Iím trying to find reason for it. But there is none. Iím not sad or depressed or manic. Iím not even Ďdoneí. But Iím scared. My self harm has recently reached the point of surgery and anaemia and I ODíd and was in HDU to try and avoid it. I donít know what to do. I donít have a CC. Iím in the middle of a formal complaint about lack of CC and CMHT support. Iím not suicidal. I have hopes and dreams but my self harm compulsions are stronger and I donít know what to do or how much more my body can take. Literally. My HB levels are almost half what they were until I started selfharming again three weeks ago. I donít know what to do. Normally I can be months between incidences and was a decade between OD. I donít want to die but it now feels inevitable and I donít know what to do.
I used to self harm a lot more frequently and the one thing that actually helped was not being mad at myself. For me it helps me feel something other than numb. But then i would get into the spiral of self hatred and I would self harm again. When I tried to accept I was doing it as an unhealthy coping mechanism it helped a lot. Sending good vibes your way. Life can be tough but I think you are tougher.
That sounds really, really scary. There probably is a reason that things have reached this point but it's very difficult to always identify it on your own. It's absolutely ridiculous that you're not receiving proper (or any?) support when it's clearly needed. Is it possible to be under the crisis team or in hospital to try and reduce risk ana work through what's actually underlying everything at the moment?
I'm sorry you're going through such a scary time. Did the hospital not refer you on to anyone when you've been treated there? Can you think of what you might need to help you stay safe and work through this, even if it's something that you don't think is available right now?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Thank you for the replies. Hospital 5.2 but was taken off because MH said I had capacity, which I do. I know what I’m doing but that doesn’t make the compulsions any less scary. I saw a psych nurse today and they’re having a meeting about my care tomorrow. I’m supposed to be seeing a psychologist but I’m not finding it remotely helpful. I did find a CC helpful- I’d been out of IP for two years, irregular self harm, working and studying and volunteering etc. Struggling with compulsions tonight. A lot. And GP reissued my OD meds’ today too. Tbh not sure why cos they’re not due. I requested them and they agreed. It’s my responsibility, I know that but it did surprise me.
Thanks Lindsey. I do but only one person knows what’s been going on. Psychology appt was cancelled today- guessing she’s off sick. Was expecting a call from the nurse I saw yesterday with the meeting outcome and plan moving forward but she finishes at 4 so I’m guessing it won’t be today now. I have a friend staying tonight which I would usually be looking forward to but I’m resentful of because it means I can’t self harm and whilst that’s also a good thing, it’s making me more anxious. It also means me and the house need to be clean and tidy and I just have no energy physically, prob due to the anaemia. And I need to see my dad on the way to going out with my friend too and it’s all just too much. I need the CMHT to work with me to come up with a plan, sooner rather than later.
Thank you for the replies. Self harm has stabilised but still physically poorly. I’m really struggling with my current support and actually finding it more harmful than helpful. Not sure what to do. Not sure if it’s mood related but it feels more than situational...I don’t ‘want to die’, but it feels like the inevitable and possibly the best option. I’ve dealt with this for so long and I thought I could handle it, with or without support...I had plans for the future etc. I was put forward to dbt to try and manage self harm (even though can be months in between incidences)....it’s making me feel more isolated because my moods and thought patterns don’t fit anybody in the group and the individual therapist might as well be a cassette recording. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not overwhelmed or intensely upset, I’m just tired and at some point sUrely enough has to be enough?
Last edited by Pomegranate : 24-02-2020 at 03:07 AM.
Hey, I just wanted to say... I know how you feel, I think. I'm in a DBT group which feels like it doesn't properly fit because other people seem to have different kinds of emotional reactions to things and I operate different. I was referred because of concerns about self harm, even though like you say it can be months between incidents, it's just that when it does happen it's scary and difficult but I lose the will to fight it or anything like that.
So yeah. It's hard and there doesn't entirely seem to be anything around that fits for someone in that kind of space. If it helps, I'm starting to find the dbt stuff a little better, I think because the group has moved onto some different topics and the people in the group have switched up a bit. I don't know what else to suggest though sorry.
Thanks Eska, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I think I’m struggling with dbt because my moods don’t ‘react’ as extremely to outside stuff as everyone else’s in the group (primary diagnosis is bipolar) and my self harm is more compulsive than impulsive so I struggle to see how a lot of the ‘skills’ can be applied to my situation. And tbh I find the group quite patronising- stickers and clapping etc. I do think my mood is currently on the low side- poor concentration, no motivation (even for showering or eating), poor sleep, feeling hopeless etc and it has been for the last two or three weeks. My mission for today though is to have a shower, do a food shop and clean the kitchen (cos I’ve not touched it in two weeks). But so far it’s nearly 3.30 and I’m in the same clothes as yesterday and the day before, that I slept in and sat outside having coffee and a cigarette.
Hey, I wonder how are you doing? Are you okay?
Hopefully eventually the topic of discussion in your DBT group will turn around to something more relatable. I see why you would find it patronising (stickers would guarantee an eye roll even in my 9-year-old students) and not very helpful, but I hope it can change.
Do you think there was a certain turning point two or three weeks ago that might've triggered the low mood you're struggling with now?
Also, did you brave the kitchen after all? I haven't cleaned mine since like February 3rd so you'd be my inspiration if you did. If you don't mind. :)
Last edited by Juella : 26-02-2020 at 07:21 PM.
Juella- not done completely sorted kitchen but all the crap and rubbish is off the sides, dishes sorted and half rubbish taken out. Had to break it into individual chores. I don’t tend to have triggers for my mood. If anything I’ve got less social stressors than a month or so ago
Auror- It’s traditional dbt. Just had a look at RO-DBT but I’ve not come across it in my treatment trust or at work/placement. Not sure we do it here. Shame cos the compulsive parts resonate, although tbh other parts don’t. But at least I would see the potential benefit of RO-DBT. Thank you for your reply.
Has anyone ever experienced hive like rashes due to mood? Started two or three days ago but it’s driving me insane (excuse the pun). Scratching to the point of drawing blood (in a non self harm way). Mainly on my calves and arms and lower back. Cut my nails to avoid damaging the skin (irony) but it’s really unpleasant. Thanks folks