i ended up in the emergency after 24th. but i wasnt sent to the ward for no apparent reason. dkwhy. new years went great. we havent got snow though. only in the mountains but not like last year when we had 30+ cm with it. havent been here in a while. made me think bad things about myself for not posting anything. i really wanted to go to the ward so i could sneak away some sleep pills. then today i met someone that works at the ward and she said i should opportune myself by using the user controlled bed i have. but im not feeling like i want to do anything. i cant even sit in my bed. and i have nothing to do. i wanted to draw something two days ago. but i didnt have any paper. day in day out boooooring. i tried sleeping on the floor like i did last time i was depressed. kinda worked cause its warm and made me feel good.
sometimes i feel like i could cry forever
a river of pain and lifeless blood
i would cry forever
and let the agony flow away
i will cry forev er
the pain doesn't cease; neither will the blood
crying forever
maybe someday, when my tears stop, my soul will too
i am crying forever
my body is racked with the guilty sinking
and as the bright colors swirl around me
i evanesce into my gray world
i cried forever
no one to stop me
my tears never ended
instead of stopping the tears...i stopped my heart.
I am tired of the family issues, being left alone, and being run over and pulled in every direction. I joked with one of my coworkers (he knows some of what I go through) that I wanted to trash a room for fun... now I kinda want to. And the idea of me being back on meds is raising its ugly head again... fook that. I just want to give up. I dint want this at all.
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
I have not been about recently not been that great was in hospital for a over night stay.
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
So much tension and stuff... I just want it all to stop. Make it go away! *cries*
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
I just need to emotionally detach... badly. I am emotionally unstable and I can't do much about it
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
