I'm so scared of food. Walk to the kitchen, cue tidal wave of random, irrational, uninteresting thoughts. I wish I had a normal relationship with food. The one good thing about that year at bloody Barts was that I had food that I liked and wasn't scared of and if I wanted to eat, I damn well went to the kitchen and got myself a giant bowl of cereal or a jam and cheese toastie (unless there were people in the kitchen obviously :P) and I didn't want to curl up in a ball and weep.
I don't even care about being thin any more. I just don't want to be scared.
You'll get there. I'll help. Let's make a plan later with some ideas on how to make it easier?
A you really are a lovely young man and not a weirdo as I first thought. I probably only came to that conclusion because it made it easier for me to keep you, or anyone, at a distance. But here is the thing: I don't like you romantically and probably never will. I don't know whether that's actually true or a byproduct of my abject fear of letting anyone actually get close to me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for a relationship because I find that kind of physical intimacy uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. I think it's that at the beginning of my friendships I am an extremely private person and I find it quite...incredible to think that you will just seize my hand and kiss it without a moment's thought, how you think nothing of holding hands so conspicuously in public. I find it so intense that I feel paralysed. I know it's completely ridiculous because you're only holding my hand.
You wear your heart on your sleeve and that scares me. How you can be so emotionally expressive is beyond me. It's a skill I don't posess in the slightest.
I hope one day I will be able to have a relationship without feeling terrified but I don't think it will be with you
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I feel so pathetic for ever believing that you might actually like me. Why do I never learn the difference between being liked and being useful.
You schizos, Y U NEVER LEARN???
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
If you read this, I don't care ok? You've read enough to know that I'm fucking crazy. You're reading my post and hiding it, now you're invaiding me on here. Fine, go for it. What ever.
-------x
You need to grow the fuck up and stop being so jealous.
-------x
I have a medical scalpel in my bathroom, still sealed and whatnot. How fucking awkward.
why won't it stop? Why do I get good things and other people get bad things? It's not fair. I want to make it go away but I can't can't can't. I'm stuck here playing the prankster to give people a little laugh to lighten their day and try to make a few replies to offer some kind of advice or support, but ultimately I do fuck all. And I can't do anything useful because I'm just one person and if good intentions and wishes did anything at all it would help but that's not how the world works but I just wish it did ok?
I reeeeeally want to talk to you right now. Yes, that's right I meant that in a really needy and piss off annoying kind of way.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
I'm not okay. I'm breaking and no one realises. It's okay bough because I'm used to no one caring. I've always been the loser, the outcast. I don't expect that to change any time soon.
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