sfshkshgsdg! YOU asked me if I wanted to meet up, and we've been trying to hang out all summer but for one reason or another it just hasn't worked out... so we arranged to meet up today, we set a time yesterday and all was dandy... I got to yours, ring the doorbell once... twice, text you saying I'm outside, no reply... wait 5 mins, I ring the doorbell again and text you asking where you are... I wait a few more minutes and ring the door bell once again... the druggies at the bottom of the stairs ask if you're in... I say, 'apparently not but he's meant to be'.
FFS M, you're the one who asked to meet up... It's okay if you're ill and don't feel up to it. I UNDERSTAND just fucking tell me. Don't leave me standing on your doorstep for 10 minutes looking like an idiot infront of those guys, who are really fucking intimidating btw... all you had to do was send me a text saying you couldn't make it and you were sorry... it takes like 1minute.
And now I feel like such a bad friend, that I must have done something wrong to make you stand me up and desert me. It must be me who is wrong... this always happens, and not always with you. I wish I was a better friend, I wish I was worthy of your time.
I miss you so bad, but I'm scared to be with you, I know you won't hurt me like he did, but you deserve better, i'm too broken to ask you to take me on. Why does his life get to go on? Why would I lie? Why would I talk to the police if it wasn't true. He's just gotten away with it all over again, I'm scared to tell you, in case you don 't believe me, in case you too belittle the thing that broke me, that took away my life, that causes me to have flashbacks constantly, that makes me scared to be close to any guy again
Hush, little baby, drink your spoiled milk
I'm crazy, need my prescription filled
Do you like my cookies? They're made just for you
A little bit of sugar, but lots of poison, too
I am about to/have just crossed the boundary between repetitive and strong suicidal thoughts to active planning. And I don't know whether I feel relieved or terrified or excited or angry, or a strange combination. I don't know why I'm even posting this. I guess it makes it more real, more official. This was the first serious place/method I considered all that time ago. It seems right, albeit cliched that it should be the finale. I just don't belong. I feel so alone no matter what I do. And I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. I've never belonged or had a place. A mutation. I just want things to be peaceful. I don't even gonas far as to want to be happy. I just don't want to feel so unhappy and empty. And I certainly don't want that to be the best of a bad range of feelings. I'm 24 and I've had enough of feeling like I've had enough. Nothing I do or attempt changes anything. I'm sick of simply 'wishing' I was dead.
But the stupid thing, and maybe what sickens and scare me the most is that I may not succeed. That I'll e wrestled to the ground by some do gooder or I'll do X and end up physically as well as emotionally damaged or even paralysed.
I'm sorry everything is so difficult. I wish I knew what the right thing to do was, or that I could look into the future and tell you it would be ok, and it would get better. I'm so scared that it will be as hard for you as it was for me. But at the same time, I don't want us to give you everything on a silver platter just because it's hard. Is that awful? I want you to learn what you're meant to learn, and grow how you're meant to grow. I'm glad I'm not the one who has to make this decision. I love you so much, even if I don't show it. I'm sorry I'm leaving you, now...
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
I'm sorry I can't do this. I'm sorry I fail at everything. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I'm so so sorry I'm not the daughter, sister, friend you deserve.
i made the right call, i know that now, but i just wish it hadn't made things so strained between us.
oh non-believer, please believe me.
is there honestly nothing in this world
that keeps you living & breathing?
you're a ghost in your own
goddamn city.
Been back for only a few hours, and I've already decided that Y has died/something bad has happened. COME ON JENNA. Everyone knows you're so BPD it hurts. You can stop it now. It's getting boring.
In more cheerful news, TOMORROW. Is the start of our new life. Good Times.
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
Don't claim that you planned to phone me today anyway. It's been 6 weeks since we last spoke and I know for a fact that if I hadn't phoned you it probably would have been another 6 weeks. Please just return my call and give me the support you're paid to give me.
What you did is the reason my life has fallen apart, the reason I can't even sleep because i'm so scared, the reason im scared to lean on anyone around me. I feel so broken because of what you did, its not even certain anymore that I can recover unless I go inpatient, and that scares me to death.
Hush, little baby, drink your spoiled milk
I'm crazy, need my prescription filled
Do you like my cookies? They're made just for you
A little bit of sugar, but lots of poison, too
