I'm sorry. I feel like it's my fault that you two are mad at each other. and that it's my fault that you're worrying about me and stuff. It's my fault for everything. I wish I could take back everything I ever said to you guys about anything, so I don't have to worry about it anymore, and so you don't have to worry about me anymore. If I had a choice, I would take it all back. because it's all my fault. i love you both but I understand what I have done to you guys, and it is all my fault. Thank you for caring about me enough to love me and be my friend and talk to me a lot and drive me places, thank you for just being with me. even you being with me, wherever I am, makes me feel safer.....I love you and I'm sorry.
I'm crashing and burning. I am so lost. I need you to reach out to me, which you did, but you still didn't take my hand and pull me out of the fire. This has been the most crazy thing i've ever had to share, or not share as the case may be. But it's real, and I'm sure one day soon will change my life. I am so scared, of this, the future but most of all my crazy self.
I’ve heard the only stories people like are those with a resolution to them. You know, boy gets girl, good defeats evil, and it turned out it was all a dream. That kind of bullshit.
That sort of thing annoys people like me.
I can’t stand the need for an ending. Life only ends when the characters in our lives drift away and grow old alone and die alone.
My Nan was one of these people.
She had such a life.
Love affairs, a son she denied, sent away to Australia, a drawer-full of kept postcards and letters from a sister she refused to speak to, a daughter she was overly harsh towards, and two granddaughters whom she saw nearly every day for the first 10 or so years of their lives.
I don’t think she was happy.
In the end, she was alone. My mother was there, but I don’t think she knew.
The nice thing to say would be that she had her clarity back, in the final days.
She didn’t. The hours she was awake was far harder for me to bear than when she was sleeping, clinging to life by a thread.
I’m still not sure, even after the funeral, the wake, a month since she died, if I know how I’m feeling.
I think I’m feeling guilty.
Maybe you can compartmentalise, maybe you can shut off thinking about me and loving me and missing me when you're away, but I fucking can't. I miss you, and I'm so mad at you, for making me love you then fucking off. So I'm done. If you want to talk, you have my number.
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
I'm not doing it again, I can't let myself fall for you. It's not going to be like it was with S, forcing myself to believe he wanted me more than anyone else. We need to sit down and talk properly. Either you decide when you're going to finish with her or I give up on this because I can't put myself through it again. I can't even pretend this is casual with you. We both know it's so much more. And I know you felt guilty earlier because you have feelings for me, that's how it was with D. That's the real reason I couldn't carry on with him.
I'm sorry for those things I said, but it was the only way.
My darling, I miss you deeply. As much as you've hurt me,
It's agony without you.
I mean you before you changed of course.
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
