At what point did you stop and realise "****, I have an eating disorder"?
And after that, at what point were you able to admit it out loud?
I suppose this is my way of coming to terms with certain behaviours I have developed over the past year. But I still can't say the words. I also know that I am not likely to talk to anyone about it so I think to myself "What's the point of admitting anything?"
But anyway, how did you first come to terms with your disorder?
I think when I collapsed at 16/17 and my body started shutting down. But then it got better with drugs and since then I'm on the 'I'm fine, nothing wrong with me' bangwagon.
I don't think you ever really accept it until you start getting better. Like how you don't realize how loud the volume of music is until you turn it down.... that kind of thing.
I think you should talk to someone before things get any worse love.
I bounce between denial and acceptance rather rapidly, and it really has taken a lot of talking and other people drilling it in to me to get to the stage where now, I can say that words, "I have an eating disorder".
I am exactly like that. EXACTLY. I'd rather I didn't so sometimes I turn off reality or if I hear or read about someone being on a silly diet it normalises it, so by my standards, I'm just on a diet to be thin again too, like everyone else.
I think the more you say and acknowledge it the easier it might get. Perhaps.
Hmm...I don't remember exactly when I realized I had an eating disorder. I think it was actually when I had entered recovery. I looked back and saw how thin I was, how sick I'd been, and it finally hit me...I kept thinking that I couldn't have anorexia because I knew I was too thin, and I thought all anorexics thought they were fat. I think talking to people who had EDs or reading their stories helped too, because I could relate to them. EDs are just so scary...maybe it's hard to admit to yourself that you have them.
I don't really believe I have one. Some days I realize that my eating isn't normal and most people don't do the things I do but than the next day I am convinced it is normal and that I am just on a diet. I do worry about it at times but mostly I don't think it is a problem the only problem is really how messed up my mental state has become since my eating issues started.
I feel as if I am contradicting myself lol sorry but it is kind of hard for me to explain clearly since it still confuses me.
“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep.
And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare,
like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved.
I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini
What Meg said about bouncing... but I still can't say, you know, "I'm Ilana and I have an eating disorder." I can write it here, but I can't say it out loud, and it's been years. Some days I don't even really believe it's true. I wish I wasn't scared to say it, I think being scared of the words makes it worse for me, but there's a lot of words that I won't/can't say.
They say admitting it is the first step, but if you need to take it slow, take it slow.
I've only come to terms with it now that I am better, and can look back and go... ****, how did I put up with doing that to myself?
I hope Fi that even if you can't 'admit' it out loud, that you can reach out for help. The sooner the better. Even if you start by doing so here. We are a safe place where you can talk about this, if you want.
I still don't think I've really come to terms with it. I can talk about it fairly well online but I've never said it in real life. Also I can say "eating disorder" and apply it to me online, but not "anorexia".
"Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher." ~William Wordsworth
Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.
I was in denial for ages. I thought it was OCD for a long while (there are some aspects of it that seem like OCD but some that aren't).
I came to terms with it by just realising other people were right and I was wrong.
Could you write it down first then try saying it out loud if you think that will help you?
For me it was when other people noticed. I think I had just subconsciously and gradually fallen into such a routine that was warped enough for other people to pick up on and mention. After that I probably stopped and went "****, yeah, I do do that and I am using food to do this to myself for x reason". I think it's easy to just fall into the habit of doing things that actually aren't healthy, and sometimes we need someone else to tell us that.
Even if you don't want to talk to someone about it, if you can at least admit it to yourself then you can try to start turning things around for yourself. I don't think you can change things if you don't believe that there's anything wrong.
I am still trying to come to terms with having an 'eating disorder' but for me, the point I realised things were serious, was when I realised my periods had stopped and my body, physically, was - is - struggling. But I'm also in denial. My BMI is only borderline low so I don't feel 'Ill enough' at all
'You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice'
There were people I knew online who had EDs, or had recovered from an ED, and over time I found out a lot of their stats and behaviors. One girl who I look up to a lot (sometimes as an inspiration to keep on with my ED and sometimes as an inspiration to try and fight it) revealed some information from when her disorder was really raging in full force. And I realized my behaviors were currently "worse." I know that how much we eat and weigh doesn't really measure our sickness, but just from a physical standpoint, she had been in a better place than I was. Plus, having an ED, I became very competitive so that was my way of thinking even though I know it's warped. But that's when it hit me. Until then I had been in complete denial, but to see myself "surpassing" all these people who I knew had eating disorders and I knew how bad it was is what it took to really give me a reality check.
There are still days when I'm in denial. I can say I have an eating disorder and know that it's true but on the days when I feel pretty good it is so easy to ignore, or to say "Oh but it's obviously not that bad." It takes a crisis to make the reality set in. When I feel like I might die any second, not open my eyes in the morning, I realize "Oh my god I have an ED." But when the sun rises and I am enjoying life, I can't believe it any more.
When food, exercise, weight and how I thought look took over my life, I was missing my period and was having lots of hair fall. I was at a normal BMI and weight thou, so I always felt like I was never really 'disordered' until my physical and mental health told me so.
for me it was when my friends satme down and said that they were scared for me and they were going to call my parents if i didnt tell them myself.
thts when i finally realized i had an eating disorder.
it took me about anther 3 months till i admitted it out loud though.
i never completely "came to terms with it" but i guess i accepted if cuz its so much a part of me that i cant deny it anymore...
"life is not measured by the number of breaths we take... but by the moments that take our breath away..."
My biggest wake up moment was one day I just woke up and I realised I didn't have any friends left, and my family was walking on egg shells around me because I was such a moody bitch they were always afraid to say the wrong thing. Then I noticed how stressed they all were and for the first time it occurred to me, I wasn't just hurting myself, I was killing my family, that's when I decided that my 'diet' had clearly gone way too far.
