This whole thing is making me feel sick. Don't you guys realise how I'm feeling?? I try to reach out for help but YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. What will it take to show you how serious all of this is???
the meds won't stop the night terrors or the flashbacks of you.
but now I just don't care.
I'm numb
she had me call you yesterday because she called me crying
and you didn't pick up
it took all my will power not to tell her to just start dating her best friend because Renee is better for her then you will ever be.
and also....because when i flash back to what we were half of it isn't scary
it just hurts because i know you lied through that entire thing to sleep with me...
and that is enough to kill my worth.
you've ruined me for a relationship congrates
now I'm needy, clingy, paranoid and everything else in between because of you
thanks a lot
if I lose her because of you and because you fed on my BPD...you will be sorry..
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
"what you're doing is the equivalent of discovering you've a brain tumour and cutting off your leg to cure it. let's see you walk now, love~"
there is no-one more fantastically caustic than you. <3 sure, I'll play the villian; I've done it before to protect us, I'll do it to protect myself without a twinge of guilt.
so go, fall in love with a drug then dehumanize me so you don't have to deal with me as an equal. I'm actually impressed with the convoluted stupidity of it.
So, one day, I suppose I'll be done and through with all of this. I won't be missing, and hiding, and lying to everyone. I'll tell the truth and be honest. Until then, I'll just have two sides, which don't merge or mix anymore (even though they used to, some time ago). I'll be loud, and rude, and just as normal as I can be (which isn't much, but still normal enough to fit in) and then i'll be weird, and messed up and DIFFERENT again.
I don't like new things, new situations. I don't like ti wehn things are different, or I have to talk with strangers.
Oddly, though, with my friends around, that isn't there. It's like all I need to feel safe is for them to be around, and then i don't mind how unfamiliar something is, or how unexpected, or how much I'd usually have an inward panic attack if I'd be stuck in that situation alone. They're my safety-net that make me normal.
I used to want to cut it out. I imagined taking a knife and cutting out the part of my brain that made me different (even though there really wasn't a PART of my brain that yould just be altered). Now, though, I am okay with whom I am. This is me.
And no one needs to know. They just need to know the one me (pretty normal, good grades, friends, laughs and smiles, a bit weird, a bit odd, a bit crazy, but still all within the normal), the one in school and in town.
No one needs to know the me (scared. afraid. Unable to cope in a NORMAL situation for anyone else. scars on her body) that I sometimes am.
When did you become this person? The one I don't want to know? The one who thinks it's a good idea to bitch about me to some of my best friends? Were you that person all along? Was I completely blind?
"Be nice. Think happy thoughts. Champion silver linings. Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens) & when you do love - love like they do in power ballads (you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know love like this). Watch out for dog poo. Smile at people - even grumpy ones. Remember anything is possible & whatever you do always try to look on the bright side."
I'm sorry for being so anxious today. It was rude of me to just keep playing on my phone like that. I just didn't want to make eye contact because every time I did, I went bright red. I'm sorry for not being more confident like S.
