I feel like I've been posting a lot here lately. sorry...
A few days ago I got it into my mind that I should cut on may 1st, so that I would remember the date, and partly to hold myself off till then, because at the time I really felt trigerred.
So May 1st came, and I didn't feel like I had to, but I did anyways. To be entirely honest, I have no idea why. I guess I kinda wanted those marks to re appear again. It makes me feel...different, less human, more...something else that I want to be.
But then the next day it caused so much stress, trying to hide it, and seeing it, and...I got really stressed and upset. to make it worse I went to ar ehearsal and the director there was the fisr tperson last year to see my cuts and forced me to tell my parents, so now henever i seem stressed or quiet he'll ask me "are you ok?" in a really patronizing way and assume thats what I've done and that he knows everything about why I'm doing that, hwen actually, he only knows a tiny fraction of it. a while back after I confronted him about a comment that I didn't find nessesary he started shouting at me how all this was just a "distraction" and that I didn't need this. I was so mad,because at the time I needed it for what it is, not for what it distracts me from. I was angry because i didn't want it to be simplified and put into words like that. But it makes me so angry now, because I see that he was right, I just did it because I didn't want to have to think abotu everything else, I needed to distract myself. And I don't want him to be right. But I didn't even have to, and 'm so mad that I did anyways, and I hate seeing the scars on my arms now.
SO when I got home last night I just had a breakdown. I was stressedabout an exam i had earlier today and everything that was going on. and now...now I don't know what to think. its been so long since i haven't needed this, I don't know where I stand.
Its really depressing though becaue iwas reading a journal entry from almost exactly last year, and it was saying the exact same thing. I havent' done anything at all to move forwards.
And i look backa t then and want to go back, because i see all the happy things then, and all the good things and fun things that happened, and I'm so mad at mysekf because id dint enjoy it at the time. and I bet the same thing is going to happen in a few months thinking back to now, and theres nothing i can do abot it because im so caught up in my stupid self now.
The last paragraph sound like what I've been through in the past so I know how difficult it can be to change certain things that are happening, but for the most part, it is possible.
Starting now you can try to find something positive the next time something bad happens and when something great is happening, try to enjoy it the best you can.
What I always try to tell myself is that whatever is in the past stays in the past. You can't change it no matter how hard you try. The only thing you can do from now on is to accept your mistakes, try your best to learn from them and keep moving forward.
Also, there is no need to be sorry for posting. This is what the message board is meant for and there are a lot of people who are happy to support you through this. Take care :)
Hey, I'm sorry about how stressed and confused your feeling, and i know how hard it can be to feel like you haven't moved forward and that you've just wasted a lot of time in your life. But regrets can eat you up and stop you from moving forward. Getting better takes a lot of strength and energy, and so none of that should be used up on regrets (i know its a lot easier said then done). Try not to look back at the time you spent not enjoying things but rather to look forward so that you can try and get yourself to a place where you can enjoy things. Recovery isn't simple, and certainly not fast, but its long, slow and difficult, and thats something you need to acknowledge. Are you working on getting yourself better, is there someone that you can talk to?
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
been trying to think of a metaphor for this... best i can come up with is that running miles on a treadmill might not move you forward. but all that excercise will still pay off when you get off the treadmill and run to somewhere... you'll have built up strength and endurance
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
