Messages.

[Rhapsody]

Had I the means and the privacy, I would leave tonight. Better to be there with you, than here and alone.

[DestroyMe]

this holiday is worse without you
it always is
but at least when you were around I felt better
I've never felt more alone in my life
I miss you Big S.
please please do something for me....anything?
you already know what I want more then anything in the world
a little help to make that happen would be nice
I can't do this without her and you know that.

I'm sorry for not visiting your grave recently
I just can't
I do love you
MMFWCL <3
the anniversary of your death is a month away...not even that
and you're birthday a month after
I don't think I can do this
it hurts so much to be back here.
I miss you.

[Masquerada]

merry christmas mummy.
i don't know how i'm going to cope with it without you.
i bought sarah a whole load of presents, i think i'm spoiling her. but i want her to have a good day, i know you would too.
i can't stop crying. on the bus, right now for that matter.
i don't even know what to say to you. it's all futile if you're not here to hear it.
i should be wrapping your presents, watching crap on the tv with you. waking up to your cheeriness, like you always were for christmas, no matter how you were hurting deep down.
christmas was our day mum. you know that.
a bunch of cards arrived for you too. i don't know what to do with them, i thought everyone knew. they hurt so bad to read mummy. they all wished you well, some said you were in their prayers, for peace. ironic? i don't know, something like that maybe.
one of them even wanted to meet up in the new year. i think she'd missed you. maybe she was wondering why you hadn't spoken to hear in 8 ****ing long months mummy.
i love you so much.
missing you always & forever.
i need you back. come home, please?
it would be the best present ever you know.
love always,
rach xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[one_step_closer]

Merry Christmas Laura, Mum, and Dad. It's strange not having you around this year, Dad but i'm sure that you'd probably not even realise that it is Christmas because you'd be too unwell. I'm glad that you're not suffering now.

i hope ur looking down on everyone guy i hope urmaking sure everyone is safe and well... wish i cud of seen u again or spoken to u... u did ur country proud u still do today x

[PointeLullaby]

You were my family too you know.. I know you probably didn't care about me or think about me once but with Christmas coming up with your (our) family soon I can't stop thinking about it/you. Why did you do it?

You are still loved.

[Masquerada]

how is anything going to change this year if you're not going to be coming back
**** 2010, **** 2011
**** all of this ****
IREALLY****INGMISSYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

[worthless x]

R, I was thinking about you today, strange, there's a girl in my class whose name also begins with JE and she also has a sister with your full name. I've known this for 5 years? and I've never noticed it or even thought of it. Strange.

GJ, M lit a candle on your birthday for you. She said for "everyone else who's not here too" but she never listed P's name so obviously the candle was only for you. Miss your Birthday parties/New year parties.

I spent New Years Dinner at R&S's house. It was super lovely for them to invite me. With thier family. None of the boys came though, K was working, J was hungover, C was at his birds house and wanted to spend it with her and D never got in till 4:30 am so was tired lol. What a mess. R&S were quite annoyed I think. The dinner was lovely though. The soup was just like how M used to make it.

Anyway, miss you all. Send me some Luck this year :) maybe some for me & G Boy :) I kinda heart him. You all only knew the cunts of my boyfriends, wish you'd all of got to known or hear about the nicer-sih ones. Especially G, he's a lovely boy. It feels like we have everything in common, yet also feels like we have nothing in common.

I miss you all, everyday and wish you were all here with me right now. xxxxxxxxxx.

[hidingme]

Dear Papa~
I'll make this short for now.. but damn it..i am mad at your awnry old ass! I gave you them books on Christmas cuz I knew how much you wanted them and would enjoy them.... I even told you NOT to get any ideas! *sigh*Just recently thought about it and how you didn't reply when I said that.=/
well =P to you. Hope Granny bitches you out for it up there where you are now! haha!

We really miss you down here. and don;t say we shouldn't cuz you aren;t worth missing .. cuz you are you old bird.
I just hope you are singing your ass off up there.. you have such a beautiful voice.. it surprised me when i went to church with you the Sunday after we lost Granny. It made me cry. but that is our secret okay.. but I hope youre singing up there.. if not just do it occassionally for me ok?
You got the best christmas gift ever. you got to be with Granny again. and well even tho you didn't bother to share that information with us.. I am sure you knew that was coming very soon on Christmas and that is why you were so happy and said it was your best Christmas ever. =)
I hope you'll visit me in my dreams. but Do not show up in the night in my room.. I'll have to kick your angel ass if you do ! lol
we love and miss you lots Paoa.
xoxoxoxoxx

[staceyrawrcakes]

I miss you so much. It'll be 2 years tomorrow and I still feel as bad as I did the day I found out you died. I can't think straight to be honest. All I can think about is how I want you to come back so I can see you again and say bye and apologise to you for not coming to see you when you were in the home cos I was so selfish that I couldn't see you just cos there were people there I didn't want to see. I wish there was a way to bring you back.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : possible suicide trigger

I can't stop thinking about how I would rather go than you. You were better than me and you always will be. I just want to join you forever, then I can never miss you again. It's too much for me to bear. I can't take this anymore, I can't take thinking about how you're not here to celebrate New Year with us every year. I need you. I need you so much and I don't even know why.

. Please come back. I'm begging you. I know that you won't though and I can't stop crying because it's so unfair that you had to go. I actually enjoyed going to see you after work because you treated me like an adult, even though I was 14/15 and you never lectured me about stuff and you were just a decent person, one of the few decent people in my family who didn't get involved in family arguments, you didn't take sides.
I'm really sorry. I really am. I love you so much and I miss you more than anything. RIP Great Nanny, I hope you're having a nice time up in heaven with the angels. I love you. xxxxxx

[x-dying-inside-x]

Hi Lucy,
How is heaven? I hope your ok up there.
I meet up with your mum, dad and amy last night. it was amazing to see them again after all this time!
We had a good talk about you, we laughed but omg did we cry.
Your mum and dad have asked me to go out to cyprus to go see them and im going to go with Amy.
It will be lovely to spend a few weeks with your mum, dad and Amy.
We all miss you sooo much hunny, we just all wish you were still here soo much.
like your mum said last night you were her babay, her world. It really did upset me because we all love you soo much and you meant everything to us all!
Your mum wants to give me something of your's to keep, i cried when she said that. i please i will keep it close until the day i die because having something of yours means i will always have you close.
i love you soo much.
i'll write more later.
xxxxx

[lozza]

I was thinking about you all night mr martin, I cannot believe you have been gone for 4 months already! Me and lester visited you in the back yard, did you here us? We do hope that you are safe and happy where ever you are.

I love you so much
xxx

[Tracie Marie]

You are not gone physically, but mentally, Dad, you are a completely different person.

I miss the father that would watch cartoons with me when I was little. I miss the dad that would go on walks with me, and I could talk to about anything. When did you start to change? It seems like forever since things were that way. You changed into a person that couldn't stand the sight of me, and wasn't afraid to let me know. You went from speaking to me every day, to only talking to me when you were giving me negative comments.

I can barely remember what it was like to have your love, I was so young, but I still miss it so much. I wish I could call you without being reminded that you are my abuser. I wish you would acknowledge the fact that you have a daughter.

I want the old you back.

[Masquerada]

Mummy, please.
I love you so much, and I don't know what to say, but fly home tonight, and it'll be okay, I promise.
I'm still your baby. I really am.
Only I'll be sixteen tomorrow, did you remember?
I wish you could see me grow up. Can you? Sam said you'd fight the angels. I might just believe him.
I don't know what to do without you anymore.
Why won't you come back?
I'd give the world.
Love always,
Rach xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Masquerada]

Miss you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

[Pomegranate]

I burst into tears when I thought of you today. I almost wrote 'for you', except that would have been a lie. It was not 'for you', because you would have hated me to cry 'for you', you would want me to smile 'for you'. I'm sorry I don't smile as much as you would want me to. I am sorry that if you are watching then I know I will be making you sad. I miss you so much. It is weird. I think I am 'over' the emotional side of you dying and yet I find myself suddenly bursting into tears. I can't believe it will be three years in May. I just want you here. I want to be able to talk to you and feel safe. I want you to tell me it will be ok and be proud of me. I just want you back. I love you and I never told you that enough. I miss you.

Someone asked me today for an example of something. I gave when you died, when you died, possibly for me. That was what made me cry. Not a dramatic crying, just the quiet, tears running down your face kind of crying. The kind you can't stop, the hurt that just seems to totally take over. I really wish you were here now. I love you.

[BridgesAndBalloons]

I know you send me messages when I feel most down, like the other day with that gift tag, I just wanted to say thank you, it helps me so much to know you're still with me in a sense. I love you and miss you Dad.

It's hard to believe it's been 16 years since you died. Time doesn't ease the pain, it simply blunts grief's knife so it hacks rather than slices, it's not quite as painful but it still hurts.

[Masquerada]

I'll let you in on a secret, yeah? When I have a shower, and the mirror fogs up with steam (you know the one upstairs, next to the towel rack you broke, because you always were that graceful =P), and I write stuff on there with my finger. Nothing much, I'm no good with words when it comes to this, and the mirror's pretty small anyway. But I write that I love you, that I miss you. Sometimes just a heart, little things. I guess it's pretty dumb. But I do them for you, you know. There are messages like that all over my room, only in places Dad wouldn't see, like carved into the back of my bookshelf, and on the wall behind my bed. Talking to the sky, and stuff. I don't really know what to do, to be honest. A part of me just really wants you to know, because I don't think you did, you can't have. You wouldn't have done it if you did, right? I hope you can hear me; I talk to you a lot. I hope you're watching over me, though at the same time, I don't think you'd like what you'd see. Only you'd love me anyway, cause you always did, even when I was a complete bitch. I just never let you, and I'm sorry. I really am. It was just really ****ing hard, and it seemed the easiest way to cope, to block it all out and simplify it and be all defensive and make out like it didn't matter, that I didn't care, that it was going to be just fine. But I never really meant it. You have no idea how much I regret it, either.

But either way, it's not good enough mum. I need to talk to you, to hug you, to hear you tell me it'll be okay. I'm not sure I can believe anyone else right now. As much as we fought, as shitty as things were, you really did have this way of understanding me, more than I ever really realized. Maybe that's why I feel so empty, so alone, now. You're gone, and you took that with you. You don't know quite what a mess you left behind, you know.

I'm not okay. I'm not over it. I'm not coming to terms with ****. You should be here. It should never have happened. I should never have let it happen. You should be here. I need you here. I ****ing miss you, more than you'll ever know. I can't do any of this without you.

It'll be your birthday soon, Tuesday. You could have lived to over twice your age, that hurts, just how ****ing unfair it all is. You didn't even mean to do it, I know you didn't. Maybe God thought it was time to put you out of it all, but I know you didn't mean to, not really. I hope it's as good as they say up there, I have trouble believing stuff like that right now. I hope it's beautiful, and that you'll never have to hurt again. You've had enough of that. Sometimes I think about joining you there, but you'd hate to hear that. I mean really hate it, you'd fight the angels, start a riot. I'm sorry for that, but like I said, you really don't get quite what a mess you left behind.

You know what gets me even more? I knew something was wrong, that whole Easter, and I did **** all. But you were alright last time I saw you, that Friday. Good Friday, ironically enough. >.< You were talking about Paris, and all that jazz. We could have gone. We could have done so ****ing much. We could've gone wherever you wanted, whatever you needed to get out of all of that ****. I would have come running if I'd known.

You could have been here for Christmas, to start a new year. You could have been here to watch me grow another year older, without you. You could have had yours. You're going to miss out on so much, and you have no idea how much I do and will miss you, forever.

Everything seems pretty **** without you to be honest, even happier things have a bitch of a bittersweet kick to them, though they're not too common nowadays really. I have to go see a counsellor a fair bit now, and she says things get better, but I'm not sure if I believe her. I really just need to hear you again, like that night before the funeral, and that would be enough. Please?

I love you. I really ****ing love you. I never stopped.

Love always,
Rach xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Rodolphus]

Uncle Martin.

I wish you were around to meet Zed.
You'd have ****ing loved her.

One of the best and strongest thoughts I have at the moment is that you'd be proud of me and you'd be happy for me. And for that, I cannot thank you enough.

I miss you daily and that will never change. No matter how many months, years, even decades, pass, I will always miss you more and more every day. I hope you can hear me when I stand outside and talk to the stars.

I'll visit your grave and bring you the first daffodil I see, okay?
I promise.

Always, your loving neice.
Marie.

[Masquerada]

i'm hurting mummy. rescue me? x