when finances affect your relationship

Arienette · 19-11-2014, 07:03 PM

my partner and I always said money shouldn't be an object in a relationship. We share everything, and help each other out when one is better or worse off than the other.

We have both had our share of financial difficulties.

Now though, I am starting to get annoyed.

She is in debt, and owes me a lot of money yet I don't see her seeing responsibility for that and trying to set herself a budget. She just spends until it is gone and it goes really quickly because she's not careful.

I at time, can be financially slack, but I always manage to budget it.

She knows she is bad at this stuff, and said I can do her budgeting for her, and hold her card. - but I don't want to feel like I'm financially nannying her.

I'm going to stop offering to pay up every time she has overspent, because it's a topic that we can't talk about. Last time we did, she overdosed.

She reacts very extremely to money worries, and is very sensitive of criticism or help. She won't even let me help her with her money because she is secretive about her outgoings and stuff. I don't shout at her for it, so I don't know why she is like that.

Maybe she's ashamed of she knows I will "talk" about it with her, but because she is secretive i find out when she's in the ****, and then obviously its a lot more stressful and she expects me to listen to her whinge about how unfair it is that she's in this situation - when the only person getting her into the situation she is in is herself.

She isn't even honest with herself She makes out as if some outgoings have taken up all the money, like printing at uni. But she doesn't try a more cost effective way of managing her work, like printing at home. Or not printing every piece of research because they're never all relevant.

I'm finding it really hard to not be frustrated and it's making me want to be selfish and stop sharing and buying her things because I'm annoyed. I also don't like feeling like I HAVE to buy her a treat every time I get myself some chocolate for example, or a sandwich: but I do and it's making me angry because I want to buy her treats because I want to, not because I feel I have to and am worried about the upset it will cause if I don't.

I don't want to keep all my money to myself, but I need to pay exam fees and I'm stressing. My budget keeps getting screwed up because I keep having to lend 40 or 50 here and there, which throws my budget off completely.

ANd I've gone without for a long time because of her money stress about talking about it at all, for years we didn't work it out properly and I had to struggle. And now she has the money to budget a little bit, she's not at all.

I'm starting to get angry because it's a festering problems that has brewed for a while now and I don't know how to solve it when she won't talk to me about it properly and work *with* me to work out *our* budgets.

I'm inclined to stop helping her, but I will find it difficult to watch her getting into a spiral and will inevitably forfeit everything I have so she can get out of that again.

I'm getting angry about it inside. and now I'm going to be really stressed about paying my exam fees when it shouldn't be an issue because she owes me £700+ since august.

and my fees are only £100, but now I'm going to be stressing because it is christmas and I paid for our christmas travel and she hasn't mentioned once about paying me back. And from how she has been spending i have no idea how she's even going to eat next week except from me buying her food, never mind paying me back £60.

tiptoes · 20-11-2014, 06:46 PM

I wonder whether getting your partner to sit down with someone impartial to go through her money issues, maybe the citizen advice bureau or money advice service?

It is difficult when the two parties in a relationship have different earnings and spending habits. I think you really need to sit down and decide what you will count as joint spending and what is separate. Does your uni do any courses on managing finances?

I am still a student where as my partner has a job so our earnings are quite dramatically different. So we both pay into a joint account and we live from that - bills, rent etc and any joint leisure activities - day out or going to the pub etc and everything else is our responsibility and comes out of our personal accounts. Do you think something like this might help you?

Is she getting any support at the moment? It must be difficult to be fearful of bringing things up in case she reacts in a dangerous manner and it wouldn't be surprising if this started to affect the longer term health of the relationship as it may start to create a divide of you vs her rather than us and we. (hope that makes sense and i haven't caused offence I only list is as a potential possibility not an inevitability)

Arienette · 21-11-2014, 12:46 AM

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. A lot of what you have said sounds like good ideas that I hadn't thought of, like sitting with someone impartial. I think I will suggest that, then the money talk will seem less personal and more productive. It also means avoiding unneccassary personal comments or frustrations as they will be trained to help people manage money who find numbers stressful and/or difficult.

Thank you.

tiptoes · 21-11-2014, 10:10 AM

Another thing I have thought of is. When having a difficult conversation it is tempting to approach with with a deal with the fall out approach. I wonder whether dealing with the fall out first and then approach the subject might help. Reassure your partner about your relationship and how you feel about her and tell her you want her to remember that and would now like you to find a time to talk about her/your finances.

Realistically, if you can afford, it might be an idea to give her a month or so where she doesn't have to pay you back, she just has to live on her earning alone with a strict no baleout rule and that you are willing to support her during that month (or what ever time frame you decide is feasible) in making better financial decisions but she has to take the lead. No blame games and then after that time sit down and work out a realistic budget (joint and personal), maybe include the two of you working about your budget too so she feels less singled out?

I'm terrible at printing everything too thankfully I have unlimited printing resources. Even so I where possible print two (sometimes four)pages per page and double sided to reduce paper (and my time waiting at the printer)

Arienette · 21-11-2014, 10:35 AM

That's also a very good idea and I'm definitely going to do that because that goes her time to adapt and get used to budgetin on a less strict budget. I have already said she can pay me back for other stuff in long term : it'sainly the hrias travel I need before hand but I've already brought the topic up a little and said, it's ok to pay me that back after our next parent if you like, and she agreed so at least that is sorted.

I think your ideas for talking about the topic in a productive way without causing arguments are really good though: thank you.

I'm going to bullet point them on a piece of paper as a "approaching the topic of money" skills bank kind of thing.