Contains sexual abuse - Should I tell my bf about my ex sexually abusing me? (stories about your experiences would help)

[_Melanie_]

Background:

My ex boyfriend sexually abused me. He didn't rape me though, or that would be easier to tell because it would be more his fault than mine. However, every single sexual thing in our 4 year relationship was coerced, with severe emotional consequences if I said no. He was constantly pressuring me and I was constantly begging him to slow down. He would sometimes, but briefly. I was allowed to say slow down. And I was allowed to say no, I just couldn't mean it.

Now, I've been having emotional/body flashbacks. I've been drinking more, and struggling with shame/depression/anger.

My current long-term boyfriend is trustworthy and knows about the emotional abuse, just not the sexual aspects of it. It feels like I'm lying to him by omitting it. But it also feels like it's not his problem. I feel like I'm dying inside, but I also feel like it's my own responsibility to go to a therapist or something, not his to deal with it.

Questions:

Should I even tell him?
What are the pros and cons?
Will it totally ruin our sex life forever if I do?

What was your experience telling a significant other?
How did they react?
Did they ever get over it?
Did it affect your sex life?

If I should tell him, how?
And how much detail?

[Pendragon]

Hi Melanie,

I'm sorry for what happened :(
Several years ago I was in a relationship where I was made to feel guilty if I said no. He never forced me to do anything, but I just knew that he would argue with me if we didn't do it so I would often just agree to avoid making him angry with me. He once got annoyed with me because I would ask every so often if I could adjust my position due to being in pain. Every single time was painful and I know now it's because I didn't want to do it. His general opinion was that because of my young age (legal though), I should want to do it all the time as he did. As well as this, there was also other emotional abuse.

I struggled mentally for a while with extreme shame/regret and it exacerbated my depression and anxiety symptoms. However, I met someone else and they are kind and trustworthy like your new partner. I have told him what happened, but haven't been very specific about the sexual side of it mainly because it hasn't affected me wanting to have sex with him and I never compare the experiences. However, are you struggling with having sex because of what happened?

I personally felt my boyfriend would feel uncomfortable talking about me having had sex with someone else, but he is so understanding and supportive that I know he would calmly do so if it's what I needed to get off my chest. I would recommend giving your boyfriend the chance to offer you the support, especially as you are experiencing symptoms.

Questions:

Should I even tell him? If you want to talk to him about it you should be able to. I don't think there is any harm in it because you can reassure him that you love him and that it is only bothering you because it was such a painful experience and you need time to heal from it, like any other trauma.

What are the pros and cons?
Pros;
- weight lifted from your shoulders
- bring you and your partner closer together because you've been able to support and confide in one another
- a good cry and talk can only help
- he will gain more understanding about you as a person and what you have been through

Cons;
- you might find your boyfriend isn't very supportive and refuses to talk about your life before him - but that's something you really gotta know anyway because you don't need that. I have a feeling that won't be the case anyway.

Will it totally ruin our sex life forever if I do? I doubt it highly. Some people will feel incredibly insecure about their partners having sex before them, but only because they can't bear thinking of them enjoying being with another person. You have had a terrible experience, and I think he'll be likely to want to create good memories with you and for you.

What was your experience telling a significant other?
I told him more or less straight away about being in an abusive relationship, but the details came in bits some time after. It hurts sometimes, sometimes I feel sad and hurt and he's my partner so if I need to I can explain why I'm sad and he listens. I mentioned a specific thing my ex did sexually that was hard to cope with, and as much as my boyfriend likely disliked being reminded that I had been with someone else, he has nothing but endless support for me because he knows I need to be able to talk about things to heal.

How did they react? Support, hugs, love, promises they would never do that to me.

Did they ever get over it? It didn't effect him past feeling upset for me, but was able to feel happy and normal again once I felt happy and normal again.

Did it affect your sex life? Not a bit. Just don't compare the two :)

If I should tell him, how?
And how much detail?

Explain the symptoms you've been having, that it's hard to deal with and that you want to be able to talk to him about it because you love him and want to confide in him. Perhaps not give specific instances, but explaining about the coercion and the general scenario of essentially being manipulated into it should be perfectly fine to talk to him about. Though, giving specific instances may help him understand better. Start vague and become more detailed if you sense he's comfortable :)

There's no way to tell how people will react to things, but if you're in a healthy relationship with someone who loves you, it'll be okay. It took me a long time of being surprised and overjoyed at being treated like a human being that I realised that.
Good luck <3

[Horizon]

I'm sorry you haven't gotten a response yet here, though I'm afraid I won't be of much help as relationships are not really something I'm familiar with.
Anybody abusing you in any capacity is not your fault, it is still his fault, rape or not.

Did your current boyfriend react supportively when you told him about the emotional abuse?
While your boyfriend is not and cannot be your therapist, which you already acknowledge, having him know might be an extra support to you, especially if it causes you extra distress right now with the symptoms you've listed.

Maybe it's worth crafting what you would like to say to your current boyfriend if you decide to tell him about the sexual abuse aspect. I would suggest telling him whatever level of detail you feel comfortable disclosing, and telling him your concerns regarding feeling like you were omitting something versus not wanting him to "deal" with it. If you know what you'd like from him in light of this disclosure, it might be good to be able to tell him how he might be able to help, or what might make it worse, etc.

In regards to how to have this discussion, each has its own pros and cons.
If you write him a letter, etc., then you will have the opportunity to say what you want and word it how you want it and you won't have to worry about being interrupted or having him react in the moment to the news. Also, he would have a chance to process what he's read.

If you tell him in person, I'd recommend setting aside time when neither of you has anything afterward planned and set the boundaries of I have something I am really struggling with, and I haven't told you about this. When I do, please do not do x, y,z. It is very difficult for me to disclose this."

I hope this was helpful at least in some way. And I hope that if you do decide to tell him, that it goes well. I think RAINN's website might have some helpful information about having discussions like this.

All the best to you.

[Pendragon]

Hello,

I thought I had replied to this yesterday but it seems it didn't post properly :(

Personally, my feelings is that you're not lying to him because you're not obligated to tell your partner everything that has happened to you previously. It's only really lying if he asks you directly, "were you sexually abused?" and you reply "no". Other than that, you don't have to tell him anything and I'm sure he would never want to make you feel like you have to.

However, if you want to talk to him about it, which I understand because I like being able to talk to and confide in my boyfriend about similar things, then I see no reason why you shouldn't.

I very much agree with Horizon, above, that if he reacted supportively about the emotional abuse, then that's a pretty good sign for being able to talk to him about more. I have confided in my boyfriend about emotional abuse I have experienced because it still causes symptoms in me such as anxious thoughts, panic attacks and sometimes nightmares. I am also in recovery from self harm which was sparked by the difficulties. So naturally I felt my boyfriend deserved to know the reason for my behaviour - I actually think it's comforting for him to realise that the issues are not stemming from anything he is doing and that he can understand fully why things might bother me (i.e being incredibly sensitive to anger/shouting from other people and quick to apologise/take blame).

The only real cons of telling him is that he isn't as supportive as you'd like him to be, but I think that's something you really need to know if you want to be in a long term relationship with this person. I told my boyfriend very early on about being in an emotionally abusive situation, but the details have come later in bits when situations would arise where I felt an effect/symptom as a result. However, as far as the sexual issues went, I didn't go too into detail because I didn't want to upset him (with the thought of me having been with someone else) but I'm pretty sure that once he realised just how awful my previous issues were, the insecurity/jealousy of me being with another person melted because I evidently wasn't enjoying myself at all and had had traumatic experiences. I alluded to some sexual issues briefly (mainly about how I was threatened with him cheating/leaving if I didn't "put out" more) and he was disgusted with the person, upset for me but ultimately incredibly supportive and reassuring that I would never have to experience anything like that with him.

It has never affected our sex life because I don't compare the two, and never have. We live in the "now" in terms of that, but I realise that isn't as simple for you. However, if you're having symptoms involving your sex life, I think it would be beneficial to be able to completely understand the situation.

Do what feels right and what you feel like you should be able to disclose to someone you trust and love. If he's the right person for you, it'll be okay :) Good luck <3

[bitomato]

I am sorry that you had such a traumatic experience with your ex.
I am also happy for you that you feel safer with your current partner.
I think telling him, the pros and cons and the way it will impact your sex life would be unique to the dynamic that currently exists. I think it is more important to reflect on what you want and need from the relationship in answering those questions for yourself.
I don't think it is lying. Telling a new partner everything upfront it not always ideal- especially when you need to know how much you can trust them and how supportive they will be. And while it isn't his "problem"- if he cares about you he naturally would be concerned.
If you have identified that you are experiencing significant enough trauma that you should see a therapist, I would urge you to go- and as soon as possible, tell someone your feelings of dying so that you can get the appropriate assessment and support. Finally, I don't think that your current partner would be dealing with "it". If you are in a relationship, "it" will or will not play or remain an influential factor in some aspects of your interaction. Knowledge and his capacity to give support and your ability to receive it would depend on a whole degree of unknowns.....

Abuse did negatively impact my most serious relationship. I would say if I had been in therapy for that specifically it may not have impacted our relationship as negatively as it did- because I ended up tolerating a lot of things, and ignoring warning signs in new relationships.