This is snapping my heart in two.
I will always be here, because you are my best friend, and I love you.
But this will always be horrible,
because you are my best friend,
and I love you.
>.<
let me sleep
i need slepp
i need to sleep
let me sleep
i am anxious, yes, but i wont let this over power me, I have You on my side Your strength will carry me through this week and college. If it be Your will, help me.
To you two, Thank you
To Bryn, Good Luck I love you forever
-------------------------
RIP I miss you each and everyday
"pretty pretty please dont you ever ever feel like your less than less than perfect"
"Don't ever change, you're perfect the way you are" only a PM away for ANYONE
Gem [smurfette] is my little sister and my princess <3
R.I.P. Keith....31/10/12....forever missed
R.I.P. Lewis....18/01/13....forever I'll love you, forever missed
you know what I am worried about this, I know I shouldnt be as it is not mine to worry about but I am, I am worried that if B does get to uni and then doesn't finish the course because he wont do the work [like at college] and gets kicked off [again] that mummy wont have money to send me to uni cause she'll have to spend all her money getting B back home and out of the uni dept.
I am also worried because I know that I have worked really hard these past education years from reception to where I am now and I am still no closer ot where I want to be, due to college thinking I wouldnt cope on a level 3 straight away as well as with it being a new college too [I so wanted to prove them wrong - they wouldnt let me]
I am now just about to stat my level 3 [6 days away] and I feeel different, I feel like I dont see the point anymore, I feel the need to go back to SI just to cope with my emotions and daily heck of stuff that I go through [Im currently 3 weeks free, 4 in 5 days] and I really dont wanna do that.
I feel different because I feel as though no one will understand me, new things, new rooms, new timetable, new teachers, new friends to make and to top it all off, the same old autism. This is so annoying as I know no one will understand me and I will have to find a way to explain what / who I am which will take forever again, but, I will try.
I have discovered so many things though, my Jebbica and Tim aren't leaving me for uni so I feel slightly happier knowing that I wont just be the only one still here, that Nateeee isn't leaving as he has college still to go and that my other friends from youth club are just about to start college so wont be leaving for uni either which makes it lots easier.
I am happy about this, not happy that Jebbica isn't going to uni as she is smart and could go if she put her mind to it, but, I think she is staying here and helping her mum and not going because she doesnt want too this is her choice and Tim is getting a job [I saw this on BFS - i know what that means btw] so feel happy right now.
I rang the doctors today after saying a prayer, God gave me the strength to make the call, for this I thank You Lord high of all I thank you for the strength You give me each day.
After waiting for a while I got through, I got really anxious and by accident said out loud that I hoped that I had teh right place, the lady was nice about it and just laughed it off then went on to explain to me that there was no more appointments avidable today as I should have rang earlier when the appointments were dispatched I've been told to ring back tomorrow from half 8 am [when the appointments are dispatched] I dont know how mnuch strength I have to do this, I will need help.
I think though before trying to ring again, I will try all possible natral things to help me sleep first other than tablets and stuff like:
- writing down all my worries / anxities to God
- warm milk
- Bible reading
- Story time
- TV / DVD time
- Night light
- Story tape
- Turning phone on silent after a certain time
- Lavander spray [heh] on pillow
- Daddy's radio
- Night time prayers
I will help myself first! Try again the week or two after college starts if this does not work I think it will though once Im more active and not freaking out as much. Stop asking me questions.
I have bruises on my legs and I dont know where from this is not making me anxious because I know myself I more than likely have just walked into something and not realised which is quite normal for me tbh. I will just let them fade. Dont think I've done them myself please.
I have had breakfast and lunch today thats two full meals which is quite good for me, that is normally what I do anyway just it doesnt normally stay down this long in the holidays [its now been an hour] and I think I will feel slightly better about eating both meals and a snack type thing [mentioning no food names againest the rules here] for breakfast like I normally would at 10AM with someone or by myself.
Just got to be prepared for the week ahead, I will be okay. Just please Mum if I need your help if you will give it me I will be happy with you. Please help me I am struggling.
Love me x
[sorry its really long, it did feel good to get all that off my chest though]
"pretty pretty please dont you ever ever feel like your less than less than perfect"
"Don't ever change, you're perfect the way you are" only a PM away for ANYONE
Gem [smurfette] is my little sister and my princess <3
R.I.P. Keith....31/10/12....forever missed
R.I.P. Lewis....18/01/13....forever I'll love you, forever missed
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
Why the --- do you think emotions are weakness? condescending ---hole
"I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery."- Thomas Jefferson
Honorably discharged from the United States Marine Corps.
"Make it work." -Tim Gunn
I wish you never left me, I still remember sitting opposite you crying at the fact you were crying at me. You wouldn't realise how much I miss you, you ultimately made me understand the feelings I had and expressed yours. I really do love you.
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