Things are about to go boom. Someone or something. I feel like screaming this out of me. Just about contain it but scared something will trigger it. Someone pushing past me or something. BOOM!
a year ago you left me hanging dry i was giving into multiple forms of guilt a day and you leaving was the last straw. You left and took all my friends with you. i couldnt leave my house without the fear of having to deal with the drama you and your family brought and i moved homes and schools to get away and now you want back? Magically the week you contact me and my boyfriend i start getting calls threatening me and anon texts? i cant handle this im not strong enough help me.
You looked at me and smiled in the A&E and said that you had managed to control my asthma and i could go home to be treated. I wanted to scream at you! Why the hell did you think my asthma flared up in the first place? I trigggered it because i despretly wanted to come into the hospital for a few days! I was falling apart
"The body faught to survive, it evacuated toxins in any way it knew how. It made clots to stop the bleeding.Bones would find the quickest ways to heal themselves. It made scar tissue. In the face of violence towards it, it would become violent. It was amazing, yet excruciating. "
It was such a relief to be able to talk to you.I don't really talk to anyone.
The only thing I'm worried about is that if I come to rely on you, you'll withdraw.
1. Stop changing everything! Don't let me go the whole week thinking things are going to be one way and then change it last minute! I was looking forward to having some space to myself this weekend and then you take it away. I wanted space so I can get things done without distraction but obviously, like a lot at the moment, I don't get much of a say in that decision.
2. Sorry that I'm so crap and mummy is so perfect. I'm clearly awful and do nothing nice with or for you. It's great that I get snide comments for others and now i get them from you as well.
3. It actually makes me so angry that you make out that I can have some control with my treatment and yet you make big decisions like reducing my sessions without even consulting me first. Not one other member of group are having their sessions reduced and I know you're only doing it because you're too busy and I'm easiest person to drop so don't you fucking dare make out that it's in my best interest.
4. No, i don't want to go see him tonight because I don't need yet another reminder of how everyone seems to be able to get in life what I can't!
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Why won't you all understand?
I'm not faking being this ill, I'm not enjoying it. I would love to come out with you all, I'd love that to be the option, and then just get and and go for the next days. I'm not using illness as an excuse, it's actually a real genuine problem. I'm not ''letting the illness become me'', I don't have the option to ignore it. I know you all see me moving around etc, but that's after I've spent a few days in bed, passing out of being sick.
''Just go out and ignore it anyway'' No. Do you not get it? That's not an option.
Honestly, you all make me feel like I'm faking this. I don't let you see the days where I can't physically get out of bed for more than a couple of minutes - if that. I'm not lying, or milking it, or whatever you all think.
I'm sorry but it's just pissing me off, I feel bad enough missing out on literally everything without you guys suggesting I could just go if I wanted.
I think the worst part is that I thought you guys would be the more understanding of everyone.
There will always be a happy ending. If its not happy then its not yet the end.
If you don't shut the fuck up I'm seriously going to do what I said I would do last weekend and go and stay with her every weekend/steal the spare key to your flat and live there for the weekend.
Seriously, just SHUT UP.
(there's going to be a lot of cursing so skip reading if you'll be offended)
FUCK. YOU. You think that now because you broke my heart and are a senior in high school you can just fucking ignore me and not acknowledge y existence? Well fuck you too. And thanks for fucking things up between me and another guy who actually cares about me by making him pissed off at me. Have fucking fun being a prick. Thanks for everything.
"Whether you think you can or can't, you're right" - Henry Ford
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
You're not a bad guy. You're pretty smart at some things, and I was sort of enjoying having a guy around that could answer computer/car/diy questions. But what the f are you doing in my kitchen making coffee. This is my Dads house. You are not welcome to make yourself at home here. Im getting really uncomfortable with this now. I didnt mind you coming around ocassionally. But now its worrying me and I want you to go away.
'Where did I go wrong
My life's a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
You ask me why you have no friends and nobody likes you. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY BEING NICER THEN! I love u cos ur family, but I hate hate hate who u r sometimes. I hate how controlling u r, how ur thick as two short planks but wont ever consider that maybe possibly you might be wrong about something. Your selfish. Your cruel just for the fun of it. I dont think you actually know how to empathise with anybody elses feelings because you only EVER take into account your feelings. Youre the first to stand up and go on about how awful anybody whos violent is, yet ur the first to resort to violence when u dont get ur way. You're lazy. You're stupid with money. You drink too much, you eat too much, and you will die younger than you should because of it. Im your daughter, ur supposed to be the person in the world whos in my corner, yet youre the one person whos cruelest to me, most violent, hurts me the most.
One day you will end up entirely alone. You cant be so nasty to people and expect them to stick around forever. One day, one day soon Im gonna walk away, and at the moment you're giving me no incentive to keep you in my life. Why would I want someone in my life who is constantly cruel to me? Can you tell me one reason? Cos I cant see any right now.
If you dont change youre gonna die miserable and all alone. And you can blame me for it all you like. But deep down I know the truth. You cant be that cruel for this long and not expect me to see what you really are.
'Where did I go wrong
My life's a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
I'm now entirely alone in the world. I've got nothing and nobody. But I suspect this might actually not be a bad a place to be in as it seems. See I've got nothing else to lose now. There's nothing left to lose. So surely I can take any risk I like, because whatever I do, it cant get any worse really. So from here on, I can do anything. Because if I fail... it can't take me to any place worse than this. I'm sitting at the bottom of rock bottom looking up. There's only one way to go when you've already reached the bottom. Onwards and upwards from here. On my own. Without anybodys help. I've proved I don't need anyone. I'm gonna become a person strong enough that I dont need anyone else. My success will be my own, and if nobody else shares in building my life back up, nobody can ever take it away from me again. It will be okay. I will do this. Alone.
'Where did I go wrong
My life's a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
Mum, please start looking after yourself. There was a lady at the bus stop coughing at the bus stop who sounded exactly like you and she said she has asthma. She was saying how she had been ill with pnuemonia and now has a shadow on her lungs. I started crying (stupid I know) because I'm scared that will be you.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
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