Terrified Appointment to Decide Treatment Next Wednesday!
Sorry to post guys but I'm terrified I'm really struggling with body shame and I'm so fat it's a disgrace! I have an appointment with a person from a step up to recovery programme and the dietician next Wednesday but I'm so ashamed because I'm so fat and they are pushing for me to be refed at home but my mum isn't comfortable supporting this and neither am I as my emetaphobia is bad and inpatient is not an option I want because I'm too fat and would take someone's place who really needs it. I don't know how to get them to listen what my mum and I are saying? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Sorry I don't deserve support.
Hey darl, you certainly do deserve support so I'm glad you posted. What is it your mum would like regarding your treatment, how does she feel about IP treatment for you?
I can hear you have reservations about that but you deserve that place in hospital if you need it. Why is it that they want to re-feed you?
So what treatment/support do you want/feel would help if you're against re-feeding at home and also in-patient treatment? Just a bit confused to be honest.
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
Sorry I was in a state earlier and didn't make much sense. I'm just terrified I got so distressed about my body I've been all over the place and punching my face and banging my head. I feel so out of control I just find it hard to make this decision I wish someone could make it for me but I know I'm being pathetic and this isn't possible. I'm so sorry
Jess, if you were as fat as you keep claiming to be they would not be offering you the support they are. Why is your mum so against the refeed at home thing? You've never really said. Please try and accept the support they are offering you. You took time off uni to get better and to beat your ED, yet you seem to e letting that win. Keep fighting you can do it!
Sorry Katy I can't say because it is triggering and would get edited it relates to the nature of my diet and restriction so its frustrating to explain. The biggest reason is its a high physical risk and my mum doesn't feel safe supporting me. I'm sorry if this sounds blunt x
Jess, I know you are frightened, but you need to listen to what everyone is saying. You are not fat. They would not be giving you such intensive support if you really were. They would not be concerned about the physical risks of refeeding if you were eating enough.
Is IP an option?
If not, is there any way at all you could do refeeding at home?
Refeeding isn't just 'let's start eating properly again', it's slow and careful to make sure that the risks of refeeding are minimal. And whether you do it at home or IP, you will have to do it at some point. If worrying about doing it at home is simply to delay having to deal with it, I think you should think carefully about whether you want to recover.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
If you were as fat as you think,they wouldn't be wanting to re feed you,everyone who goes ip has the same worries,that they'll be the biggest/taking up a bed/don't need to be there,none of it is true though. If you weren't seriously ill,ip wouldn't even be an option.
In ip people are all different sizes,as they're all at different points of recovery/trying to recover.
It looks like your options are re feed at home or go ip,if your mum isn't comfortable doing it,then that pretty much only leaves ip,unless they do day patient?
I know its scary,i really do,I've been in a similar position.
It will get to a point where they take the choice from you and its much better to still have the choice and go into treatment yourself,than have to be forced. It isn't an easy decision to make but treatment wise you stand to do a lot better if you chose and keep some control than have none at all.
IP is a valuable oppertunity if your serious about recovery. Don't make out that you'd be taking someone elses space, if it is offered to you then they've decided its justified.
I can't help but feel a big reason for not going IP is really that you don't want to let the ED go.
Why is it you can't go IP if you do feel you want recovery?
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. In all honesty the biggest barrier is my weight not being critical they are trying to avoid inpatient they don't want to admit me and in spite of feeling quite unwell it only feeds into me feeling I don't deserve the help. I'm desperate to return to uni and they are going to discuss what comes next but in all likelihood I will have to go inpatient as my mum doesn't feel safe refeeding me at home so really caught to be honest. I don't think I'm alone in having mixed feelings about recovery too. Thanks guys for taking the time I'm sorry I'm so useless
I know your mum doesn't feel safe supporting your refeeding at home, but really it's up to you whether you want to try it or not; nobody can make this decision for you Jess.
I don't know their reasons for being reluctant to admit you, but I'm guessing they might be concerned that it would be counterproductive, or that being surrounding by other very unwell girls might 'encourge' you, and they may feel that if you are able to re-feed at home it would be more productive.
Do you think you would be willing to give the re-feed a go at home? At the end of the day, if you are unwilling or unready to refeed at this stage, hospital isn't going to change that.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I wouldn't say you are being useless Jess, just that you are struggling with the concept of having things taken out of your hands. Recovery is a difficult thing to do and to me it sounds like you are scared of how hard it will be. I know you may not want to go IP but it sounds like it will help you in the long run.
Could you use returning to uni as something to focus on to help you get through this?
Hi Katy yes I'm trying too! It's worked so far for me to agree to see dietician and see the lady who runs the programme. Sophia it really is too unsafe that is why I'm not keen either I also have bad emetaphobia. The service is being quite unreasonable by putting me and my mum under the kind of stress refeeding causes. The main reason is I'm too fat and there isn't the money! Sorry I sound so difficult I feel scared and out of control. I really appreciate this support I feel less alone xx
Jess, if you were too fat they wouldn't be trying to get you to re-feed. I know it's difficult and hard to accept when all the ED thoughts are telling you different.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
Thanks Amy I just wish I could believe that. I meet the head of the service at 10.30 then the dietician at 11.15. Really anxious I'm sorry I'm going round in circles
There's no need to apologise sweet. Try and challenge these thoughts you are getting if you can. I know it's going to be scary having those appointment tomorrow but they are there to help you as best they can.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
Hi Amy thank you I just feel gross and fat and out of control. I keep drinking loads of hot fluids and I'm retaining fat and fluid and gaining weight. I want to ration it but keep failing. I went out all day yesterday to help me feel more in control but I'm in again today I don't understand this disgusting greed and craving for salt. I feel an embarrassment. I'm fighting urges to cut but have been punching myself instead. My heart is banging like mad. I just don't know anymore I can't go out today as I need to order something for my dissertation on line and they are being sold in a limited number so I don't want to miss placing my order. I'm sorry I don't know anymore. Xx
