It's starting to dawn on me. The fact that I'll have to tell you this. I've never had this problem before. But now? I'm so scared of you thinking less of me. Thinking I'm one of them. One of those people. I'm worthless. Weak. Pathetic.
I'm so scared you won't understand. Or you won't want to understand. Mostly that you'll treat me different. Or you'll find me as repulsive as I find myself. I hate them. They're a constant reminder of all the mistakes I made.
I'm so scared.
i really dgaf about what happens to my body anymore don't you get that!? it's been cut up, fucked up, beat up, and sick to the point of vomiting... isn't it obvious already that i don't care about my body? i don't care if that's "not good for me", my body can take more than you think. I like being tired to the point of insanity. i like working through a cold and the feeling a heavy fever gives me. i like feeling so dizzy that i throw up. i stopped cutting myself... good... now i have a natural way of hurting myself, and i fucking like it! so back off until you understand my need to injur myself... till then just shut up cause you don't know what you're talking about
I'm sorry i dont give you the support you need and deserve i'm a crap friend. i'm scared i'm going to lose you. i wish you could see what i see in you.
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i'm scared to ask you about it in case you're started and its my fault. the alternative isnt much better though- that you're looking into it because you're worried about me. either way. don't. please.
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i could've written almost all of that myself. wish i had answers for both of us.
I want to just walk into number 1 and tell her.
But I can't.
She doesn't need this right now.
I want her to know. But I don't want her to know, too.
I don't know what to do.
I can't face the idea of going to this stupid party on Saturday. She may be your friend but she's not mine, she treats me like dirt, gives me filthy looks, talks to me like I'm a million miles beneath her, and has you twisted round your little finger that you don't even believe me. If she's so wonderful, and kind and lovely, dump me and date her instead! Cause I'm just a bitter, grudge holding, anti-social cow anyway.
If this is all a dream and you're not quite what you seem then I'll sleep in vain
People have different learning styles, cope and adapt.
People have different communication styles, cope and adapt.
The outcome of learning is knowledge, not grades.
Nothing is a "problem" it's a "challenge".
Life does not equal fair. Life equals "fun challenges."
The rubber band can only stretch so far before it snaps back. (Stress is temporary.)
Bell curve: Over a long enough period of time, life evens out.
Nothing is random.
Even the best fall down sometimes.
In the eyes of institutional personel (i.e.: Teachers) no one is special or unique. Different faces, same issues, same resolution.
Role models will fail you.
In a year, you've taught me all of these. Some of them I'm still struggling with. In a year, you've taught me a bunch of academic crap I promise I will forget soon enough. In a year you have taught me to trust, to like, to tolerate and to forgive. In a day, you taught me being vulnerable is a horrible idea. You proved to me that I don't matter. You showed me that I am nothing special. However, this is my perception and my thing to handle. You showed me how to be strong and to take life as it comes. You taught me by example how to be tough and how to be soft. You showed me by example that it's ok to break sometimes. You showed me that even the strongest people will fall apart. You showed me. Sometimes, I wish I wouldn't have ever known you. It's much easier with people like my Psych teacher. I don't know her. I don't want to know her. I don't care. You, I learned to care about. You, I learned to respect. Now that I don't want to care anymore, now that I don't want to give a damn what you do to yourself, I can't stop. I will learn though. I will learn. It will take sometime, but I will learn.
I am well aware that you are aware of this site. I even assume that you've seen some of my posts...simply because I didn't think about it before I put this sites name in my midterm paper. So, if you do wind up reading this, great...whatever. I'm dealing with this...and I will deal with everything this quarter on my own.
Thanks for the strengths you taught me and the weaknesses you show me. ...You roll your sleeves down further now.
This is what I wanted, right? Wrong. Turns out that I want you to be with her because being with her is what has made you happy. I don't want to be the reason to see you feeling down. I'll help you through it if worse does come to worse, but I'm wishing for you to stay with her now instead of the other. I'll be here waiting for you no matter what.
I don't think having another baby is right, right now. Your first child wont deal with it very well and I don't want her to have an unhappy childhood like mine. I'll always be here for her and only her; I'll love the new baby, but never as much as the one you already have.
I know it doesn't always seem this way, but I want you to know that I'm proud of you. Even if I don't always show it, I am so proud. You're doing so well, and you've come so far, it's incredible. You're more than good enough, more than anyone could ever wish for. You've done what I can't. And it's more than good enough. Be proud of yourself. Even you must realize how amazing what you've accomplished is. I'm sorry I've made it harder, I never intended to. But even with me holding you back, you've done great things. I am proud of you. And you should be too.
I love you. More than you could ever know.
I know I'm a bitch, I'm sorry, but you should know when to stay away from me.
I can't handle these feelings and i can't control my actions.
But i still need someone. I need help.
There, i said it.
Happy now?
"Be nice. Think happy thoughts. Champion silver linings. Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens) & when you do love - love like they do in power ballads (you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know love like this). Watch out for dog poo. Smile at people - even grumpy ones. Remember anything is possible & whatever you do always try to look on the bright side."
I want to disappear.
I'll start here.
I won't leave the site. I need it sometimes.
But don't talk to me. And if you do, don't expect an answer.
I'm freeing you all.
No more talking to Kuwairo. She's a brick wall.
You do not know what this is like.
I can feel all this slipping away.Everything.
I'm left with nothing, it feels like.
Not even myself, or who i used to be, what i used to be able to do.
You asked me what happened to me.
I don't know.
I used to be able to do this, to cope.
But i can't now.
And i know how pathetic that is.
I'm sorry.
