I feel uncomfortable with video cameras at the best of times! Was even worse with loads of wires attached to my head with a weird bandage hat thing on!
It probably is for the best! I don't really bother lying anymore!
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Beckie I have only just had a chance to catch up on your thread and I dont have a whole lot to add other than to say...
ZOMFG!!!!!! I am sooo happy for you with the new development, that is such fantastic news and really is the next best option from having her with you full time. It is good that you trust your mum to be fair and keep you involved, and the main thing is that you will remain in her life.
I've just seen the new childrens guardian. He works independently which is good because he's not associated with ss and he purely has Jasmine's best interests in mind.
BUT he said my mums assessments might not be done in time for the final hearing. But we were already meant to have 2 'final' hearings. One in march and one in june. Which didn't happen because ss hadn't done their job properly. My mum will need a crb check and medical check. So mum is going to chase it all up so they have absolutely NO excuses.
The final hearing is getting closer. Its in october. This is the one where I'll have to stand in the box and be cross examined like they do on tv. They will fire questions at me and try and trip me up. Its scary. I'll be ok with it as long as I don't get aggressive or start crying.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
The only thing I'm a bit nervous about hun is that they might ask 'why now?' And ask why your mum didn't come forward before and it's implications, but I really am thinking worst case scenario, and it might be worth preparing an answer for. And seeing as ss have messed you around so much they should really allow you a delay if you and the guardian and they see it in Jasmine's best interest.
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
My mum has been reading countless case studies and info on this kind of stuff. So she's well prepared!
She's also very good at talking and not being tripped up by people! She deals with banks through work.
If anyone can get to them, she can!
The guardian is going to try and come to contact tomorrow to see me and Jasmine together. My mum was planning to come anyway so hopefully the guardian will be able to make it.
Xx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
This is why ss don't like us. Because my mum talks sense and she does her research, as a result, ss can't bullshit us!
I think he's going to try his best to get there tomorrow because he's off for the next 11 days after that. Final submissions for court have to be in within the next few weeks.
Xx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
sorry to bump this. I'm just wondering if anyone can help me work something out?
I've been feeling 'odd' for a while now. I can't really explain it, I'm questioning myself all the time, I'm wondering if my entire life is something that's pre programmed in some sort of computer, or a delusion.
I've been feeling quite, detached is the best way to describe it. I struggle to remember the days events (more so than usual) and in my meeting with my CPN and the crisis team today, I was talking and smiling and chatted to the student nurse about her knowing me from the priory and the ward last year. But I couldn't make eye contact which I'm usually pretty good with, I knew what I was saying and stuff but it was weird.
I was saying I was ok to just see my CPN once a week like before, and they kept asking if that would be enough. Which makes me worry that they still think I'm unwell. I told them I was ok and I wasn't lying, I am ok, but I felt like I was lying.
Last weekend I went pretty much non verbal, which I haven't done in at least 6/7 years and I tried to rip my ear off, which is something I have never done (it still frickin hurts) or considered doing.
Things are just weird. I'm happy, pretty content, finished my essay tonight which doesn't have to be done until September so my concentration is ok. But on the other hand, I could quite easily go upstairs and self harm or run off and jump off a bridge. It doesn't make a lot of sense and I'm quite confused and scared by this weirdness.
It's not dissociation because I know what I'm doing, I think my memory has just gone to shit. I can remember bits of the day. My long term memory is totally fine, short term memory really isn't.
Keep thinking about the doctor saying it sounds like my mh problems are caused by something seriously wrong with my central nervous system, which is quite weird.
Just.feel.strange.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I have very bad short term memory at times and can't even remember what I had for dinner at 7pm. It's normally when I'm head is abit fuzzy and nothing seems to be in focus or real. No mh person has ever wanted to address this so I have no advice but to say that I kind of get how you feel
As far as I recall there are forms of dissociation that would not cause loss of memory. I think this is something you should consider talking to your CPN about, maybe she can help. Have you tried grounding techniques or similar, maybe they would help you to feel less detached even when it's not dissociation.
Thanks Lana :)
I'm seeing her on tuesday so will mention it (if I remember!)
Its just strange. I've never experienced anything like this before.
I've never gone like I did last weekend.
Before when I've been "unwell" I really kick off and shout and scream and run and attack people that try to stop me.
But last week I was just silent, even with the ear thing. Which makes me think its not me being unwell and its something else.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
But I'm struggling a lot. I'm at kings cross on a train back home. It leaves soon.
I got into the station and suddenly everyone was suspicious. Its the first time in quite a while that I've felt violent. Everyone was suspicious and I just wanted to attack someone to let them all know that I knew. I had to run outside and I called Chelski and she talked me through and I'm on the train. But I couldn't talk to her anymore because its really really busy.
Everyone is watching me it seems. Whenever I look up, someone is staring then quickly looks away. Its like they're all planning something and I really can't deal with that. Its rare that I feel like I'm a danger to others but here I am and I'm admitting it and I know it.
I've got 40 mins on this train and if anyone is around I would be so grateful if someone could just talk to me and get me through this journey.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm here and listening. I understand how it feels on public transport when you feel like that. What I do sometimes is read my book and put my hand like on my forehead so I can't see if anyone's looking at me. Just an idea.
Not sure which route you're on, but if you go past my way, wave! :P
Beckie you've done great to reach out for support :)
It sounds like a really tough situation for you to just sit with. Have you got anything with you to help you distract, a book, music, pen and paper perhaps?
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
