To L-
Help me when I deserve it the least.
Love me even when I am at my worst.
Be there for me even then.
Don’t leave me, even then.
It is easy to be there and not leave me when I am the well behaved, the good-natured person, but anyone can treat me well when I am this way.
I need you to love me and not leave me even when I am at my worst.
You may have to show me
over and over again that I have value and that you do truly love me and that you won’t leave me and that I will not destroy you,
because it takes me time to believe and trust and learn these things slowly,
very slowly…
it takes time.
And these thoughts and feelings I have, they feel like they will
destroy me.
So
please don’t be angry with me if I put these terrible feelings onto you.
Please don’t hate me if I act outwards from these feelings and thoughts.
I
try to understand your words but sometimes your words can’t reach me.
I
try to believe in your words. I
try to believe them.
I try to believe you love me.
That you won’t leave or abandon me.
That I am enough for you.
That you think I am a good person.
I
try to believe your words, and your actions.
When you hold me, when you kiss me, when you hold my hand, when you stroke my hair, when you buy me gifts, when you cuddle me, when we sleep side by side.
I try to believe it all.
But it doesn’t seem to
register within.
All I hear inside is;
“How could anyone love me?
How am I a good person?
How am I enough?
How could you not leave me?
How could you not abandon me?
How could you?”
and;
“They will leave you, just like everyone else has.
They will hurt you, just like everyone else has.
They don’t love you, they’re lying.
They don’t care.
How could anyone care or love you?
Don’t trust them, they’ll break it.
So and so said the same things, look where they are now, nowhere in sight, because they lied, they shattered you, again and again, just like it will happen again now.
They don’t mean it, they’re lying to you.
They will prove otherwise, don’t believe them.
They will leave. They always do. This is no different.”
The past proves that I
can’t trust a single soul.
The past proves that I am a
bad person.
The past proves that I am
not enough.
The past proves that
people break promises; and they do leave, and they do abandon you.
The past proves that I am
not lovable.
The past proves that I
can’t be loved.
The past proves that I
am horrible; evil, disgusting.
The past proves I am
irreversibly damaged, and broken.
The past proves
nobody would want me, or want to be with me, or want me in their life.
The past proves
so much…
and yet,
your words and actions in the present are
conflicting and
confusing,
because you say and do things that people in the past have said and done,
and I hear the screaming inside of everything and anything to disprove what you say and what you do…
and
so much of me wants to believe…
to believe
entirely…
but the screaming just says
“
here we go again… more lies, more deceit, more crap…
don’t believe… don’t believe…
it’s wrong… it’s not right…
it’s lies…
it can’t be true…
it will just happen all over again like it always does…”
Sometimes I may cry because it all gets
so overwhelming…
And sometimes I may test you… for that, I am
so sorry… I don’t
mean to… and I don’t
want to…
And sometimes I may go silent… the words can’t seem to come out of my mouth… or I am frightened to speak… or I just don’t know what to say or do… or
so many other things…
And sometimes, I may act like a child… I regress into a child-like state/manner… it may seem like my actual developmental age is that of a child’s…
And sometimes, I may distance myself… out of fear, or anger, or upset… and
so much of me aches for you… and yet I distance myself from you… which makes the aching
more painful…
And sometimes, I may get very emotional…
unusually so…
And sometimes, my moods can swing
up and down and up and down and again and again and round and round and in and out and it is like this
vicious, scary, volatile, frightening, horrid roller coaster with no end in sight…
And sometimes I take a blade and cut, or burn, or other self harming methods, and it makes things
quieter for a while.
Or, maybe I drink and drink and drink until I am in
oblivion to make it quieter within.
Or, I may abuse drugs for the same effect.
Or, I may engage in other self destructive and damaging behaviors…
And,
I may feel like ending my life.
I may say to you that I wish I weren't here anymore...
that I'm tired of fighting constantly...
that I'm sick of being sick and tired of being tired...
that what's the point,
because I'll never be "better" or all this crap will be gone...
because being dead would be better than being inside this mind and body…
and I know that I make things bad for people in my life…
and that if I were to be gone, it’d be like a
win-win situation…
and this may upset you,
and maybe
everything about me upsets you or angers you…
and
I am sorry for that, too,
but half the time,
I don't know what to do anymore...
apart from
self destruct and end it all.
It'd be best for
everyone,
wouldn't it?
The inner chaos and noise and static is
distressing to say the least…
And all of this is but a few things about me, myself & I, more so a lot of the
bad things…
And I guess
all of this & more are
plenty of reasons for you to do
exactly what my mind screams that you will do...
And I
know I don’t deserve you, I
don’t,
and I
know I don’t deserve love…
or
you in the first place…
But
please…
Please don’t make the voices and my fucked up mind right again…
Please prove them wrong.
Prove it all wrong.
Don’t leave me.
Don’t hate me.
Don’t abandon me.
Don’t hurt me.
Don’t give up on me.
Love me…
don’t leave me…
don’t give up on me…
even when I am at my worst…
because chances are,
that’s when I most need you to love me and to not leave me and to not give up on me…
I'm so sorry for being how I am.
I wish I weren't how I am, who I am... fuck sake.
I know I am awful awful awful person.
And I'm sorry.
xx
