I wish I could tell my parents what my support worker said yesterday about how I've made the most progress she's known anyone to make, how I've gone from being completely disabled by my mental health to just about free of problems. You'd both be proud of me Mum and Dad, but to tell you that would mean letting you in to just how ill I was and that would only cause you pain.
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
Mum...Dad...I will never be good enough for you. Ill never be as good as golden boy even though he doesnt give a shit about anybody but himself. Im sorry, but i can only try so hard, i can only do so much, if you dont like me you dont like me, thats all there is to it. Im sick of trying to achieve something unachievable. Im sorry you didnt get what you wanted with me... but I am who I am and if you cant love me for the person i am then theres no point in us trying. I dont have a family anymore. I accept this. So long as ive got her... i can manage.
i wish you were here right now, i wish you would hold me, or hug me, or hold my hand. you have no idea how much i need that in my life, i dont know how it feels.
There there baby, it's just text book stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up...
"My mom was telling me I should go out with you."
Why
"She said you are polite and respectful, funny and kind, and that you already treat me like a queen and give me anything I ask for"
What did you say to her
"I told her I didnt want to lose you as a friend"
---
Probably for the best, I honestly dont know what I want anymore but going out with you would undermine everything Ive been trying to get you to understand the last few weeks. I just wish you would understand that I wont abandon you.
Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
I'm going to fail my A levels tomorrow.
I'm going to end up without a uni place.
I'm going to have wasted years and years of working hard, only to fall at the last hurdle because I can no longer get a grip on myself and my f*cked up head.
WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?
YOU'VE RUINED IT.
Kits (tatty kitty) is my Evanescence loving sis!
I've woken now to find myself In the shadows of all I have created... Won't you take me away from me
--JUST PISS OFF.
All of you, seriously.
I don't give a damn at the moment,
there are more important things in my life.
I'm finding it so hard to care about things like this.
AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
its been 5 months now.
5 months.
i miss you so much, and i still love you, as much as ever.
but i'm stasrting to hurt a bit more now, because i cant remember your voice all that clearly.
i remember your smell. the other day, i found one of your t shirts, it smelt of you, i was reduced to tears in an instant.
i love you, lauren.
i love you with all of my heart.
you are my everything.
why did we end?
why is SHE so great?
how long had it been going on for?
what happened?
i've got myself in a situation.
i've now got a boyfriend.
i only said yes, becuase we had become 'friends with benefits'
and hes the only person i really have atm.
its nice to have a cuddle.
i dont want a relationship.
especialy with a boy. it feels so wrong?!
i just didn't want to loose him.
i dont want to loose the little i have.
but im only going to hurt him, as i cant do this?
cos lauren, i'm in love with you.
i'll always love you.
i still have my engagement ring.
i wonder what you did with yours?
i often dream.
of my funeral.
i imagine what it would be like.
i love thinking about it.
i imagine some amazing song in the background general decor, a funky coffin, my family are keeping it as cheery as possible, i imagine the speeches and everything about it makes me want it. though im not sure why, cos i'd obviously not be there to experience it. i just love the thought of it happening. i just want that final party.
but you know what hurts the most.
i KNOW who will be at my funeral.
and the only people that would possibly come are.
my mum and dad, sister and brother, gran and grandad, and then the few family members im not close with. and sam.
maybe P and D will be there, but my family dont know about them, so wouldn't contact.
so there we have it no more than 15 people.
its pathetic.
i'm so fucking lonely.
why am i such a bad person?
i must be?
to have ended up so lonely, i must not be a good person to be around.?
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
I didnt think Id freak out as much as I did at that situation. But all I could think about was Brighton. Which was ridiculous given it was a safe environment with other people I know...but I couldnt help it, I freaked out and I couldnt handle it and i dont know why.
Seriously now, this is just getting pathetic. Get over yourself. You annoy the hell out of me, and I really couldn't care less about what you do or don't do. Hell, I don't even think I believe a word that comes out of your fucking annoying mouth. Honestly. Get over yourself. Not everything is about you.
I need to change everything I am. I don't think I can do that.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
What's wrong with me? finally I have the perfect therapist. He seems to understand my issues. Even seems to care. But still I can't be honest to him. I just can't stop lying........and I don't even know why.
Every time when I sit in my car I make a perfect plan, what I am gonna say. Tell the truth, tell everything. I even say it out loud. But the second I step in his office, my mouth is dry, my hands are sweaty, I start shaking all over and I can't, I just can't. I am so embarrased............
I don’t understand you. I don’t understand why you do it.
Every time I seem to be close enough to someone to trust them, you come along and seem to spirit them of into your little peppy girl façade. You don’t deserve them. They’re too good for you. I trust no one these days. You’re the reason why. I’m afraid as soon as I trust someone and tell them something, you’ll run along and take them away from me. Half of my scars are about you and your so-called best friends.
One day you don’t even talk to them, the next your so tight your pretty much sisters.
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
You fucked us up. Forget me.
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
