How do you not understand. You really don't get it, do you? Maybe you will next June- when the divorce papers are coming in. This isn't just another little thing going on, a trivial little issue. This is real. I don't see how you can just pretend everything's ok. It's not. It's never been ok.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
I miss my guitars, I haven't played a guitar in so long, I sold them, so I had enough money to come to live with you and I miss them so completely I miss the hours and hours I'd play and pour my heart out, I miss the callouses on my fingers, I miss that escape. I fucking miss them and when I hear songs I used to play I'm bordering on tears.
My guitars meant that much to me. Most of the time I try not to think about them, but I still fucking miss them so much.
Yeah, I'm pretty alone right now.
And today I wanted to be, but yesterday, I didn't.
But today I want to bleed and yesterday, I didn't.
Why would I make any effort if you just blow me off and ignore me? What's the point in trying to be social?
Were you only hanging out with me because I was the only person you knew here?
I miss you Kolton. I know its stupid, I know I hardly know you, I know we're nothing but a few hook ups, but I spent a whole day with you. You touched me for most of that time, and I didn't freak out. You held my hand and I never had any anxiety. You came over to my apartment and you were a little immature, and i liked you even more for it. it added to your cuteness. you laid in my bed. i cuddled with you all night, and i never once had anxiety about it. you were familiar. I had only hung out with you on three occasions, and you're already familiar. I need someone familiar. and in a good way. zombie dude is beginning to become familiar, but not in a good way. and i don't like zombie dude. I miss YOU. then i miss seth, then i miss matt, then i miss dyllon. i don't miss andy, i'm sorry. i miss chase, even though we never hooked up. i didn't miss kasey, i still don't he just hurts me all the time. i miss brooks, i miss adam, even though neither of them like me in that way. i miss alex i miss michael, even though i never got to hang out with them because i didn't get to know them till after i or they moved. i miss xanthia, even though she's married to kyle now and doesn't miss me like that and never even liked me like that. i miss that town even though i still hate it, i just miss it for the people. i miss that city, because even though the apartment here is better, i got used to the actual city and i got used to kolton and i like him a lot.....i think about ending up with him a lot, even though i know that would never happen.
Last edited by Rainbow Colors : 18-09-2011 at 10:42 AM.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
Or I guess I technically "can," but don't know about willing myself to head in that direction.
If I quit with one of my problems, I'll indulge in the other.
Last edited by lonely_hope : 18-09-2011 at 10:24 AM.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
I feel like I will end up killing myself eventually. It makes everything seem very pointless. But maybe this is just one of my mood swings and tomorrow everything will be fine.
