just be strong enough to lose?
How long will this go on?
Is there a better?
Do you ever actually recover from this ****?
What if theres not actually a diagnosable problem with me?
What if this is not mental health ****?
What if this is just me?
Complex PTSD? Aye ok. Maybe help me try to treat it then?
Why does taking medication have to be the bench mark on how much you want to recover?
Why when friends try to help me, do I push them away?
But why is support something I want?
How can I want none and both? Dialectical. Ok. I see you. But you're ****.
Why can't I talk to the one person I trust, and gets me, and has not forced treatment on me, and is patient, and understand, and wants to help, and want to support, and wants to give me control?
But no, I freeze, I lose all control of my body, and just sit there unable to do what she says. Unable to move, unable to relax, unable to concentrate. I get annoyed at myself and I worry it comes across as being angry at her. I don't want to upset her. She's brilliant. The best psych ever.
But now she's away on training for 2 weeks. And Im scared I can't do this. Im scared I let her down. Im scared I've left it on **** terms and thats her now away for a while.
I wish I could be open with her like I was. But I know now its got to the point she has to tell other people if I were to tell her everything. And the people she has to tell are terrible. They just make me feel worse.
When I do see psychiatrist she's going to use this as another reason I HAVE to go on meds. But thats a whole other conversation.
Why do I have to be so ****!
Psychiatrists are used to the different reactions of people. She'll have seen plenty of people freeze up and she won't think badly of you for it. It would be good if you could tell her everything that's going on, and I do understand how hard that is, but it's important you get the proper help you need.
She knows most of it. I just can't tell her that I have overdosed this last week (she also didn't ask so its not like I lied to her) and I can't tell her I still want to. Cause then she has to tell CMHT or crisis team. And they are genuinely alongside THE worst people I've been seen by. Last time after seeing them I self harmed worse than any other time. So I just don't want to be seen by them.
And my psychologist is amazing. But I only see her cause she's private (NHS is useless!!) so she's not got a team round her to help me. So the next step is to not be seen by her, and see NHS team instead which means not working, and they are the shitty team that don't get it at all.
Crisis is a difficult one. I've had very bad experiences with them, but I've also had very good. You may well end up speaking to someone who will be helpful. The last time I was in contact with them they helped me get through a bad time. There was still the frustration when they suggest distractions, but they did actually help me and made me feel like I wasn't wasting their time.
You may need to be checked over after overdosing, as I'm sure you probably know, so it's important to admit that to your psychiatrist.
I'm glad you have a good psychologist. Keep talking to them.
There are also helplines like the samaratins and I know your are in Scotland , so there is breathing space also. I've never phoned breathing space but their number is usually on the wee card of contact details the cmht gives you. There is also here. Keep posting here and reaching out for the support you need and deserve.
Again. Thank you!!!
My day started off bad. Luckily I was working with the one person who knows about my head and gets it as much as someone who hasn't gone through it could get it. So She said it was ok to come in late. And she pretty much let me do minimal work and just sit in the corner and keep me safe.
Then I built up the courage to call CMHT and just say I'm not ok. She was actually really good. Obviously I wasn't 100% honest with her, but she seemed to get that me taking time off makes me worse. I need routine and busy. But just her asking the correct basic questions and not expecting anything from me helped a little.
Then I'm just back from the gym. Gym endorphins are THE best medication anyone could wish for. So I'm starting to feel a little more in control of me. I'm still not "good" or "ok". But I'm here. I'm aware. And I have physical col of me, mostly. No more tight paralysis. So I'm hoping this being back to work after the holidays and in a routine is going to help (hoping, cause thats all I have that may help)
That sounds positive. I'm glad routine helps you and that you have an understanding work mate.
It's good the cmht were helpful, so now you know that phoning them is always an option.
Well done on going to the gym. That can be hard to do when feeling so low, but it has obviously done you good.
I'm not feeling great atm but please know that I read your post and know how you feel. I hope you can get some support and start to feel better soon. Take care *hugs*
"just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it turned into a beautiful butterfly..."
