I'm sorry mum, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm a fuck-up, I'm sorry all I do is ruin you and the little ones' lives. I'm sorry I'm failing college, I'm sorry I dnt come home some nights, I'm sorry I fall asleep at random times for no reason at all. And most of all, I'm sorry you gave birth to me, cos if you didn't, your life would be a lot easier.
I love you, x
i'm sorry we don't speak anymore. i need to talk to you. you won't listen to me. you hate me. i miss you. i still love you, i'll never admit to it, goodbye, i'll never speak to you again, i love you
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
Daniel,
I'm having a hard time at the moment and I don't expect you to understand. I can't do most of my college work because I'm too distracted with cutting myself. Every time I sit down to do the work you've set me (Or Carrie, or Steve), I freak. I can't start it, I can't finish it. then when I don't do my essays, I cut myself again because I've failed you all. I have no idea how I'll get through my AS levels, let alone my A2 levels. So, I'm sorry when my work's in late. Or when I can't concentrate in lessons. Or when I look like I'm about to cry right there and then. It's just because I'm scared, so God damn much and I think about the failure that I'm causing myself and everyone else. I'm so so sorry and I want to get better to be able to learn. But this isn't my new start. I don't know when that will be. So until then, please just understand that my life isn't as simple as I make it out to be when I smile and take notes.
Kay.
"From seeing the worst to loving the strongest; People grow over time."
I am so tired. So tired I'm already struggling to keep up with uni work. But my mood isn't that low, it's just pure exhaustion. However if I carry on being this shattered my mood will plummet and the thought of that terrifies me.
I'm sorry I'm not the girl you want me to me, mum. I'm sorry that I have not turned out the way you wanted me to. I'm sorry that you were inflicted with me instead of the perfect little girl you wanted. I will not inflict myself upon you much longer; I'll go away and you'll never have to deal with me again.
I'm sorry I've fallen for you, G. I know I shouldn't have, and I'm still keeping myself very concealed and making sure I don't fall badly for you; you'll never know this, but I'm only holding on for you. I know you'd care and look after me but I can't tell you because I don't want to risk what you and your girlfriend have. Sorry, G. I do not want to hurt anybody.
Judy, I need you in my life for hope. Please believe me. Please don't hate me. It's not that I've been lying on purpose. I just never knew I had a problem.
I want to get better.
I'm getting your call back tomorrow after school and I'm going to say those four f'ing words if it kills me. This is controlling and taking over me.
xxx
Sometimes, I just wish something would go right for me. And yeah, I'm being selfish and self pittying, whatever. Right now I really couldn't care less. Right now, quite frankly I'd like to die. I'd like to just forget everything, not have to feel ever again. But before that I want a really painful death, just to get it all out of the way, and to punish myself for not being able to get through this. I've started planning. No one knows. Well it wouldn't be a very good plan if they did would it? And it's not a very detailed plan yet. All I know is that I don't want anyone else to be involved. I don't want anyone to discover me, and I don't want anyone to witness it in any way. Which kind of makes planning the most painful death I can that much harder. It rules out a lot actually. Trains, bridges, electricity. Which begs the question what, exactly am I going to do? I'll figure it out somehow I guess. The truth is, I wish I had the guts to say this to you. Or anyone that could possibly stop me. But I don't because I'm too much of a coward to carry on llike this. I just wanted to let it out, because this secret has been eating me up for so long now. And I wondered if writing it down or saying it out loud would make it that little bit easier...It hasn't. And I want to apologise now, because I won't give you any warning. Just know I love you with all my heart darling and I'm sorry that it's come to this.
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
I don't get why you think I'd talk to you.
You can be so rude.
I don't like talking to rude people.
Especially not about the workings of my brain.
Thanks for the concern though.
Stop pretending to be my friend.
Stop using me.
Stop only talking to me when I'm okay.
I need people to help me. my friends.
But you guys aren't friends anymore.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggtring
I only sleep with you so i feel self worth. I am a whore. End of. And now Im drunk. I need to do it again.to make myself feel like the whore I am.
Last edited by Embles : 07-10-2008 at 04:02 PM.
Reason: Now Im sober, I can type it normally!
We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.
hanging out with you makes me so happy.
but please don't ask questions about the therapy and stuff.
i want to be different to you. i don't wanna be that girl that got fucked over and does drugs and cuts and is completely fucked up.
i want you to think of me as who i wanna be, not who they think i am.
so do me a favor and stick around.
i really think you're the one worth changing for.
this time she said, it's over
she said next time, forever
i can't explain, i'll take the blame.
i brought this all on myself.
visions that i've seen
always haunt me in my dreams
they say that you two just friends,
oh, but that's not the way it seems
now it's not like i'm trying to be up all night,
just trying to come to terms with all the love i've lost.
I need you. So much I need you. Without you, it's so hard to hold on. I don't know if I can anymore.
Please, tell me everything's okay. Tell me you love me. For my sake. I need you.
The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. -BtVS
My RYL Family:
Chloe (Fade-To-Grey) is my big sister!
Akira is my big brother!
Gemma (*Fallen*Stars*) is my other big sister!
Last edited by Puppet Strings : 07-10-2008 at 03:36 PM.
Reason: Removed parts of it, as it's general flaming of the community as a whole. Please vent frustrations less publically. x
Friends are supposed to care for their friends. I have held up my side for long enough. What happened to the other side of the bargain? You guys really fook me up...
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
My RYL Family:
