You dare to take advantage of me, continue to take advantage of me, even without contact, and you STILL do.
Going over your phone bill which comes out of MY account, by 30 odd quid, you can fuck right off.
You are beyond immature.
47 & my nephew is more mature and responsible than you.
I have NOT and WILL NOT pay for your phone bill, I want that fucking money & the debt PAID IN FULL, and YOU OUT OF MY DAMN FUCKING LIFE FOR GOOD.
I'm not having you "take me for a ride".
You can FALL OFF THE FUCKING RIDE.
And trying to make me feel guilty and bad for you yesterday.
"Oh, well, I may have appendicitis, I have to go to hospital, I don't want to, I'm in so much pain."
Trying to make me feel sorry for you.
Which you did.
Congratulations.
You still got under my skin.
And when I said I don't want any contact with you, and can't be your friend, you said ;
"Oh never mind about my feelings then, never mind that I am crying my eyes out and heart broken".
BOO FUCKING HOO.
WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE TO ME?!
WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID AND DONE AND HURT ME AND UPSET ME AND BROKEN ME MORE THAN ONCE AND PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, VERBALLY FUCKED ME OVER AND AROUND AND AROUND LIKE I AM SOME FUCKING PLAY THING, SOME TOY!
I am FUCKING FUMING.
Yes, okay, it is NOT just about this phone bill, and you going over yet again, and me not being able to have enough money to cover it and being scared you won't pay it and me ending up screwed yet again,
but this is the LAST straw that has broken through this wall I've been putting up
& it's finally falling down
& everything I've been feeling is now bubbling to the surface,
and I feel rage, I feel upset, I feel anger, I feel tearful, I feel like a fucking fool, a dickhead, I feel like a right damn idiot, I feel agitated, I feel everything and anything,
yet numb at the same time,
how is that possible?
I fucking fucking fucking don't know anymore what to do about any of this, I need to get rid of every ounce of her in my life, that's the only time I will be actually free.
Entirely utterly free.
----------------
Iloveyouloveofmylifetime.
Thank you for everything...you're just, you're incredible.
I can't explain in words how you make me feel.
Love is that way,
the way where words cannot describe it,
the actual intensity, the vibrantness, the warmness, the happiness, the contentment, the joy, the pure utter amazing incredible feelings and your soul finally complete...
I love you.
I've always loved you.
I always will love you. Fiancee.
I want to be good. I want to make you feel loved and stop being such a bitch all the fucking time. I'm sick of talking about myself. I know I frustrate you by being convinced you're not okay, I hate this attention on myself. I appreciate you more than I can express without sounding ridiculous/cheesy or just making a mess of it. So much.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
I'm so proud of you, okay? You are brave and beautiful and I am right here always <3
I'm going to work so hard for us. I can't wait.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I'm torn between wanting the medication to work so I can get some peace and being terrified of taking it in case I miss something important from you and someone gets hurt. I don't know what to do.
No mum, I'm not okay but I don't know how to tell you that. I feel I have to protect you and B, I don't want to worry him when he's about to go off to uni. I'm not texting back because I don't know how to explain that things are not okay and I'm scared.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I don't understand how I can be dependant on u as I haven't been under u for a year n a half n only been up ane for my own safety 3 times since jam I'm confused n angry but that cud b the lack of sleep talking
Please stop screaming. I don't like being your mummy on days like today. In fact, I hate it. I'm sorry I'm not your daddy, and I'm not even a close substitute :'(
Nobody knows, nobody cares that I die on the inside
Nobody sees the lie that is me, as I smile on the outside
it's been over two years since you've been around, and i still think about the last message you sent, and trying to add you on Skype or email and see how you're doing.
i'm not angry anymore. i'm not still in love. i'm not hurt by you.
but i still miss our friendship. i miss it every single day.
i wish we had never been in a relationship. i wish i still had our friendship. i feel like it's something i will never be able to find again.
I'm so paranoid wat was said between mum n Lucy she's gona think I'm a freak n it will be on my file I hate u for doing this I know it's ur job but I'm so angry ur suppose to be on my side
I need to quit therapy. Not talk to anyone. Push everyone away.
This isn't helping what I am doing, I need to try something different so maybe if I disappear off into the world then I will be better?
T doesn't know. I should not show up to our session on Tuesday. She is so worried, I know she is but she can't help me. I don't think anyone can.
I need to call my pdoc's consulting suites on Monday and cancel my apt. He can't help me and I shouldn't bother him anymore. I lied my way out of hospital (again) and there is nothing more anyone can do for me. I need to be dead.
I need to talk to my friend T and make sure she is still happy to look after my kitty Zoe for me. I know she will but I have to be sure. I can't not have a loving home for Zoe to go to. She is too important to me. I have to make sure she will be looked after and cared for.
Spoke to L last night and we are going to catch up when she gets back from her holiday. That will be nice. I havn't seen her in many years. It saddens me I havn't seen her in so long.
But first thing I have to do, have lunch and get ready for this meeting I have to attend. Pretend that I am fine and coping with this whole 'life' thing. My parents think I am coping, friends who don't really know me well think I am coping... hell if I just saw the outside of me I'd think I was coping well too!
But nobody see's all the tears that are cried at night. The pain and sadness that consumes me. The longing for someone to just be there and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.. instead though they tiptoe around me with empty words telling me that I am strong and that I can survive in life and keep fighting.. in all honesty though I think they are the ones who are really scared and struggling the most, because at least I know where I am headed in life, at least I know the truth about me..
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Your my best friend but I'm so angry at u copying or wateva u want to call it cutting ur bits n ending up in ane y y not talk to me is it because u like the attention from the nurses n drama u will tell everyone about this
But as as a loyal friend I'm say here with u again listening to ur bullshit I can't take it I'll b glad wen u go to rehab even though u don't need it but it will give me a break n chance for me to develop as a person
![[Luna]'s Avatar](image.php?s=36ca0df06d422d2891999bdc102c5366&u=32920&dateline=1692390196)
