The duty doc saw me. She said I needed to go to A&E to get the wounds restitched/stapled but I just wanted to get home, not spend 6 hours in A&E.
She finally accepted that I wasn't going to go so just put a load of steri strips on them and bandaged them up.
I got home, much needed shower and food and am going to try and sleep.
I'm exhausted for some reason!
The condition of me being discharged is that I have to see the crisis team. They know I can't do the day hospital.
Having my CPA tomorrow too. Gah!
I'm still questioning whether or not I should be alive. I'm not sure it's the right thing. But too tired to think about it now
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Sorry to bump this, I was debating whether or not to make a thread in serious but I know I already make far too many threads as it is!
I'm not having such a great time. I was feeling ok yesterday before my CPA, but then stuff was said there and then I wasn't feeling too good.
I'm seeing my CPN with the crisis team tomorrow to work out a plan to keep me 'safe'.
'Contingency plan' she said. Which is a worrying phrase in itself.
I don't know what to expect or what to ask tomorrow.
I know they are thinking about anti psychotics to 'help' with the spirits/others. So i'm worried that they think it's psychosis.
And I don't want to be on more medication.
I also don't want to go back to hospital and they are a lot more concerned than they have been before about various things.
sorry for rambling
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I understand all those worries. I know our situations and history are very different, but i found i've felt alot better now i've accepted maybe they do know best and i decided to do what they say...
Sometimes letting someone else have the control is better for us. Maybe you need the break?
I disagree with a lot of what the MH team say, because they don't believe the reality of things.
That day and a half I spent on the ward was awful. I had forgotten how trapped and helpless it feels to have everything taken away. They said I was getting agitated and wanted to give me an injection and wouldn't believe me when I said I could calm myself down if they just left me alone.
They wanted to take my bag (because of the strap) and the sheets and pillowcase and curtains etc.
I couldn't go to the toilet without someone being in with me, when I was in the 136 suite I had to have a nearly cold cup of tea (in case I threw it at them) and drink it with my hands cuffed in front of me.
Because I have such a history with MH and hospitals, they will always read my notes and they will always be on edge around me.
That's why they pointed out right at the start, if there was the slightest hint of trouble, I would be sent to a more secure unit.
The thought of hospital now nearly triggers a panic attack,trapped, they don't listen to you and then they drug you up whether you agree or not, you spend all day sitting on the same chair because there is nowhere else to go and nothing else to do and the only thing to look forward to are meals and fag breaks. Patients scream and accuse you of random things for no reason, you look at someone the wrong way and they will hold a grudge for the rest of your time there.
I would rather die than go back there.
Sorry for rambling again, just, I don't know.
The crisis team called earlier to see how I was. Of course I said I was fine.
Got the meeting tomorrow at 2:30.
I need to be out in case I need to do something else or in case something happens. I need to have that freedom. I'm no use to anyone if I'm locked up.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I can appreciate the dislike of hospitals really I can, I think when you feel that fear of being back in one utilise it as a motivator to get better and not have that risk. Thinking of you lovely you know you can always ring me if you need a chat xxx
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I understand why they are worried, but if they really understood the reality of this, then they wouldn't be doing all this crisis team stuff.
It's frustrating.
The only thing I can think of doing now is just keeping my mouth shut, like I should have done in the first place. Because now they will just be on my case all the time.
I wish I could make them understand!
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
If only they could see through your eyes, Beckie. I hope the meeting goes well tomorrow- can you tell them what the reality is for you without causing further problems for yourself?
I know that feeling of wishing you'd never said anything at all *offers hand to hold*
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I don't know how to explain it to them. I know it all must seem crazy to them.
And there's only so much I can say until the spirits/others get pissed.
I'm currently distracting myself by doing one of my epic house cleans.
I usually clean solidly for hours without taking a break and end up nearly passing out, but I'm actually taking breaks today, even if it is just for a cigarette and a drink! Its more than I normally do.
I'm annoyed because my mum told me that in the social workers report it said that they are waiting for my decision about contact with my step dad and me and Jasmine. The social worker has not actually asked me about this at all but once again is making out like they are waiting for me and I'm the one holding things up. I can't believe they keep getting away with this.
But I'll contact my solicitor about it today and send an email to the SW saying I haven't been asked about it so I have some evidence, because she will say that she has asked me.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
The crisis team came with my cpn and I told them I was feeling ok so the crisis team discharged me! :D
They said that they'll have a plan in place so I can immediately see them short term because long term doesn't help because I get annoyed :p
The only problem that they saw with that was that I don't ever realise when I'm in crisis and just think everyone is overreacting!
So they are going to have a professionals meeting very soon to discuss stuff amongst themselves with psych and crisis team etc
Hate those meetings because I know they are talking about me but I can't be there!
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
