J's girlfriend who is also J- you might be the most heroic and impressive person I know. I wish I had more words to let you know how incredibly brave you are. You're fucking amazing. <3
were just holding together but, i know ive lost you, its just not happened yet.
ive lost you because im little and a freak, and i cant deal with you just being normal.
i can never be with you again. i can hardly talk with you anymore. i can never see your face, or hear you or feel yous cuddles or anything.
theyre taking over and i dont want to stop them anymore. i just want to dissapear.
Sing me to sleep.
I'll see you in my dreams.
Waiting to say.
I miss you.
I'm so sorry.
I need some space, don't think you're the only I've withdrawn from. I need to lay low whilst it's inside me. I just need to pick and scrape everything away so I can have at least a little purity. So, can you fucking stop texting me or FBing me. You've done nothing wrong, so don't post on here or on your fucking R/V .it's nothing to do with you. please can you just fuck off while I find the purity. You're ruining everything and It wants you to. Please leave me alone.
I wish i could hide this from you. I know i properly can't. Just please try understand. It had nothing to do with you. Please don't turn this into something it's not.
*There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not be able to see it.*
When I say "I'm struggling with thoughts" what I mean is "these images and dreams and words are going to torment me into doing things I don't want to do, and I don't know why, and it drives me crazy because I really am quite a logical person, please help me and take them away". So, if you could help me, that would be grand.
Thank you for not making me feel guilty and like I'm the reason he's moving out. Oh, wait...
You're going to resent me for this forever, aren't you? (especially if he does have this 'breakdown' you keep saying he's heading for) I don't blame you. What an awful awful human being II am, inflicting pain on too many people.
Self destruct mode - ON.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I need to hurt myself more.
Keep punching myself in the face.
Huge fucking bruise.
Can't cut, so have to do something.
Least I'm good at the excuses for it.
You don't want me to though.
You stopped me over and over.
You held me back.
You held me.
You cuddled me.
I'm putting so much on you.
I don't want to.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to upset you.
But I already did.
I made you cry.
I made you worry that I'll cut and kill myself.
You said you can't lose me.
But I don't want to be here anymore.
But I am trying for you.
But it's so fucking hard.
Things keep tumbling down around me.
And I keep trying for you.
But it's so hard.
Fuck sake.
Ceeb to find my RV. I feel like I'm heading for something dangerous and I don't know why. My head feels so full of absolutely nothing that it's struggling to function properly. I'm not overly destructive - the harmful thoughts I do have are controllable, I'm not going to slip up. I just feel really listless and flat and I don't know why when I'm really happy at the same time. I have amazing friends, a great family on both mine and Boo's side, an incredible relationship and the beginning of the career I've always wanted. Why do I still feel like curling up in a ball and hiding away from everything? Probably because I always fuck it up in the end.
I just need to get to Friday. Then I can lose myself for a couple of days.
Come on, Maweh. Pull yourself together, it'll be okay.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
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