I love you so much...you don't even know, this is the hardest thing to keep from the people that I love but all in good time right my love?
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
i think i did the right thing tonight.
i feel like i miss you already, but i need to clear my head.
otherwise ill just ruin everything. i saw it happening already.
i've been such a bitch.
this is a good thing.
I figured I would do this this way...if that makes any sense. One day, we'll come to this point...if we haven't already. Having this here will be easier than legitimately writing it out.
My secret that I've been hiding is that a few weeks ago I was raped. Oddly enough, my attitude has gotten a little weird towards it. I was really upset to begin with. Like I told you, a little bit of suicidal ideology under this circumstance is more than reasonable. Now, I hope you understand that comment and agree. Anyway: First I was upset.
The basic reaction for me when I'm really upset is to stop eating. I've had trouble with "eating issues" (can't really call them anything else since they haven't been diagnosed and classified...) since I was a teenager. When things go bad, if I can't cut, I stop eating or I start purging...or both.
First step was stop eating. And, I did that. Then, I got super suicidal. I really thought that I was going to go through with it. I had my plan all worked out and was just picking a day.
You e-mailed me that Friday. You showed me that someone cared (even if I didn't want to believe anyone still cared.) For some reason it just pushed me towards a better place. Something inside of me said "If someone is willing to go out of their way to really help me without even knowing the situation...there must be something to all of this."
So, I tried the other extreme. I thought "Well, fuck it. I'm not dead, I might as well live and enjoy life." Somewhere along the past week, all the negativity drained out. I started appreciating the world and people around me for the first time in a long time. I also started eating again.
The eating thing was kind of an epiphany. When I was 18, I went to the gym 3 hours a day at least 5 days a week...sometimes more. I know at that point, I must have been attractive and fit. But, I didn't love myself. I wasn't eating and was maniacly working out. I must have looked either good or borderline scary. But, I never saw that. Then I realized that none of this messed up eating/skewed personal views is really helping anything. I'm never going to really comprehend what I look like and the control isn't worth killing myself.
So, in a really weird way, this last few weeks has been pretty good to me. I'm still alive, not physically hurt and had some breakthroughs. Sure I've gotten a little more emotionally fucked up and mistrustful, but I think I'm ok right now. Call it denial if you like, but I think I'll make it out of this ok.
No more worrying about me, please. Let's go back to normal conversations about normal things.
have fun with guys, but don't ever let myself fall in love with them again. they lie, they will hurt me, they will build my hopes up and cut them down. no one will break my heart again. i won't have a heart to break.
no one will love you stupid girl. youre so fucking useless.. fat, ugly, stupid. it's no wonder he left you. get over it. get on with it. just don't ever let yourself forget this is what happens whwen you think you're worth something.
fuck you. you think you make any sense? read back through what you've written on here the last few months and then what you've said to me lately. seriously do it. i just did. how can you not know you're messing with my head? how can you hurt me like this? i trusted you! now you won't even pretend to care. you won't respect me enough to reply to anything i write. so fuck you.
I'm so pissed off with you. You've been texting her. But you can't text me? You pursue her. And ignore me. You've treated me like shit this week just because you've got what you want out of me now. You have no idea how badly I want to tell her. Everything you've put me through. You're such a cunt. You think you're some massive player. You think that you can call all the shots all of the time. But I could make your life very difficult for you. And so could she.
Reasons I haven't cut:
1. My work uniform is too revealing.
2. I wouldn't want you to see them when we have sex.
3. I don't want you to think I'm mental.
I love you truly.
