L is at work today. And it's also going to be very difficult to explain why i now have a 1:1 mh nurse....
Bestie is visiting tonight i think after he finishes work
I'm in a bit of a better mood today.
Have had a shower and changed clothes and been to get a coffee.
I think i feel better because i had a decent sleep. And also the chances of an ng seem drastically lower than they made it out to be on Friday. So seems to have been used as more of a threat
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Today has been totally ruined and i am now in a terrible mood.
I think i cried out all the tears yesterday, so i haven't cried.
Basically, if i don't manage the ENTIRE meal plan from lunch time today, they will put a tube in tomorrow. The WHOLE thing. That's what the gastro consultant and dietician said.
I feel sick. I really can't. I'm in a panic. It's so close to lunch time. I'm going to be sick (involuntary, just to be clear)
PLS came to see me. Said they can sedate me for the ng tomorrow if it's easier. And said some people find it easier having one???
So it seems they know how much I'm going to struggle with it.
They're only not doing the tube today out of courtesy, because the plan was not made clear on Friday. So theyre giving me 24 hours. Which is nice(??) Of them. I suppose.
As previously mentioned, i am in a panic. I was shaking when speaking to gastro.
I can't.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm sorry Cacoethes, that's really horrible. But good luck with lunch. If/when lunch doesn't happen I hope the tube isn't too traumatic. You need this help and things will get better. Lots of love.
The shitty thing is, when you're that physically ill and malnourished, everything kind of tends to be that much shitter. It's harder to not panic and not freak out, and it's harder to reason why eating is so important. Part of it is because brains literally don't function properly with no nutrition. It's part of why it's all so hard and impossible to do this on your own. Possibly why your emotions are also so fragile too - re the keep crying.
It's awful to hear when it's happening to you and you're in the middle of it. It's what I was told when things were bad and it felt too big and too scary to comprehend, like it couldn't be possible. But now looking back, with nutrition fueling my brain, I can see that was what was happening.
So sorry things have come to this. Hope if it happens, the tube will be helpful in getting some nutrition into you and getting you feeling better mentally and physically so you can start to deal with this stuff head on. Part of why they want to force nutrition first is because therapy and other support can't work when your brain can't function. It sucks because like, you need support to deal right? It's an awful position to be in.
Also at least here in the US, when you're in hospital or IP, it's normal to be on 1:1 if you have a tube. It's to make sure you aren't going to pull it out or try to stop the feeds. So it makes sense that they would have set that part up first. Also the benefit of the tube is they can run fluids in it too instead of drips, so that might be useful for you.
Hope if that's what happens it's as less awful as possible and you are able to get used to it quickly, and that it doesn't have to stay in long.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It is a lot harder to not panic
I tried so hard at lunch but still failed miserably
I feel so stupid. Having a mental breakdown about a bloody sandwich
It'll be dinner soon as well and I've already failed at more than one thing on the meal plan. So why try anymore because they said if i didn't do ALL of it then I'd have to have a tube. Which seems SO unfair. Does it even matter that i tried my best? Even if it wasn't good enough?
It's normal to be on 1:1 when you're on section. Like a legal thing.
It's so annoying though. I hate having someone there all the time.
I'm still hoping it doesn't happen. I'm holding onto the hope that they're bluffing and trying to scare me.
I haven't been able to cry all day because i cried too much yesterday. But i have been very up and down and irritable. I have apologised several times to my 1:1 nurse because I've been a bit short with her. She said she understands though.
I hate being this person
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
So actually, even though it FEELS like punishment, the tube is actually meant to help make eating easier. It's not punishment. It's because they know you're trying so hard and can't handle it, so they're wanting to use the tube to make it easier on you.
While never had a tube personally (but been offered/threatened), knowing others who have had them, some do say having the tube does make it easier to eat. It takes some of the pressure off, because you can eat as much as you can handle without going overboard, and then the tube feeds can do the rest. Because you'll be getting the same amount of food either way, so the pressure is removed.
It's good you hate the way things are! Just not good things are this way. Hopefully once your brain gets some food in it, you'll have more energy to figure out a way forward and really work on things.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I suppose you don't know if you'll find it easier or not unless it happens. But I wouldn't assume you aren't one of those people straight off. If there's any way to try to challenge the thinking of it as punishment, and look at it as more support that might be good. Know it's not that easy though.
I got offered one multiple times when I was really struggling. I declined because we were able to find other ways to make eating easier - like alternative supplements that were more doable and switching up to have more at other meals/snack times so I could have less at harder times of day. If you're working with a dietitian human those are definitely things you can talk to them about too. But you kind of have to be in a place where you are able to be eating a decent amount for that. So if tube happens, maybe it can help get you to that place sooner.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
That's true.
I think i just assume that because I've always thought it looks and sounds really traumatic.
PLS were trying to frame it as something to support me.
Maybe. I just don't think hospital is the right place to do this.
Because i have no control over what food i have. Or very little control at least.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Yea it's totally meant to be a supportive thing. By framing it that way they're being honest and telling you the truth. They're not trying to trick you or anything. This isn't to say that it isn't traumatic! Or scary or awful! It definitely is and not trying to discount that at all. Just that they really are doing it to try to help. (If they do)
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I was told it was to give enough nutrition to your brain whilst you can't eat by choice. The aim is to nourish you enough for therapy to be able to get you to eat by choice.
I'm sorry it's come to this Beckie, I know it's not the outcome you wanted. It sounds like you do really need the support though, and maybe the tube will be helpful in a way as people said above. I hope that if it does go that way, it's not too traumatic having it put in (especially if they'll sedate you) and that it can give your brain the fuel it needs to start engaging with therapy and help to get you to a place where you're not reliant on it. Sending love and a big hug.
