I love you. I want to spend my life with you. I want you to be the half that makes me whole. I want you close. I want you to be my little spoon under soft blankets. I want the raging arguments and the silly laughter. I want your ring on my finger, my ring on yours. Bound together forever. But this will never come to pass. And so I cry.
Secretly I want to self harm. To balance things out. To write off this day but still hurt at the end of it because that makes it okay.
The past keeps a hold of you.
It starts off a yo-yo which does't end well.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
"Your art has potential but it' not there yet, I'm not going to tell you your grade because you'll worry about it" -- art teacher
"We're going to Turkey for a week during the summer, but you're not coming because you cost too much money - and it's not like you can wear shorts and a t-shirt anyway" --dad
"Go kill yourself" --mum
" It was your fault, nobody believes you and now because of you lying and causing trouble, your Grandma has died" --my aunty
"You need to learn how to draw" --art teacher
"If you self harm again, we can't let you come to college anymore. We can't deal with you"--head of sixth
I WANT TO GIVE UP
"I want you to listen to me very carefully. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to"
Triggers everywhere.
It's not even been an effing week since the euphoria of saying I'm done with self harm. It's all I'm being urged to do right now. Tell me I can quit my job to make things easier to cope with. Tell me you want me to leave or I'm fired?
Why am I so stupid? What does that mean?
It means that she didn't spiral into a cycle of self-loathing.
Rant, rant, rant and this doesn't mean anything but if it's going to be like this every night I'd rather die (that doesn't mean anything).
Are you happy? Give up now.
It's these kinds of feelings that lead to polarisation and that leads to far away lands in attempts to disappear.
Can't even make the decision about whether to go to bed and let myself calm down or continue the fruitless illusion that I'm stable enough to achieve anything.
EDIT: People are in hospital and I'm moaning about whether to go to bed or not. Pretty much sums me up.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Things are getting beyond bad and I'm too scared to ask for the help I think I might need. I can't keep myself safe much longer, this is going to end very badly.
Hunni, I love you, but you need to go to specsavers. Like, urgently. Wtf were you even thinking? I just refuse to even believe it, because no, just no. You could have anyone and you pick that? Like I know I'm ugly and homeless looking too but that's why I'm single and always will be. I'll destroy him for hurting you though. Why can't you just f**king be mine whats the point of me living if I can't have the only person I love. Or think I love, whatever. Then again we'd just kill each other, two diva drama queens lol. But I do love you. With all my little broken heart and soul...but I'm just a waste of space. And I'm just waiting to die at this stage. Please "soon"
i wish someone understood what i'm going through. really understood.
i wish they knew just how scared i was to go outside every single day. i wish they knew how sometimes things trigger me before i even realize it. i wish they understood how ashamed i am of myself.
Will you quit talking about your sex life for once?? I really could care less and I just don't want to see it anymore. Don't tell me about it, don't message me about it, don't even rant to me about it. It just makes me more sad about my life, as if I can't get any more sad.
When I'm gone, are you gonna miss me? Are you even listening? Do you even care about anything at all?
Everything is wrong today and I hate being disabled today I really do.
My father's basically effed off and is clearly happy to be shot of us. Then I have a mother who regularly tells us that she's ashamed of us, that we're losers, that we're thick and stupid.
Last edited by Moonlight Princess : 24-04-2015 at 03:54 PM.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Don't open your big mouth Kiran okay, shut up.
I can't be a nice person for even one second.
Last edited by Moonlight Princess : 24-04-2015 at 06:46 PM.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
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whats the point of me living if I can't have the only person I love. Or think I love, whatever. Then again we'd just kill each other, two diva drama queens lol. But I do love you. With all my little broken heart and soul...but I'm just a waste of space. And I'm just waiting to die at this stage. Please "soon"
