I'm trying so hard to move forwards, break the barriers of my physical and mental illness, push myself, but I'm really exhausted and scared I'm not gonna make it
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
I’d rather cut off my own fingers than go to this bastard wedding. I hate dressing up, big crowds, people I’ve not seen for years or never met and most of all I hate dancing. Stupid tradition.
You always shut me up and never let me talk when I try! You say I use self deprication as a coping strategy but I'm this way because you never give me space to express myself unless it's light hearted or I'm offering you advice.
Just shut me up again so you could sleep but now I fucking can't and am silent crying so not to ruin your day further. I apologise for being a stain on your ideal life! I wish it had never happened that I'd moved out at 18 so you could get a man and have a better time and was more able to spend money on yourself.
But you know what, I know my story I've never told it in full but I wish I could because I'm thirty next year and the perpetrators who made my life a living hell stole my life from me, they stole my innocence, my hope and fractured my mind. I don't recall much of the last ten years and it's not improved much, my life is hopeless and im sick of fighting every darned day to please you in whatever way is necessary to get by.
I just want peace, I'm tired
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
The time you spent here was absolutely fucking horrific, and I do resent you for many many things, but I don't think I can hold on to the grudge about the time you tried to tell me the GP surgery was practicing eugenics because your blood test results weren't available for a week after you forced me to take you to the GP because your boobs hurt, without chuckling. So that's progress. I hope you heal, and I hope you have a care team that doesn't take any of your 'too mad to do things you don't want to' bullshit.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
still awake and wondering if it is a sign of maturity or infatuation that I came to the conclusion that I want to be a good friend more than I want to be right/win this fictitious argument
I love how after all the bullshit you’ve pulled you still feel qualified to tell me I should close the window because storms are forecast. I literally told you about the forecast. It’s not raining yet and I opened the window because the house was hot. It may surprise you, but I wasn’t planning on just allowing a whole thunderstorm in to the house. I’m not you.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I spent so long wishing I could live on my own but now I do I find it so hard maintaining it and I can’t do this. Everything is so expensive and I blew through my savings getting the place finished, it looks amazing but can’t help feel guilty about how much I spent on it. I’m sorry
I hope you heal. I know you won't because you'll never admit to doing what you do, and you can't fathom a world in which you are not some martyr, inspiring the world with your heroics despite the odds, even though at this point the 'odds' are largely fabricated. The trouble is, when you are called out you simply move on to the next sucker until they too become a Big Bad Person. I wonder if one day you'll look back at your wake of destruction and contemplate the idea that maybe you weren't the innocent victim you try to be.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I need you to take this seriously
No one ever takes it seriously until shit goes down.
Please don’t say that I didn’t reach out, that I wasn’t honest, that I didn’t ask for help because I’ve been fucking begging.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
All the darkest, blackest thoughts in my mind enter my head because of you.
I'm bitter and I'm irritated. Let's just say it was ironic explaining the concept of narcissism to you today.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
‘They didn’t specify three times a day they just said every eight hours so I might not give it to her tonight’
‘Every eight hours literally means three times a day’
‘Well she seems fine and they only said every eight hours’
‘She’s fine because of the meds that they told you to give her three times a day’
‘They didn’t say three times a day they said every eight hours’
Ffs, just say that you can’t be arsed to give your cat her painkillers, because whatever point you’re trying to make here is nonsense.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Please give me a sign you’re still out there. I need some sort of connection to you.
I keep reaching my hand in the dark for you and you’re not there.
My heart aches.
Please come back. I’m begging you.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
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